Week 2 Power Rankings

WEEK 2 POWER RANKINGS: BY THE NUMBERS


1) Mississippi Sentient Turds

Number: 2

Why: I’m immature

They may be the Turds, but they sure ain’t too shitty. After beating the crap outta a good Wagon team, this team is looking hot. Led by the dynamic duo of Mahomes and Kelce, along with the strong veteran presence of Justin Tucker, this team looks poised early to win the trophy that we may or may not have.


2) Borderline War Criminal

Number: 22

Why: players drafted before this year’s MVP

After dad-dicking the Boys Slant Boys in Week 1 without GOAT Jeopardy! host Aaron Rodgers, the Criminals put on a strong showing in Week 2. They have an elite bench and Aaron Rodgers had a bounce back week* making this a team that will win a lot of battles.

*wrote this after Rodgers’ first drive, will not be changing it no matter what


3) Chubb’s Massive Wagon

Number: 8

Why: inches the whole city is at (lucky them)

Despite getting shat on this week, this team will be battling for a bye week in the K-Mart© Fantasy Football Playoffs. Kyler Murray is smaller than Derek but really good and they have by far the best kicker apparently. All of Chubb’s has a Chubb for good reason.


4) Ape Coom

Number: 69

Why: times Dak was mentioned on Sunday

The general manager for Coom has won before, but has the league moved on? They’ve won low-scoring, gritty games. It’s impressive but on the other hand that’s not the style of Weenie Hut Jr. has changed quite a bit since that last worked. At least this week though; they came, they saw, and they conquered.


5) Slant Boys

Number: 17

Why: max age of the team

Week 1 was a bit cock-eyed but they showed that was a fluke in Week 2. Himself was looking for an easy victory this week for this local rivalry and got kinda reamed. This can be a scary team, but which Boys will show up week-to-week?


6) Andy Pissed Himself

Number: 4

Why: Gronk’s bench TD’s

2 weeks 2 losses in Andy Pissed, but that record doesn’t tell the whole story. Himself has had two strong weeks offensively and has some scary potential. However, their defense is trash and their manager needs personnel deployment lessons.


7) Shamu’s Blood Lust

Number: 50,000

Why: orcas left to go

Orcas claim to be whales, but fun fact: they aren’t. This team is also lying to us. Yeah they put up the most points by a losing team last week and yeah they had an easy win. But they’re lying. They aren’t a playoff team. Did I decide on the rankings before the MNF game got to halftime? Yes and I there’s no changing them.


8) Afghan pounder Hijab 

Number: 0

Why:  hours of football watched by the GM

After the general manager surprised the nation by taking David Montgomery in the first round, people started murmuring. Did he know something no one else did, or did he know way less? A fluky win in Week 1 gave people in Afghan some hope, their true colors showed this week. Free wins here on out.


9) Florida Methamphetamine 

Number: 20

Why: rough price per gram of meth

This team is consistent. The difference in points for the past 2 weeks was only .7. For you Floridians, I would recommend not worrying about how much they actually scored. Find entertainment elsewhere, such as meth.


10) Free Dub

Number: 2

Why:  they’ll accidentally beat two playoff teams this year

For a team that drafted someone who can’t play in the second round, they’re doing kinda alright. Especially since they drafted Barkley in the first. At least this team has a strong identity that they’re sticking to.


This isn’t up for discussion

 

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