WEEK 6 power rankings: KA-CHOW
WEEK 6 power rankings: KA-CHOW
Thanks to our lovely data science intern we have some real numbers:
As you can see, defensive points have only a smidge of correlation with winning. But it’s very nice to make fun of each other. For example, Phil had negative points this week and is dogshit at picking defenses. And Steven isn’t. Good job intern, doing my job for me
1) Tinfoil Tu-Anon
Sh-Boom by The Chords
God the song Sh-Boom most recently made popular by the hit Pixar move Cars is a modern day classic. Lightning McQueen is by far the best part of the movie, but this song is a close number 2. Life could be a dream if you’re this team. They’re sh-booming the rest of the league after a disappointing last season. That being said they will likely put up 60 points this week and drop massively in the rankings because a) the Bills are on a bye and b) us power rankers will not pay that much attention so when they have very few points that’s all we’ll see.
2) Slant Boys
Real Gone by Sheryl Crow
Just like this Sheryl Crow song that opens the beautiful film Cars, this team has been real gone for the past couple weeks. This team has been pretty dogwater the past few weeks. I will own that we both ranked everybody before Sully lost quite possibly the ugliest matchup I’ve seen in a long time. I somehow see this team winning all but one of their remaining games while still scoring 80ish points every week. This team might win the championship with 6th in the league in points. Sully is the luckiest guy ever and was sobbing the one time he was unlucky.
3) Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom
The Piston Cup by Randy Newman
I struggled with ranking the instrumentals for the Cars soundtrack. They’re very well done and I did enjoy the listening experience, but how do you really compare these to the other songs on the soundtrack? I probably wouldn’t have had any bad songs on here if I did a straight up ranking so I just chose my favorite and made it the only one I included. Anyways this team is in 3rd. This team peaked when they drafted Michael Pittman in the 4th round. I am surprised they’re this high. But this team can win any game because Lamar and Saquon are that good. But I’m rooting against them for the sake of my sanity.
4) Henry Ruggs Driving School
Route 66 by Chuck Berry
This team has been all over. From St. Louis down to Amarillo, 60 points to 120. No team is more inconsistent than theses fellas. The students of the Ruggs Driving School have seen an uptick in neck injuries due to the whiplash of expectations. An endemic of bipolarism has broken out. The GM has been upping his spice intake while also making plans on how to spend the championship money. My heart cannot take this much longer. I need this team to become consistently good or bad for the sake of my health.
5) Washington Sewer Pipes
My Heart Would Know by Hank Williams
Steven somehow has a juggernaut that’s not. 2nd in the leagues in points for but the record is very so-so. They’ve been underperforming recently and their roster is looking pretty iffy this week due to byes. But what Steven knows deep down in his heart is how to choose a defense. Now only if he could learn how to offer a decent trade. He has chosen to take the quantity over quality approach, offering trades to everybody at GM meetings every other sentence.
6) Snuck Off My Leash
Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts
This song may be the first song people think of when the movie Cars comes up in casual conversation. However, that is all due to dumb marketing executives. This song is maybe mid and that’s mostly because of its association with the hit Pixar movie Cars. Speaking of mid, this team is pretty mid, however since the GM is also the commissioner (not sure how this is allowed now that I say it), it’s the first team that people think of when this league is mentioned in casual conversation just like Goodell and the NFL.
7) Hundred Aker Wood
Our Town by James Taylor
This song reminisces about the old days when the town was at its peak. Radiator Springs was a hip place with a lot of cool cats, but now is nothing but a ghost town. Hundred Aker Wood fans are also reminiscing about the old days, back when people thought this team might actually be good. Alas, this team is not very good. I have been doing my jaw workouts but I’m beginning to think that’s all for naught.
Anyways here’s the part that I’m writing after the improbable win. While the W is huge, I’m still not convinced this team is for real. They have a real chance of making the playoffs due to a good start, but they eeked out a win by a margin as slim as my ball hair. There’s a lot of parity in this league so if they keep performing this way they’ll find themselves out of the yoffs in a couple weeks.
T-8) MS Sentient Turds
Behind the Clouds by Brad Paisley
I very much don’t like this song. And I really dislike this team. I genuinely have no idea where to rank this team. The turds lived up to their names for the first few weeks, but god damn they’ve been great the past couple. They genuinely could finish anywhere from 2nd to last and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Next week will probably be a return to early season form with 3 studs on bye, but after that look out rest of the league. The turds will be shitting on people.
T-8) Benadryl Shadowmen
Find Yourself by Brad Paisley
You: Derek, why do you have a tie? You never do ties. That is strange.
Me: yeah
These teams are tied not because they are equally bad, but because the songs are. First of all, I genuinely have never heard these songs before. I did check the wiki for the critically acclaimed film Cars and for sure, they both appeared in the movie. However they’re both totally forgettable, just like this team this year. This team was an afterthought when deciding the rankings, they are just kinda there.
10) Jaylen Waddle Fan Club
Route 66 by John Mayer
Who on earth thought this song was ever a good idea? Randy Newman did a great job with the major motion picture Cars soundtrack so I’m assuming he had no say in this decision. Some girl who ghosted me on Hinge really likes John Mayer so not only do I hate him, but also he’s bad. This rendition does him no favors in my eyes. It’s bad. It’s a spit in the face to Chuck Berry, or as Chuck would prefer, it shits on his legacy (he enjoyed being shat upon). Anyways, this team also took a massive dump. It’s straight up bad. Darrian Newell Award for Having A Really Fucking Bad Week.
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