power rankings
power rankings
This week I am ranking your teams and will be comparing each to something. That’s the whole gimmick. My mind just ain’t doing it for me this week. I’m pretty sure brains tend to get rather damp due to drinking alcohol, so mine may be drowning from Friday still. Luckily Elon Musk has saved the first amendment, so I’m allowed to do this and you guys can’t stop me. You guys aren’t even allowed to criticize me because I pay $8 a month and you would be violating the first amendment. I think you’d get arrested if you say anything mean to me, so be really nice. Please. Tell me I’m good.
1) Tinfoil Tu-Anon
Chick Hicks
This year there’s no such thing as a juggernaut, but I suppose if I had to choose one it might the crazed lunatics of the Tu-Anon. The Allen Diggs stack gives fantasy owners and defensive coordinators in every league nightmares. Yes this team has lost two in a row, but contrary to popular belief us power rankers are capable of looking past just the win-loss column. This team had 2nd most points last week and leads the league in points scored. They might be sitting at .500 for now, but I think the rest of the league considers them to be the frontrunners for the 1 seed. But watch out for a bad Bills game in the playoffs, because that would ruin an otherwise fantastic season from last year’s runner ups.
2) Henry Ruggs Driving School
Syria
If you’re a new fan to this league, you might be surprised to see these guys so high up in the power rankings. This team looked atrocious to begin the year, but those were just growing pains that signaled a growth spurt on the way (I really wish I could speak from personal experience but I stopped growing when I was 8). The young guns at RB have carried this team out of the basement and near the top of the league, right where they were last year. This team doesn’t have any glaring weaknesses on their roster with having 4 top 20 WRs and an interesting group of RBs, but this team just gives the vibe of not being at all a sure thing.
3) Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom
James Franco
Editor's Note: I didn't know about the allegations at the time of writing. I didn't think I'd have to look it up because James Franco seemed like a super chill dude
Dave Franco
I am aware this team is currently first in the league. If you want these to just be the standings then go look at the standing. If you want expert analysis, then stick around and keep reading. Saquon, Lamar, and Ja’Marr have carried this team to a great start however you may have caught that one of those players are hurt. This team suddenly looks a lot different without Chase in the lineup. The receivers don’t inspire much hope and Pollard is a pretty good RB2, but he doesn’t make as much money as Zeke so taking that next step doesn’t seem very likely. I have no doubt that this team is a playoff team, but I don’t think they should be considered favorites to win it all.
4) Washington Sewer Pipes
Steven
I have never heard so many trade offers from one man until the Pipes joined the league. And I have no idea why. This team is already incredibly well built, with nearly every starter top 20 at their respective positions. I think the biggest weakness with this team is picking a flex every week, but there’s enough top end talent to make up for the decision making most weeks. But the scary thing about this team for their fans is the uncanny ability to suddenly suck. The Sewer Pipes are 3rd in the league in points but have put up a surprising amount of stinkers this year absolutely living up to their team name. No one knows which team will show up any given Sunday.
5) Benadryl Shadowmen
I feel like this team is less than the sum of all its parts. There’s a lot of talent up and down this lineup but it hasn’t all been put together yet. The reason for that very well could be a reliance on the Lions, which always leads to heartbreak and disappointment (much like most of my nights). They also have struggled mightily in front of a home crowd as they’re still winless at home. Once Deshaun comes back and this team truly discards their moral compass, the Shadowmen could very well end up taking the top spot in the league..
6) MS Sentient Turd
Air Bud
What an underdog story. This team looked like it had a cakewalk to the Sacko Bowl and a dinner date with 9 of the hottest wings in the area. Suddenly that was no longer the case. It turns out we missed that this team was too talented to struggle so much all year, plus injury luck worked in the Turd’s favor with the emergence of Kenneth Walker. I don’t think teams can often rebound from an 0-4 start, but this year has had the most parity ever seen so they are very much in it despite the terrible start.
7) Hundred Aker Wood
Sock
This team holds the distinction of being the very last team I rank every week. They’ve had some good weeks mixed in with some bad weeks. I really feel nothing but apathy towards the roster. Alvin Kamara and Justin Jefferson are definitely great players, and they lift this team squarely into mediocrity. This team could sneak into the playoffs for sure, but that’s kinda their ceiling. They are Daniel Jones incarnate.
8) Snuck Off My Leash
Grilled Chicken Breast (please excuse the broccoli)
There are few things in this world that make me angry more than saying something positive about Andy, but I will admit this team is underrated. Luckily that’s the only nice thing I’ll say. Chubb is absolutely fantastic and is dragging this team to respectability, as will be shown this week during his bye. I personally think Kirk Cousins is the perfect quarterback for this team, he’s not really that bad, but really at the end of the day he leaves you wanting more. Not in the way like “Wow! I wish I could’ve hung out with Kirk Cousins more”, but more like “wow, is that all Kirk Cousins is?”
9) Jaylen Waddle Fan Club
The slow constant march towards death
Everything about this team screams that it’s a fantasy football team. The high point of the season is ripping off someone else to get Derrick Henry and DK (winning the trade 171-79.3), yet we find them here in 9th. This team has 2 superstars in the lineup, but man there’s not much to talk about past them. I love Geno as much as the next guy and he’s been solid this year, but on this roster he’s not gonna cut it. With James Connor’s imminent return cutting into Eno’s playing time and the possibility of Jeff Wilson Jr. taking touches from Mostert, this team is starting to look worse and worse. Maybe I’ll be proven wrong, but I’ve never been before.
10) Slant Boys
Bud Select
First of all, I do feel kinda bad talking about Sully behind his back. Since we don’t have the budget to actually put the power rankings in print, he will be unable to read these without his computer. Bad PC and bad fantasy football team, shame. And fans of the Boys of Slantsville must feel a lot shame these days. This team hasn’t broken 80 points since week 4, which happens to be their last win. Don’t even get me started on the putrid 60 point performance this week when the rest of the league had no problems putting up points (except you Steven). This team’s failure is made apparent by the losing mentality Sully has taken up. Championing policies to change the Sacko Bowl format is quite possibly the most Sacko thing I’ve heard. This fall from the grace of last year’s champion to this pathetic excuse for a team is slightly depressing, and nearly comical.
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