My only purpose in life are these power rankigns

 Hey guys it’s almost Halloween. Like yeah there are a couple power rankings before Halloween but I’ve decided on this theme this week for a multitude of reasons. And by that I mean I’ll either forget or think of something better Halloween related later anyways so this keeps the door open for that.


DEREK’S BIGGEST FEARS


1 MS Sentient Turds

Boobies



Ahhh no not titties. Oh no they’re so scary. Nothing would scare me more this Halloween than if women sent me pictures of their boobs. Whatever you guys do don’t tell your lady friends to send me pictures of their tits so that I DON’T get really scared. Anyways Q’s team is a beautiful as a nice rack.


2 Brian for the love of god just choose a team name it’s not that hard jesus fucking christ

My mortality



Some day I’m gonna die. Then what? Maybe this fear is better labeled as fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s the fear of meeting my creator. Whatever it is I’m petrified. I suppose that’s no way to live but I suppose it’s a bit late for that. Brian’s team just had the highest scoring week despite having a down week from Josh Allen and Jamar Chase. Maybe I should’ve listed them as one of my biggest fears.


3 Father of the Year

Forgetting to put my pants on before going to work



I’m not totally sure if this would lead to my clearance getting revoked. I think my ass is fat enough that people wouldn’t mind that I’m putting on a bit of a show. And in the front they can’t claim that I nearly flashed them because it’s totally smooth like a Ken doll. So I don’t think I’d end up on a sex offenders list. Still I’m scared I’m gonna do it one of these days. Phil’s team has the lowest points against yet he’ll still find a way to play victim.


4 Justin Jefferson’s Hamstring… I mean ACL

Getting pulled over by the communist police while enjoying the freedom to booze cruise


What pussy drinks wine and drives?


This sadistic portion of our cancel culture will eventually lead to America’s downfall. How dare I, a god fearing America loving citizen, have a multitude of drinks before operating a motor vehicle. You really expect me to drive sober!?!? Um hello, that’s really scary and stressful. I need some liquid courage to get behind the wheel. Was Andy’s team good or did he just have Justin Jefferson? We were all asking ourselves that heading into this week and well it looks like it might’ve been the latter. The early favorite to win it all looked like a toddler the way he shit the bed this week. Oh boy


5 Slant Boys

Settling for an unhappy life due to an avoidance of risk



What if I live an unfulfilling life with a woman I don’t really like doing a career I hate but it pays the bills just because I’m too risk adverse? What if I went to therapy instead of subtely masking my fears and insecurities as comedic fantasy football related rants? Ha, don’t worry that’s also a joke because obviously since I have a security clearance my mental health is as strong as ever and I don’t need therapy. I wish Sully could still be the punching bag for the league. Like yeah Steven still exists but still I really enjoy making fun of Sully. Now his team actually looks good.


6 Lamars Diarrhea Boys

Cockroaches



Anything that can survive a nuclear blast are scary as fuck. You mean this bug could’ve survived Hiroshima? Bro look it up they can, the mythbusters proved it. Like what the fuck. It’s their world and we’re just living in it. I don’t really understand how Ethan keeps winning. His points against are inflated by one week. Otherwise he just keeps stumbling into wins. Gonna win the championship some how.


7 Youngway Kooter

Global warming ruining the taste of beer



I have so few things going for me in this life and one of them, and quite possibly the most important, is that I love beer. I can’t imagine living without it. Every day I don’t have it I get sick. And if global warming ruins it then it’s over for me. Maybe the libtards are right on this one. Why would anybody start Curtis Samuel? Why did it work? When will Tank Bigsby SZN start?


8 Hocky Slush

People not liking me



Lol I’m well aware this is a common occurrence already. That’s why I live in a state of constant fear. Speaking of not liking things, I don’t really like my team. It’s not the worst, I could even squeak into the playoffs somehow. But I will never have confidence in my team. Their ceiling is pretty good. That’s not a fun team to have.


9 Ridley’s Slot Scrapers

Scoliosis

Ow my back.


10 Chubb Memorial Team

The savages if I, god forbid, miss a power rankings



I’m a slave to my craft. If I were to miss a week I fear for my life. Every day I wake up and pray that god grant me the mental strength to remember. Every day I pray that god grant me the vision to keep creating. If one day the well drys up… Please, just tell my mother I love her. 

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