NOTE TO SELF: PUT IN THE VEGGIE TALES THEME SONG

 I heard women like car guys. Well guess what, I have driven some cars before. Actually after doing some soul searching I’ve actually driven 10. I think that means I’ve successfully filled out a punch card or something and now a woman has to be nice to me. Which is a major improvement compared to how they usually treat me. Usually they just say ew. But it’s okay the last one said ew in a less mean manner then usual so I’m flying high right now. Please help me I’m so lonely.

1)  Darrian

Honda Accord circa 2009

This car had the coolest dashboard I have ever seen. It looked vaporwave somehow, even though it was owned by an old grandmother. It’s a Honda so even though it was old and had 180,000 miles, it handled like a beauty and was sick as shit. It was that old person “gold” and boy was I pissed when my sister was the one that got to drive it. And that’s why it’s fitting that Darrian of all people is in this pick. That’s right you wouldn’t expect either of these picks #1 but here we are. It is what it is.

2) Ethan

 A super nifty go kart circa ????

Was this car the fastest? No. Was it technically a car? I think legally though it’s not road legal. But was it fun as shit? Yes. Bijan and Kupp make this an exciting team. This team has the potential to be absolutely elite. But it might not be. I don’t know, but this is an early season candidate for the best team. Maybe.

3) Derek 

Ford Escape circa 2014

It was my first car. I broke so many things on this car and boy did it still go. I made eye contact with a girl for the first time in this car. I ran into the back of someone once in this car. I committed vehicular manslaughter on August 8th, 2016 in this car on Big Bend but I was never caught and there was almost no damage to the car so no one ever noticed.

4) Andy

Volkswagen Tiguan Wolfsburg Edition 2016

I probably should’ve bought this car. It’s like my Jeep Cherokee but better. It actually changes gears, which is nice. It had some zip, and boy is this team gonna be zipping. Boy howdy they got Aaron Jones and DK, whom are the most recent picks as of writing this which is the only thing I’m judging this team on. I’m sure that’s the best thing to judge teams on.

5) Steven

 My Mom’s Ford Focus

Steven gets the first, last person ranked of the year award. And I basically ended up alternating ranking bottom up and top down, therefore he gets 5th. I honestly don’t know who is on his team. I also didn’t really know where to put this car because it’s just kinda okay. Yeah

6) Brian

The Red Rocket

Did you know that I once drove the Red Rocket? I remember that night vividly. We were playing that game where you drop someone off somewhere and they have to figure out where they are and go pick them up. It was like a race to pick up your person and get them back first. Somehow I ended up driving the Red Rocket that night. While I’m sure the car itself was quite good, I was quite nervous trying to rip it around roads I was rather unfamiliar with. It was also pretty dark. Therefore it is ranked rather low. I would like to apologize to those who disagree, this is one that is more personal than it is objective.

7) Phil

My Jeep Ch******* 2017

I’m barely paying attention to who is drafting who at this point, but I think this team has bad RB’s. And I think that despite being a car, the 2017 Jeep Cherokee would be a bad RB. For one I think it’d be 13th percentile in acceleration. It is more fragile than Keenan Allen and another fragile player combined. Oh Darren Waller that’s a fragile player.

8) Q

My Mom’s Old Mini Van

He picked Kyle Pitts. Oh dear. 

9) Sully

My Dad’s Old Chevy Cruze

It got T-Boned really bad, just like Sully T-Boned this draft by taking Tony Pollard really high. That Cruze was also really uncomfortable, just like I find this team to be really uncomfortable. Honestly this team is the Chevy Cruze of fantasy football teams. I would like everybody to know that yes that is an insult. It is a bad car.

 

10) Mike

Nissan Versa circa 2013

This is the shittiest car of all time. It’s pros are. The cons are the rest. The drivers seat is built for a 4 foot 6 30 pound chimpanzee. It fucking sucks. But don’t worry, the braking also fucking sucks. But that’s okay, it doesn’t go fast so it’s not like you need braking. It’s so slow the transmission doesn’t actually work I think, I’m pretty sure it only stays in first gear or second gear or maybe third gear. It’s approximately the size of a bad car. It fucking sucks. And that’s why it’s just like Mike. I’m writing this before the draft but he said something really mean to me so now he’s last place. Fuck you Mike. Piece of shit. 

Honorable Mention: Witz

My Dad’s Ford Maverick

I haven’t been able to drive this car yet, but boy do I want to.