I am so pro-veteran I oppose that one amendment that says they can't sleep with my wife

 In honor of Veteran’s Day weekend, we will be honoring those who serve our country with honor and dignity. That’s right, our theme will be military themed. I want those that have served with honor to feel honored and respected. As a defense contractor, I know and personally experience the sacrifices our honorable soldiers make, because I too make those sacrifices.

Editors note: I may have said I was going to spend a lot of time on these rankings. I apologize for I was under the influence of unbridled optimism. That was a mistake. Like many in the defense industry, I ended doing just the bare minimum.


1) Washington Sewer Pipes

Our Soldiers

If I had a girlfriend, fiance, or wife; I would let any American soldier commit sex with her because that’s how much I love our troops. I almost love this lineup that much. You could argue that they have one weakness with their WR2, but that’s pushing it. This is the frontrunner and I already have created my $50 Venmo draft ready to pay up for this future champion.


2) Run CMC

Guns

Guns are the second most important thing to this nation (according to the Bill of Rights) and this team is the second most good team in this league. The rebrand is kind of out of left field, as it’s rather unprecedented for a team to switch identities mid-season, but alas here we are. I’m beginning to think it’s not such a good idea to tie your whole identity to your gunslinging (pun intended please laugh) backup QB.


3) Henry Rugg’s Driving School

Raytheon

I promise it’s a coincidence. I don’t even like my employer. After a terrible loss I would usually write something really depressing. Usually I’d talk about how my team is terrible and only those that take part in the special olympics could draft a team like mine. But that’s not the case this week. “Why?” you may ask. Well, I’ve taken up art. My first piece is painting my ceilings red.


4) MS Sentient Turd

HIMARS

According to my Army source, these are good. Or they’re bad. He bitches a lot but it remains to be seen if it’s because of this or not. I also did not Google the spelling, but I bet it’s right. Anyways I feel so bad for this team. They are the Detroit Lions of our league. The only Lions fan I personally know is so emotionally damaged, so hopefully that doesn’t occur to Q.


5) Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom

Ft. Bragg

This publication hates political correctness. Was Bragg racist? According to our Army source, maybe. He didn’t seem to be totally sure. Does Google know? This writer can’t confirm, because I didn’t look it up. Is this team prime to win the championship because they’re pretty good but not super special? Yes, because life is unfair.


6) Benadryl Shadowmen

Ft. Liberty

This publication is firmly racist neutral. What does that mean? No idea but I heard it’s probably a good thing I guess. This team made a big trade acquiring what many (probably just me) call the Flyin’ Hawaiian in Tua. This team might be as nasty as the Dolphins the rest of the year, quite literally as they have the whole Dolphins offense. Because us power rankers are simple people, keep an eye out on this team dropping due to the Dolphins being on bye this week.




8) Snuck Off My Leash

Soldiers Being in Germany

Andy is such a bitch. He always ranks himself last because he is so scared of jinxing himself. Like he doesn’t have a good team so being ranked low makes sense, but god damn. Have a fucking set of balls.


9) Hundred Aker Wood

Darrian

He would be ranked a lot higher if he didn’t say the N-word. I am not talking about Witz.


10) Slant Boys

The Army

I refuse to rank an owner who gave up so much on their team higher than last place. A trash owner like that needs discipline. He needs someone to tell him when to wake up, what to do, and what base to live on. When someone tells him to jump, he should learn to say how high? He needs to join the army.
















20) Jaylen Waddle Fan Club

Darrian’s Fantasy Team (real name has been classified as a final act of the Trump administration)


You might be asking: Wouldn’t it make more sense to have this comparison for the last place team? Maybe. Does the fact that where you are on earth determine which way your toilet water swirls make sense? No. Life doesn’t make sense. So of course the power rankings don’t make sense. Live with it. Fuck you. Also this team scored less than 50 points which reminds me of Darrian’s team. But they also actually win. They don’t make sense. Confused

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