whatever you do don't cum

 With how often I talk about drinking and driving people may think that I do that quite a bit. I’m not gonna make that claim publicly. I am just a red-blooded true American that enjoys freedom. I think you know what that means. And here are more examples of true Americans.


Brian 

Tony LaRussa

He’s a hall of fame person, and this is a hall of fame team. Tony only has 2 DUIs, but only one in which he was able to inform the arresting officers that he was in the Hall of Fame. The number 1 is important. It’s the ranking of this team, and it’s the amount of days Tony spent in jail for his offense (he was granted work release and home detention, so no jail actually).


Q 

Marcell Ozuna

Legendary DUI. Man had a box of open glass coronas while doing 90 in a 35. There’s booze cruising and then there’s this. But he didn’t crash, just like I kinda thought this team would crash due to its history of finding everywhere possible way to lose with a good team and then they didn’t. Anyways Ozuna didn’t get a speeding ticket, nor did he do any time for this offense.


Ethan 

Charles Barkley 

Charles Barkley got a DUI back in 2009. I had never heard about this today. To make him even more of a patriot, the reason he got pulled over was he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to get to somewhere private because the chick he was with was “hot” and “he was gonna go around the corner to get a blowjob”. Not just any blowjob, apparently the week before she gave him one and it was the best he had ever received. He was not charged. Ethan’s team is fine.


Phil 

Tiger Woods

Honestly this is a boring DUI story. Just hopped up on sleep drugs, painkillers, and devil’s lettuce. But he did get to go to DUI school hopefully to make him better at getting fun DUIs. This team has a cake walk against Steven this week so mark them down for 5-3 this year.


Andy 

Miguel Cabrera

Back to the fun stories. Miguel Cabrera got pulled over and instead of doing something smart like hiding his drunkenness from the pigs, he grabbed his bottle of scotch and kept drinking. Which is badass. He also told the cop he was gonna kill “him”, however that him appeared to be someone who was not at the time present. He very much resisted arrest as well. This team appears to be demoralized by it’s lost against to their bitter rival, as they’ve lost 2 of 3 since.


Sully 

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan had a few DUIs, so I’ll just mention the fun facts. Her second one was less than a week after leaving the court mandated rehab for the first one. She was sentenced to 1 day in jail for the 2nd DUI, and she served a total of 84 minutes of it. She only did cocaine 10 to 15 times according to her, which is roughly the amount of times she got arrested. I miss the days of Sully the punching bag, now his team is actually really good. Probably gonna be the 3 seed at the end of the season.


Darrian Shia Labeouf

Shia Labeouf only has one DUI, but he has other fun alcohol related arrests so let’s focus on those. One he got arrested for trespassing at a Walgreens because he was drunk and acting up, and then after getting kicked out he’d just come back (sometimes in new clothes). Apparently he was so drunk he just kept forgetting to buy the cigarettes he meant to buy. Another one he was at a Broadway show and was ripping ciggies in the theater and slapped the lead actor’s ass. He also tried to fight a guy cuz the guy wouldn’t let him bum a cigarette. Everybody below here should be ashamed that they’re ranked below Darrian.


Derek 

Ryan O’Reilly

A true patriot, Ryan O’Reilly did the most American thing possible when he crashed this car:

into the symbol of Canada, Tim Hortons. He is an honorary American and continues the tradition of all great postseason St. Louis athletes having DUIs. I don’t wanna talk about my team. I hate fantasy football. I copy and paste that every week for power rankings.


Steven 

Michael Phelps

Not only is he a great swimmer, but yet another example of being a great driver while drunk. He managed to do 84 in a 45 zone without crashing, and was over twice the legal limit at the time. You might be thinking, he can’t get any cooler. Well guess what, that was just his celebration for an 8 hour gambling session at the casino. I propose we have a Michael Phelps night once a year to try replicating his accomplishments that night. Also congrats Steven you’ve been promoted to second shittiest team.


Mike 

Henry Ruggs

What a train wreck, or maybe car wreck. Oof. That joke made me cringe as much as when I checked Mike’s team. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWW that team sucks. He’s gonna blow my back out this week.

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