Suicide is Badass

 Did you know that last week was suicide prevention week? They told us a lot at work probably because working a 9 to 5 is one of the most depressing existences. It sucks. That’s why I write whimsical fantasy football articles, just because I want to feel something. Of course this is legally a joke, I am perfectly mentally healthy. Anyways I am preventing you guys from killing yourselves by telling you exactly why you shouldn’t take a lovely toaster bath.


Reasons why you shouldn’t kill yourself I think


1 Andy - Has a guaranteed fantasy football championship


Ugh. I can’t believe we let Andy have the best team. He had a couple injuries this week, yet managed to be the highest scoring team in the league. 


2 Q -  You’ve already done the hard part of living in Mississippi, might as well stick around now


Honestly the only thing keeping these Turds from earning a bye is that they are the unluckiest team in all of history. They are the Atlanta Falcons of our league. They are the Seattle Mariners of our league. I am realizing I may accidentally be giving Q more reasons to end it.


3 Phil - If you kill yourself Arthur Smith wins


This description could probably go to any of the Bijan, Drake London, or Pitts owners as well, but I chose the Allgeier owner. Why? I thought of funnier things for the other ones. Anyways I’ve put this team at 3 because it’s good. Also if I rank them higher than where they are in the standings they don’t get bulletin board material. That’s right, when it comes to talking about upcoming opponents I’m just like Bill Belichick. That’s where the similarities begin and end. Actually potentially our sense of style, for better or for worse.


4 Ethan - Give it a week after Kupp and JT are back, then reconsider


If you kill yourself before Kupp and JT come back you’ll never know how good your team could be. Granted JT was kinda bad last year if you remember, so hopefully that doesn’t happen. And there’s a reasonable chance Kupp isn’t the same as he was, but hey I’m not rooting for that. This team is quite good without them, but if they bounce all the way back this team is elite.


5 Sully - You’ll miss the week Taysom Hill goes off


Would’ve had a write up but pulled me into a rocket league tournament.


6 Mike - In only a couple weeks everything will be fine (unless there’s more injuries, then have at it)


This fella here is certainly considering it. I know that for sure. But hey as long as you aren’t last in a few weeks when Ekler and Barkley are back, boy this team is scary. Assuming they come back great.


7 Derek - I have Dave & Busters tickets left to spend


I’m saving up for something good.


8 Brian - Can’t read these power rankings if you’re dead


Imagine a world without these power rankings. Oh my god that would be terrible. I’d imagine terrorism would still exist. People might still be racist. Feminism would be everywhere. Yeah, thank god those aren’t still things. You’re welcome. Now think about being dead. Yeah. No power rankings there. That would fucking suck. Brian, the only reason not to end it is these power rankings. I bet you were close with them being so late this week. But I got you.


9 Darrian - No longer the lowest ranked team


In 2020 16.8 veterans killed themselves a day. Darrian could’ve been one of them. Then… the number 9 ranking. A chorus of angels come down from heaven. An ambient glow appears. The day has finally come. This officially marks the first day Darrian wasn’t the last place team in the power rankings since… the post draft power rankings I wrote mid draft. Oh. Still I’m claiming 2 lives saved this week. I’m a hero.


10 Steven - Maybe Gibbs will be good?


Please don’t kill yourself Steven. It’s okay. If you kill yourself you won’t be able to make trades. I know how many other reasons I can think of. But hey hang in there buddy. Just keep thinking about that cat hanging in the poster. You know, the one that every grade school had. And the cat was hanging onto a ball of yarn. I wonder if their paws hurt from getting their claws stuck in the yarn. Like after a while of grabbing a bar my fingers kinda hurt. Do they have similar issues?

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