Week 5 Power Rankings

 WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS: RANDOM CARDINALS PLAYERS

I am back and readier than ever to make fun of you

1) Slant Boys

Cardinal: Jon Jay

Reason: Championship winner, surprisingly high on the WAR list in the 21st century amongst Cardinals

The Allen Henry tandem gives everybody either wet dreams or nightmares. And I think the Boys Slant Boys fans of this team are the only wet ones. This team will cruise their way to a fluky loss in the playoffs.


2) MS Sentient Turds

Cardinal:  Colby Rasmus

Reason: Colby had really solid production for the Cardinals during his time, and his sacrifice played a huge role in the ‘11 World Series. Also has a great song about him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI8l87uyDXM&ab_channel=NicholeGeiger 

While they’re the ones in brown pants, it’s other teams that are shitting themselves playing these guys. This team is dominant on and off the field. They’re coach is even getting in on the action, as my ex-wife left me so she could be a single mom for the promotional poster of him. I am dead inside. Carol, I miss you so much. Please let me see the kids. I want my dog back.


3) Ape Coom

Cardinal: Jeff Suppan

Reason: Super solid pitcher, but not like really good. Not a number one kinda guy, but he’s up there I guess.

I don’t quite understand what they’re doing so high in the rankings. They know how to win I guess, but they’re not doing a whole lot of that recently. They are good, but not a top 3 team. Power rankers are really losing their touch recently.


4) Shamu’s Blood Lust

Cardinal: Jake Westbrook

Reason: He was apparently really good, but it didn’t really seem like it. I still don’t think these guys are really “killer” whales, but they’ve done alright.

I refuse to believe in a team led by Zeke. He can’t be good, I decided that during the offseason. This team needs to stop winning so I stop looking bad. Also, how the hell is Zeke and Aaron Jones on the same team? I’m a little confused.


5) Borderline War Criminal

Cardinal: Skip Schumaker

Reason: Skip was super solid and everybody loved him. Him and my team have exactly one thing in common and I saw some articles bashing on war criminals. No idea why

There’s a reason I stopped writing these. It’s a lot less fun when I lose. Now I’ve done it twice. I’m literally shaking. How do people keep doing this? I’ve fired my mom for failing to raise me well. I’ve yelled at children for being happy when they should be sad like me. Anyways, I can’t wait to choke in the last week and miss the playoffs.


6) Glizzy Guzzlers

Cardinal: Trevor Rosenthal

Reason: Trevor was actually a really good pitcher for the Cards, yet had 2x as many losses as wins, real unfortunate but nothing on the Guzzlers

To everybody who said they don’t know how to win, they did in dominating fashion. They are a scary team in a very even league. I still don’t think they know how to be clutch, they’ve only won blowouts. Wait until they have to rely on their TE in the playoffs.


7) Chubb’s Massive Wagon

Cardinal: Jason Marquis

Reason: I thought both were really good until I took another look, turns out Marquis was about as good as Tyler Lyons

Streakiest team in the league. They looked good to start the season, but kept stinking it up. They were gifted a butt ugly win against a JV team, but now they’re good again? They’re making me think and I, for one, do not like it.


8) Florida Meth Heads

Cardinal: Jedd Gyorko

Reason: Is Florida good? Well they’re good enough. Not playoff good, but good enough I guess. I’ve heard they’ve got great deals on team sponsored gear at Best Buy.

This GM needs to either buy lottery tickets or actually use their player picking ability for something useful. The amount of points per talent is insane, because this team looks like so much ass and not on a thicc bitch. This is the ultimate sleeper team and I assume that a CEH injury will make them better? Somehow? I don’t know.


9) Free Dub

Cardinal: Mitchell Boggs

Reason: Boggs wasn’t that good, but I remember him being really good for a stretch out of absolutely nowhere. 

Will the Free Dubs rebrand? That is the question on everybody’s minds as they’ve won two and scared another. This team still doesn’t look great on paper, but they’re scrappy gym rats that don’t quit. However, a team relying on Barkley (not Charles) is built on a shit foundation.


10) Afghan Pounder Hijab

Cardinal: Justin Masterson

Reason: Did you know Masterson was one of the worst Cardinals of the 21st century? Sounds like a team I know. The Cards also got him in a trade that they lost by virtue of the other guy doing nothing, which made him better. Bad trade, crazy how that happens

They technically showed up. Brady played. In a week where everybody eased their way to over 100 points, they didn’t. Fun fact: I haven’t heard of half of the players on this team.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Start/Sit Accuracy a.k.a. Team Manager Rankings

Image
After listening to Phil complain about how many times he’s left 30 burgers on the bench, I wanted to take a deeper dive into analyzing start/sit accuracy. While working through this effort, many questions have surfaced about management and mismanagement of teams, and how roster moves, drafting, and luck weighs in on a team’s overall performance.  Phil makes twice as many roster moves as the next person, but does that really matter if he’s going to leave the big scorers on the bench every week? Do constant waiver wire moves just cover up poor ability to take the right players in the draft?  How lucky is Ethan? Can looking at numbers give insight into anything, or is trading for Derrick Henry the only clear path to victory in this league? Quick breakdown of how I looked through each matchup: Each manager has the potential to start 9 players correctly each week. Therefore, a perfect week would be starting all 9 correctly. As the results will show, this provides small separation in accur
Read more

I'm here to do the commissioner's job

  Here at the Weenie Hut Jr Post Gazette Times New Roman we do more than just be the official  news providers of the league. We also basically do the commissioner’s job. Which is why we are agai n doing our potential rules changes breakdown and telling you exactly how to vote. Witzo Bowl Playoff Revamp After 3 years of enduring the dumbest part of our league, we need to revamp the Witzo (RIP) Bowl Playoffs  presented by Pampers Diapers. The first week only mattering to set the matchups for the semifinals is  meaningless at best, and at worst is strife for causing thrown games. It ruins the integrity of the league and  absolutely needs to change. The only question is how? A 3 game round robin tournament between the 4 teams  may be the fairest, or doing one 2 week matchup whether for the semifinals or finals. Any of those options are  way better than the current situation, so vote with your heart on that one Verdict: Get rid of the current System Kicker Points This fella isn’t the bigges
Read more

last week i had a great title but this week i have nothing

Image
I want everybody to know that I fucking hate you guys. Brian was the only team that was ranked high last week that didn’t fucking suck. I don’t wanna rank any of you 2nd. This made me very angry. To calm myself the theme is a group of my heroes. DIVORCED GUYS 1 Brian Rob Quinlivan I do not know if this is the correct Rob, I just googled his name and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him so like maybe this is him? Everybody’s favorite divorced guy. He is a group legend. He is the only divorced guy to have a son in the Boy’s Hall of Fame (citation needed). Anyways I’ve made Brian a juggernaut. He will not put up less than 100 until the first round of the playoffs. Third place here he comes. T4 Q Albert Pujols Who can forget this legend divorcing his wife and announcing her brain cancer in the same statement. But I heard that Deidre was a bitch and his new wife is the daughter of the former president of the Dominican Republic which probably is cool. Also she’s hotter than his ex wi
Read more