god hides in heaven because he fears what I can create on just one tuesday evening

 Here at the Weenie Hut Jr. Gazette Times we saw that last week’s theme was by far the most popular we’ve had so far. Therefore the only obvious conclusion that can be made is that you guys just like crime themed themes. That’s the only possible explanation, nothing else comes to mind. 

This week’s theme: Worst Crimes to Exist

1 MS Sentient Turds

Time theft

We are in a recession. So for a greedy employee to use their time for non-working activities while GETTING PAID is an absolute outrage! It’s like they want their coworkers to get laid off. No I don’t care that your “sick mother” is calling because “she needs to go to the hospital”. She shouldn’t get sick while you’re at work. Greedy pieces of shit. Speaking of pieces of shit this turds are burgling the rest of the league out of wins because god dammit they’re good. Too bad the water there looks at shitty as the turd costume the mascot wears.

2 Butker I Hardly Even Know Her

Embezzlement 

Companies work very hard to earn every penny they make. CEOs have to make tough decisions to keep their millions in bonuses, like getting even cheaper toilet paper or laying off even more single mothers. And these dick shits that steal money from the company for personal gain make it even harder. Every penny being diverted from company profits is just another penny the CEO has to take from a different greedy employee. Brian just got Derrick Henry again so he’ll be #1 next week but I thought Q would appreciate it more this week.

3 Slant Boys

Working from Home

Okay I guess this one is cheating a little bit but it should be a crime. The gall of the employees thinking that they can be responsible on their own. Without at least four levels of managers above them watching their every move in an office, how can we know they’re working every single day? If this keeps up they might start thinking that work shouldn’t be their highest priority in their lives. Sully’s team is ultra-nasty, they’re only 1 game back from the top seed and incapable of losing, I feel bad for those in the Denver house listening to him rosterbate all the time. I’m sure Sully has moaned Slant Boys instead of Haley a few times at this point.

4 Father of the Year

Corporate Espionage

This is one of the lowest forms of betrayal. For a corporation this is the equivalent of the Ides of March. These rat bastard spies destroy profits by allowing other companies to compete, and force their companies to actually come up with new ideas. Who’s supposed to pay for all that innovating? The only reason this doesn’t totally destroy the company is because at least they can keep employing children in Asia. Phil has Najee. Brian traded for Henry. If they rematch in the championship I’m sleeping in the tub face down.

5 Lamar’s Diarrhea Boys

Insider Trading

I’d like to first specify that this only applies when poor people do it. Obviously CEOs and Congressmen work so hard all the time that they don’t have the spare time to do the research into stocks, so they should be allowed to just have people tell them what to do to make up for it. But lazy poor people just need to get better at investing. Just stop being poor. I keep ranking Ethan below his place in the standings but I think I might have to start taking luck into account.

6 Hocky Slush

Murder

Yeah this is a pretty obvious one isn’t it. To take an essential worker away from a company permanently is one of the worst crimes imaginable. The costs to the company to replace that cog in the machine are incredibly high, especially when it comes as a surprise like that. Hopefully that employee kept their work well documented so that their replacement can quickly catch up to speed. I think I’m gonna regret ranking myself in a playoff spot but I did just put up 140 with Dak as my quarterback, so I’m kinda nasty. 

7 Youngway Kooter

Abortion

See murder above but this one isn’t quite as bad because we don’t know that the unborn employee would be a very good one. Also since they haven’t started working yet they are way easier to replace. This crime can also easily be justified as women that have them no longer have to have maternal leave which is another thing that should be a crime. Even though Darrian has proven that he isn’t bad this year and it’s lasted quite awhile at this point, I do still feel dirty ranking him this high. If I don’t make the playoffs this year I want him to because he absolutely will not lose the Sacko this year.

8 Justin Jefferson’s ACL

Job Hopping

Speaking of things that should be crimes but for some reason aren’t, job hopping. You mean that this ungrateful piece of shit wastes so much of the company’s time getting trained and ramped up only to leave as soon as they almost produce as much as they’re getting paid? Absolute filth. Garbage. Leave them in the sewers. Andy was number 1 in week 5. And now… Beware those that lose to Hocky Slush, this is what follows (watch out Mike your team might start playing poorly.

9 Chubb Memorial Team

The Use of Marijuana

Marijuana should be re-banned in every state. It makes workers lazy and hungry. The only thing they should be hungry for is money for the company. Yet instead they just become hungry for things like hot chips and lying. I think at least I’ve never touched the Devil’s lettuce. Cocaine and Adderall on the other hand should be encouraged to increase productivity. Steven congrats you won your personal Super Bowl. You now have the tiebreaker on Mike.

10 Sisyphean Boulders

Making Fun of Me For Eating Instant Mac and Cheese Most Days for Lunch

Fuck you Steven, Saravan, other Derek, that one woman on the other program who I’ve never actually talked to except for the one time you made fun of me for my instant mac and cheese, and any other haters out there. No I don’t have the palette of a fourth grader because they can’t drink and I do so excessively. It’s not funny when you say Kraft should put my face on the bowls since I single handedly keep them in business. It doesn’t even make sense because they’re such a big company they already make enough money. And besides I’ve switched to the Velveeta ones because I can pretend the cheese isn’t powdered yellow plastic. This team sucks. I can say that now that I beat them.