It is week 1 and I think I've already got seasonal depression

 I never overreact. I’m not the kind of guy who would threaten to hang themselves over minor inconveniences. I don’t threaten to hurt my friends if they say something I don’t like. I don’t trade Derrick Henry after week 2 because he’s “old”. I only have reasonable, knowledgeable takes. So that’s why I will share a very reasonable take for every team, because I know ball. Obviously.

DISCLAIMER: These are not the standings. If that’s all you want look at the standings. Don’t complain if your team is 3rd in the standings but, I dunno, 4th here. I’m ranking these teams based off a subjective mixture of past and projected future performance.

Ridley’s Sl0t Scrapers

Reasonable Take: Will be the most dominant team we’ve ever seen

0% chance this team doesn’t win the championship. The only weakness about this team is that it can only win 1 game per week. Sorry Steven but you’re gonna lose next week, unless Mike benches his entire squad. Guys we are talking 50 shades of grey in the bedroom level dominance. I’m already thinking of a funny venmo payment message to send to Mike.

Justin Jefferson’s ACL

Reasonable Take: Will miss the playoffs due to injuries

JK Dobbins? More like just kidding. Aaron Jones? Maybe they’re lying about the injury and it’s bad. Jakobi Meyers? He probably died. This team is so good on paper, but at an average of 3 injuries per week they will soon run out of players. I’m beginning to think this season may go down as one of the biggest what if’s in league history. It’s truly a shame, Andy finally had a great draft after having an iffy draft position (that he chose himself since he had first choice), and now  injuries have devastated the team.

Slant Boys

Reasonable Take: Plagued by mismanagement

Mike Matheny. Mike Yeo. Jacob Sullivan. All people that have managed to mismanaged talented teams. This team is on the cusp of a playoff spot but on the outside looking in due to poor lineup decisions. Look at last week, they lost by 30 after leaving (pulls out calculator) 84 points on the bench. Do not check that math. If this manager could ever do simple addition and just put the players that are gonna get the most points in the starting lineup, they could actually win some games.

Father of the Year

Reasonable Take: Joe Burrow doesn’t care about football now that he got paid

This is why you shouldn’t host your fantasy until at least week 3 of the season, news like this breaks and changes everything. Everybody knows Joe Brrrrr was only playing for his next extension. Now that he has it he’s done. Expect him to phone it in for the rest of this season as this team continues its high scoring ways despite an average of 11 points from the QB position. This was by far the hardest team for me to rank. No one on this team had an average week, they either boomed or busted (I count Akers and Conner as booming this week). So what do I do with that? 

Amon-Rawdoggin Your Mom

Reasonable Take:  Fucked a leprachaun to be so lucky

Fun fact about Brian managed teams of the past: they have yet to finish higher than 7th in points for in a season. Another fun fact: they have made the playoffs both years in the past. Last fun fact: a near death on the field gifted this team a co-championship. Brian must have not only fucked a leprechaun to sustain this level of luck, but he must have some good dick. Now I do concede this isn’t the luckiest week and his team was one of the better teams this week which isn’t saying a whole lot. However at this point I think we can pencil in Brian as the 5 seed with a negative point differential and he’ll still win a playoff round. Because that’s what he does somehow.

Lamar's D1arrhea Boys

Reasonable Take: Doesn’t want it enough

There is no desire in this team to win. They’re really becoming the perennial disappointments season after season. 6-7 and 5-9 show a trend of a downward spiral. The fans are in for a rough few years until someone finally makes a change. Even this week I’ve never seen a team win a game while trying as little as they did. It’s just disappointing.

MS Sentient Turd

Reasonable Take: Don’t know how to win

Week 1 proves to be a continuation of last season as this team just doesn’t have it in them to win games. They play to one level below their opponents. Against great teams they can put up a good showing, then against bad teams they make sure to play worse. I can’t tell what the issue is, lack of dawg? A leadership issue either in their core or coaching staff? We’ve seen Deion can fire up teams and run it up against teams they’re not supposed to. So what gives with the Turds? It’s disappointing to see such a passionate fanbase stuck with what they’ve had to watch recently.

Hocky Slush

Reasonable Take: Needs to trade Derrick Henry for a solid receiver.

A Derrick Henry trade can fix this team. I just know it. All they need to do is trade Henry and a super mid receiver for one of the better WR2’s and a high usage RB that’s inefficient. It’s gonna work I promise. This GM just needs the balls to pull off this fleecing 2 straight years. I’m sure this will fix the issue with RB depth, WR depth, and at QB. 

NJ Chubb Pierce'ings

Reasonable Take: Has no good WR’s

Garrett Wilson’s WR designation has been downgraded to mid after Aaron Rodgers was executed on the field Monday night in what was called the most disturbing event to happen on September 11th in recent memory. As a result Garrett Wilson should probably get traded, but that’s a whole other topic (conveniently covered one section up). After Wilson, who else does this team have? Jordan Addison? He’s named after a Dallas suburb with a lot of restaurants, so basically he’s fat. Scary Terry? Yeah, scary to have in the lineup (in the derogatory sense). Bad team. I really didn’t wanna put my team here.

She young on my h0e till i koo

Reasonable Take: No take is unreasonable

Say what you will about this team. No really, just say whatever you want. This team will be the first to lose every single game? Okay sure I’ll buy that. This team manages to somehow eek out 5 wins? Honestly… Kelce and Kamara when they return… yeah ya know what sure they could win 5 games. I’m not sure how they’d make the playoffs but hey they were projected to win at some points this week so anything is possible. Am I just saying this because at some point just roasting a guy for a whole fantasy season just seems like piling it on? No (yes).