Don't Worry Brian I'm Fully Aware You Read And Appreciate My Power Rankings ;)

 Ha, you really thought I’d make a joke about not Brian not reading my power rankings in the very first sentence after that title. Maybe even the second sentence too. Well guess what, these power rankings aren’t about him. Too many good things have happened to you guys this past week, but not to me. So I have to bring you guys down a notch by talking about sad things.

Worst Tragedies of the 21st Century

1 Justin Jefferson’s ACL

Emma ghosting me

What did I do wrong? Why did she stop talking to me? She wasn’t even that cute but still what the fuck!? I have so many reasons to cry myself to sleep and this is just another reason. Anyways this is by far the biggest tragedy of the 21st century, can’t image anything being worse. Speaking of big tragedies, Andy is still rolling. fuck

2 MS Sentient Turds

9/11

Oh yeah. You may think how is this only the second worst tragedy? George W Bush may have faked it or something like that, I have trouble following that conspiracy. Emma 100% stopped talking to me. Second, I don’t remember 9/11. Emma not talking to me is burnt into my mind. God I’m so lonely. Anyways the Turds won, which is better than 9/11.

3 Father of the Year

Kony 2012

4 Choose a fucking team name Brian

hurricane katrina 

More like hurricane tortilla. That’s lighthearted humor to re-up the spirits after some downers previously. Anyways Hurricane Katrina caused 1,392 deaths and was the deadliest hurricane to strike mainland United States since 1928. Most importantly, it was the costliest hurricane of all time, causing somewhere between $97.4 billion and $145.5 billion. New people are born every day, but how will that money ever be replaced? 

5 Youngway Kooter

My little sister being born

Nora caused so much emotional distress during my early years. She had this really fun quirk about her where if you looked at her slightly wrong she’d start crying then my mom would yell at me then I’d get in trouble but the thing is I didn’t actually do anything to her I just looked at her and not even in a mean way or anything. But I’m over it. Now that she can drink she’s slightly more tolerable. Or maybe I’m just not sober as much around her now. That’s almost as big of a comeback as Darrian, who against all odds has not sucked at fantasy football. To say I’m in awe is an understatement.

6 Lamar’s D1arrhea Boys

that tsunami in japan that hit a nuclear plant and fucked shit up

Like Lamar’s bowels, that nuclear reactor basically exploded. I’m still looking for a source on this, but I heard that’s bad. Luckily the Japanese are experts in dealing with surprise radioactivity. Just like Ethan is an expert at being ranked 6th, I think I always rank him here. Mr. Mediocre we call him.

7 Ridley’s Sl0t Scrapers

robin williams suicide

Watch out, Mike might do his best Robin Williams impression.

8 Hocky Slush

my tummy ache while at work

I was really strong. I only cried a little bit and I think everybody believed me when I said it was just allergies. The 1 ply was like sandpaper and it just never ended. And the real joke is I was crying about my pathetic fantasy team not my tummy ache. Well both really.

9 Slant Boys

the holocaust (honorary inclusion)

I think the holocaust is worthy of a mention despite it not taking place this century. That’s because it was really bad. Honestly now that I think about it maybe it should be higher. I honestly can’t think of a worst tragedy than what took place during these terrible times. I sincerely hope this never happens again, though unfortunately human nature seems to lead to these atrocities every so often which maybe be the most disappointing part of our species.

10 Chubb Memorial Team

sully’s season

What a fucking joke. Hey Sully, have you tried winning.