I wish I could get married because I really want a divorce

 We at the Weenie Hut Jr Editorial Illustrated Times Dispatch would like to apologize for the behavior of one of our writers. As readers may have noticed, columnist Andy Hohenberger has been neglecting his duties as bi-weekly power rankings author. This is because yes, those allegations you may have heard about him are totally true. Andrew Frederick Hohenberger was caught by border patrol 2 weeks ago for smuggling black tar heroin inside of his anus. The border patrol agent originally stopped him to just get a better look at the fattest ass he’s seen crossing the Costa Rican border, but unfortunately Andy panicked. The search lasted hours as Andy’s squeals freaked out the agents too much to continue the search until experts arrived on the scene. The defense for Mr. Hohenberger was that he committed a victimless crime, however his actions have scarred the lives of many who were forced to stare into the abyss of his asshole in the name of justice. We apologize and are embarrassed to have him on our staff. We are currently planning on his return next week.


FINGERS



1) Washington Sewer Pipes

Left Middle Finger



Of the 10 fingers, this is definitely number 1 for Dallasans (it might be Dallasites, I have not done my research per usual). I average 6.9 usages of this finger every day on my way home from work. I also use this finger for typing and most importantly, it’s the finger that moves forward in video games, where there is no such thing as retreating. Anyways this team has won the championship already, it’s just a matter of determining the 2nd place team. Don’t worry jinxing isn’t real. Handing the crown to Steven doesn’t actually affect anything. Steven you won the championship don’t worry about it.


2) Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom

Finger Guns



Pew pew. The classic move of white dudes everywhere. Hell yeah. Lamar has been kinda booty recently yet this team still finds ways to win. As someone who still believes Lamar undoubtedly has that dog in him, that scares me. Unlike last year this team can’t choke its way out of the playoffs, so this will be the first time we see ‘yoffs Phil in action. Can he find a way to make even more transactions? Will he finally set his final lineup on his first attempt? Can someone please beat him so we don’t have to suffer through months of Phil shoehorning his championship into every conversation? 


3) Henry Ruggs Driving School

Shocker



I have heard rumors that women like this move. Unfortunately, women refuse to talk to me so I haven’t tested this theory for myself. Maybe one day I will. Likely not. But this team could certainly shock some people this week while playing the #2 team. This matchup could likely be the deciding factor for the second bye position. The School is arguably a tier below Phil’s and the points difference between the teams is quite large, so a victory this week is unlikely but impactful.


4) Run CMC

Foam Fingers



“How am I ranked so high!?!?” - Mike when he sees this. Actually I think I’ve heard him say this every fucking week we release power rankings. “I don’t believe in jinxes” - Mike who is going to be scared that he’s ranked so high despite being outside of a playoff position right now. I’m beginning to realize that these are the power rankings of certainty, and I’m certain he’ll get a spot. 


5) Slant Boys

Chicken Fingers



Chicken fingers are staples of kids menus and Sully’s diet. I have see this man order chicken fingers at every restaurant we’ve been to, from steakhouses to BBQ places (source needed). Put some spices on anything and this man is scrambling for the door. Anyways his team is super streaky so he’s either gonna curb stomp his way to another title, or miss the playoffs. 


6) Benadryl Shadowmen

Jameis Winston W Fingers



Congratulations to this week’s recipient of the comparison I couldn’t really think of so he just gets whatever I have left. Also considered for this comparison was the James Bond movie Goldfinger, however I haven’t seen it so oh well. Anyways I do think this comparison fits, because like this notorious pregame speech, I still have not made up my mind on whether or not this team is good. If you held a gun to my head and told me to tell you whether or not this team is good, I would probably say shoot me. That is for unrelated reasons. If I’m going to pick, I’d say any team that rosters 4 QB’s is bad.


7) Hundred Aker Wood

Cameron Spence’s really weird double jointed fingers (approximate drawing included)



I did not like those fingers. They creeped me out. Something about this team making the playoffs is just as spooky. Justin Jefferson is good. Looking through that lineup, no one else really jumps out as being good. But this team is scrappy and will somehow make the playoffs. I have not kept track of who I’ve said that about. I think everybody will somehow make it. Except Q. And Andy.


8) Jaylen Waddle Fan Club

Finger Painting



Brian got finger painting because he doesn’t read these so I don’t have to try. Also James Connor outscored Derrick Henry this week. Who really won that trade.


9) MS Sentient Turd

Butterfingers



I’ve never seen a team have so many wins slip through their fingers until these Turds showed up this season. This is a joke because even though I put a picture of the candy it can also be used as slang to refer to someone who can’t catch a ball. And these guys can’t catch a break. Ha. I’ve never had Butterfingers before. I think I’m allergic to them but honestly I haven’t really checked in awhile since at this point I assume I’m allergic to everything but Kit Kats, Twix, and Sour Patch Kids. Anyways, Q I pray to God you don’t get the Sacko because I really don’t want to torture you with hot sauce.


10) Snuck Off My Leash

Thumbs Down



Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.Please be sacko.




Derek

Andy

Steven

Steven

Phil

Phil

Derek

Derek

Mike

Mike

Sully

Sully

Brian

Witz

Ethan

Ethan

Witz

Q

Q

Brian

Andy

Andy

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