Week 1 Power Rankings: Suck it Up Yeah Suck it Up Real Good

Statement, the Webster Marian Dictionary defines it as - a definite or clear expression of something in speech or writing. Many strong statements were made this past week by every team; surprises, heartbreak, treachery, and many..... hmmmm  uggg ooff ohhh..... sensual moments. Lets break down Week 1's Power Rankings of Season 2 Lawn Duty.

1.       STL Zoo Water Art Fountain (Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom)

Wow with the biggest jump of any team from the preseason rankings you just gotta stop and say, wow I need to drink from that. You know that thousands of hands and tongues have run their way along this spiral of wonders, but that only seems to draw you in closer. The constant blurbal of source water running past you spigot provides an ASMR similar to that of a creek through the woods. This team is a masterpiece in the working and anything less than a championship is a failure. Would take some seriously incompetent managing to accomplish this. So their probably finishing 4^th.

2.       Hose Water (Slant Boys)

Everybody has that memory of absolutely hosing themselves with their side of the house hose. The crisp and solid flow is overpowering yet calming at the same time. Could be the high lead content in the house plumbing or my oscillating levels of the tism that makes me love hoses, but damn!!!! Slant Boys hosed down the competition with the biggest point differential. This team got some serious chops with Herbert and Taylor clearing the way. With the addition of Slant Boy next week that missing WR slot should be scary.

3. Elkay EDFPVR320RC (Tinfoil Tu-Anon)

Nothings better than drinking than drinking with your pals. To the likes of trough urinals this lets everyone take part in the fun together (Maybe even hold hands while sipping idk just an idea). This team is fun!!! With barely pulling out the win I was on the edge of my seat seeing this result.  Mostly self-inflicted with starting an injured hippy. Despite that they are 1-0 and being lead by Allen/Diggs combo , McCaffery while he lasts, and J Tuck this team can make some moves. If he actually looks at his roster before week start. 

 4.       Elkay EZH2O (Benadryl Shadowmen)

Fill me up.. butter cup baby don’t you let me down and turn me around but worst of all. The EZ H2O is one of the best water bottle fillers on the market, full stop. However, beyond that its an uninspired design. There are some seriously great parts of this team and some great upside, but beyond those few key pieces this team also feels uninspired, and I worry. This might be the most rag-tag team, but I think it can work. The EZH2O counts its total bottles filled  but I would not be counting on consistent performance form this team. We will see...

 5 Elkay Versatile (LETS RIDE)

Classics. This here is your classic run of the mill school, office, airport drinking fountain. It does what its got to do and nothing more. Just cold enough but not as cold as you would like. Just high enough but your tongue just might nick the edge. Designed to not draw attention neither does this team. Nobody really had a BOOM everybody just quietly did their job. I only see 1 impact player on this team in Kupp and he will be the only player that will win weeks. Lucky for Let’s Ride I think that will be often. As long as everyone else just does their job I could see some promise in the future.

6    Halsey Taylor B0025QGIQ2 (Hundred Aker Woods)

The engineer assigned with designing this fountain was giving a simple one job. Design the cheapest possible fountain that turns on and off. No fancy electronics, plastic molding, or unique design. Just your classic metal bowl, pipes, and spigot. Coming off a year only finishing ahead of someone currently ducking bullets, this team just did its job to compete. Led by Jefferson (before his impending ACL) this team can go on a solid run to compete for the final playoff spot. But just like this fountain its bare bones and 1 guy down can fuck em. 

7.   LK4593 (Washington Sewer Pipe)

Bla blab la lets put rocks on a fountain, put them in every park and then have them not work half the time. More often used as the homeless shitting bowl this drinking fountain these monstrosities shouldn’t exist. I personally break off the spigots when I come across these fountains. IDK maybe I’m just biased against this team because of previous ownership, but this team is shit. When your relying on Jacobs and Montgomery in your RB2 and FLEX I don’t see playoffs in the future. Everybody gets their chance to learn fantasy and boy Steven is sure learning. Lets see how he learns as the season goes on. Do better than these asshole fountain designers.

8. Spigot Suckers (MS Sentient Turd)

Oh I get it…cute. You leave this big long spigot here and people are supposed to think….wow that looks like a dick. We’ve all have seen these fuckers. On the same level as people who pull their pants down all the way at the urinal these people are what make me lose trust in society. I trusted this team to be good, but this team had a Turd week just like its name. MS Sentient Turd is my early prediction for biggest jump from Week 1 to final week in power rankings cus IDK how they lost.  

9 Dookie Water (Snuck of My Leash)

I would rather drink out of this fountain than play with the team I have for the rest of the year. Its already confirmed Ruggs vs Leash Sacko bowl. Only way us two don’t end up playing is a lucky weather game or Chubb 40 burger in the playoffs. I’ve walked through the gates of heaven and there is no god. Beware our souls are lost

10  (Henry Ruggs Driving School)

Andy’s Ranking	Derek’s Ranking
Phil	Phil
Mike	Sully
Sully	Brian
Ethan	Mike
Witz	Ethan
Q	Steven
Steven	Witz
Brian	Q
Andy	Derek
Derek	Andy