I Still Truly Believe I Am A 45 Year Old Divorced Man Trapped In A 24 Year Old's Body

 Here at the Weenie Hut Inc. Fantasy Football League brought to you by Sloppenheimer: America’s favorite 1940s era brothel, we strive for improvement which is why every year we discuss rule changes. You may be asking Derek, how can this incredibly average fantasy football league that is exactly the same as every other fantasy football league that consists of 20-something year olds get any better (no the racist and “dark humor” team names don’t make us special)? Well reader, I’ll let you know. But I won’t tell you in the intro because then you have no reason to read my article.


Rule #1: Waivers

I hardly even know her.

Due to the absolute sweaty neckbeard behavior of some of the participants, this has become a necessity so that people with real jobs have a chance to compete. Back in the college days when there was no reason to wake up early, no waivers made Tuesday mornings crazier than waking up to the news that Little Boy hit Japan. But now with some people having real jobs, those that just sit at home all day dick in hand have a huge advantage that is comparable to PEDs. The Catholic church would describe this situation as horseshit, which only waivers could fix. The only discussion here is what style of waivers? I don’t like the money one because I become physically ill spending money. Also I have no idea how it works and I’m feeling a smidge lazy.


Verdict: APPROVED


Rule #2: New Scheduling

For those of you who are stupid, this new rule is just randomizing the schedule so the same people aren’t screwed by hard schedules every year. It is interesting though, because in real sports this is just something that happens when well run organizations just happen to be in the same division as each other, such as the Cardinals and Pirates. Though, me being a reasonable person, I do concede that these aren’t exactly equivalent as it’s way easier to rectify in our situation as opposed to MLB. The current scheduling does help create long term rivalries which I do like the idea of, though again it creates unbalanced scheduling. I don’t remember if I benefit or not from this, so I’m on the fence until I check the schedule.


Verdict: I do not know


Rule #3: Darrian Special

Oh Darrian. Oh you sweet summer child. This is to protect you. We are the condom that prevents you from the STD that is your own decision making. You should not make trades. It’s for the good of all those involved. Hush no it’s okay, just let it happen. Just draft David Montgomery in the first round again and move on. 


Verdict: Sorry Darrian but if you learned to make better trades we would consider not having the Northrop Grumman Darrian Newell Memorial Do Not Let Darrian Trades Go Through Rule.


Rule #4: Everybody Has To Be Nice To Me

I pour my heart and soul into this league and sometimes you guys aren’t nice to me. I do not like that. It’s bullshit. You guys should be nice to me and say good job Derek and say that was a well thought out article Derek. Please. It costs you nothing to do that. So just do it. Please. Pretty please. Just do it Jesus Christ what the fuck why aren’t you nice to me. Please.

My mom also is willing to pay you guys more if you stop bullying me.


Verdict: APPROVED


Rule #5: PPR

This one is wildly unpopular in this neck of the woods for some reason. The modern fantasy football landscape has shifted so that the traditional format is now the exception. I believe that even half-PPR is more popular than traditional, yet here we are. While the attitude in the league has shifted to being more positive about this idea, that only means that I won’t be crucified for writing about it. This league is still holding onto the past with traditional format, but we’ll see for how long. Maybe people in the past have struggled to move away from traditional ideas, like slavery, segregation, and the apartheid, but when people finally did sometimes they found it was actually better. I would like to take a moment and explain, we are definitely better moving on from those things, though at the time I don’t think everybody agreed on that, and you guys might not agree with me but that’s ok.


And don’t forget to visit today’s sponsor Sloppenheimer, for head sloppier than post war Japan.

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