Week 3 Power Rankings: Cartoons
Wow…what a terrible week of football for Lawn Duty. 70% of the league finished below 90 pts and watching our teams resulted in mostly touchdown-less boring football. But you know what's not boring is cartoons. Let’s be honest here, cartoons on the big screen and tele have given the freedom to some horned up animators to let their minds run wild and have groomed an entire generation with cartoon scary goth chicks (all women scare me but that’s beyond the point). This week’s power rankings is “Cartoon characters that…Yeah I would” where it get progressively more confusing, but still…would.
1) Mrs. Incredible/Elastagirl
(Slant Boys)
With nearly 42k on the dedicated subreddit Helen is the undisputed goat r/elastagirl. According to Brad Bird, the creator of Elastagirl, Helen is a modern mom who must stretch in hundreds of different ways each day. He once described the character as having a “very sturdy center” and oh he made that very clear. Just like Helen, this team’s got a wagon from every angle. Even on a bad week it was good enough to pull out the win with Kelce and the Broncos, keeping Slant Boys undefeated. This team aint going anywhere soon and I expect a massive rebound week.
2) Colette Tatou (Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom)
I think about her a lot and I’ve even begun learning French because of her. I’m actually getting quite good lol. Don’t worry guys I’m not like obsessed. If it wasn’t for that chicken in his hat ain’t no way Luigi pulling. Zach Wilson better be feeling the same way about his team. Besides lack luster performances from a returning Kittle and Vikings kicker (what idiot starts a Vikings kicker) this team fucks!
3) Hex Girls (Tinfoil Tu-Anon)
Don’t blame me, they put a spell over me. The red head
vampire singer made me feel funny as a kid. All seriousness their music slaps harder
than any other fake tv show band and I would legitimately go see a cover band
concert. However, I wouldn’t go watch
Tinfoil Tu-Anon this week time. This might be the most top heavy team in the
league. If Diggs and Allen don’t click expect more weeks like this. I think
this team is hexed for the rest of the season. Incoming Diggs ACL within 3
weeks.
4) Jimmy's Mom (Jaylen Waddle Fan Club)
I think most of us had a crush on a friend’s mom at one
point or another, but Carl takes it to a whole new level. My boy Carl constantly dripping with rizz and praying on Hugh’s downfall (I don’t blame him). Waddle’s
Fan Club should be serenading Derrick Henry like Carl because this guy is gonna
feed him W’s the rest of the season. Unfortunate for him, Russ has taken some
cock blocking lessons from Hugh and may be in his way to a deep playoff
run.
5) Ellie (Washington Sewer Pipes)
Nothings more attractive than a woman passionate for her work,
family, and life. Makes sense why Karl was depressed for so long. Hell, I was depressed and I only knew her for 5 minutes. Washington Sewer Pipes is in the honeymoon
phase right now. Everything went his way this week and had just enough talent
to eek out a 2-1 record. But the second he loses one of his rocks I expect him to
drop. Gonna need some balloons on the standings page to pull him any further up
the power rankings. (P.S. nobody wants Kirk Cousins)
6) Sally (Benadryl Shadowmen)
How do cars be fuckin in the Cars universe? Naturally you must
assume there's some exhaust pipe is in play or some kind of cussy. I’m more confused on
the logistics of how it works (maybe a combination of jack stands and hydraulics). If
this team’s performance this week was a car, it would be the short bus. It’s
not shocking the worst performance in the league this year comes from a
team with 3 QBs and a shockingly supportive stance on domestic abuse (Watson could be you
4th QB if you want). Due to the nature of this teams’ stars expect a
cyclical pattern of league highs and league lows. General note for the public check
out the Sally Special (actually a sick car, thank you Porsche).
7) Mrs. Puff (Hundred Aker Wood)
Good lord Mrs. Puff!!! She make dem pants puff up. You'd find me in detention every week. A fish so
curvy its not wonder she’s won the heart of Krabs. Unfortunately, the door
is constantly shut on him just like the win this week for Hundred Aker Woods. I’m rooting for this team the most this upcoming week and I really regret beating
him. I’m gonna need a full league effort to help carry this man’s poser elite RB
core to the playoffs. #puckerupD
8) Larry the Cu-cum-ber (Henry Ruggs Driving School)
Larry is an absolute unit. Coming in at a whopping 6’-4” and
205 lbs, he might be a little too much cu for one person to cumber. With his saintly and virtuous appearance Larry shows off to the public, you know that
this guy hiding some demons. Shockingly, there are some demons hiding on this
dog shit team as well. Getting carried by Mark Andrews might be the ticket to
pulling this team out of the bottom 1/3 of teams. I wouldn’t count on the
success lasting as the blockbuster trade with Waddle’s Fan Club has resulted in
a net negative -15.9 points in the first week alone.
9) Volcano from Pixar Short (Snuck Off My Leash)
10) Samurai Megazord (MS Sentient Turd)
The pink power ranger always was a dime no matter which era
of rangers we’re talking about. But nothings sexier than the animated battle ninja robots,
explosions, and morphin! Unfortunately, the production value does not stack up
as well as I remembered it. I watched a robot morphin scene to write this and
the morph only kind of got me off. This team’s like a power rangers’ episode. I
remember Sentient Turd looking way sicker on draft day and was afraid for a
matchup. But now, I’m already prepping my clubhouse to pop champagne and move
on with my free win. For sure won’t regret writing this.
Comments
Post a Comment