if the martians had the death beam pointed at us and I had to just do the simplest task to save us we'd all die

 So with the recent Corey Perry news I have to be a responsible news outlet and not overreact to unfounded rumors about an athlete who may or may not have boned his rookie teammate’s mom. And I’m not saying he did. Because that would be irresponsible. Anyways here’s the theme.

ATHLETES THAT DEFINITELY BONED TEAMMATES MOMS/WIVES/GIRLFRIENDS 

This was the worst theme I’ve chosen. I feel disgusting after doing that research. I hope no one that wrote any of the articles I read actually claim to be journalists because they made me want to claw my eyes out.

1 Return of the King

 Delonte West

So fucking your teammate’s mom is one thing, but to do so with the whole locker room except for him knowing is something else. But to make matters even crazier, the teammate in question was Lebron James. That is some unheard of adversity to overcome, which Lebron did not in the 2010 playoffs when he was really bad after apparently finally finding out. He then left for Miami. There are claims this isn’t true but I find it funnier to believe it is. Anyways Brian is a force to be reckoned with. I’m gonna claim that’s not my fault. His dreamy eyes tricked me.

2 Justin Jefferson’s ACL

Zach Wilson

So you may be saying, Derek, he didn’t fuck his teammate’s mom. Well to that I say, isn’t your own mom your biggest teammate in life? And isn’t banging her best friend the lowest thing you can do? Especially when you’re Mormon? Andy has won his last 4 and has gained *checks notes* 0 games on Brian. Good job.

3 Father of the Year

Rafael Palmeiro

I really wanted to make this whole power rankings about moms but that was really hard so I stopped. Instead here’s Rafael Palmeiro who has been rumored to have slept with a lot of his teammates’ wives. That’s kinda boring, until you hear that the rumor is he did it to get back at his teammates for making fun of him for being a Viagra spokesman. God I hate writing these power rankings. Is this what journalism has become?

4 MS Sentient Turds

Brendan Shanahan

I put Shanahan here because I thought it’d make Q feel better. Get well soon you lucky son of a bitch. He (back to Shanahan not Q) apparently slept with Craig Janey’s wife so the Blues traded him to the Whalers for some random ass defenseman named Chris Pronger.

5 Lamar’s Diarrhea Boys

Golden Tate

Did you know that Russell Wilson has been divorced? I do now. There are rumors (I’ve said this word way too much) that Golden Tate was plowing that woman’s backdoor but I do not remember her name. These rumors have been “disproven” and by that I mean there were some half hearted nuh uh’s when asked about it. Congrats Ethan, for the first time in franchise history you got a not lucky win. Of course it was against me.

6 Youngway Kooter

Russell Wilson

Russell Wilson is no angel himself, he was fooling around with another man’s girl. I didn’t care to remember any of the names involved but he was seen getting ice cream with the at the time Detroit tight end’s girlfriend. That tight end then drunkenly tweeted about it. Good times. I put Darrian at the front of the tie because he has the smallest losing streak of the group except Mike, who is breathing into his mike loudly so I ranked him last of the group.

7 Sully 

the dudes that swapped wives

Some Yankees pitchers did a permanent wife swap which is pretty crazy. I mean it was really the whole families, like they started taking care of each other’s kids even. That’s some cuck behavior. I have no reason to rank Sully as the second in the tied group, I just felt like being humble I guess.

8 Hocky Slush

Avisail Garcia

Avisail Garcia committed the cardinal (though he never did play for the Cardinals) sin of sleeping with Prince Fielder’s wife. I love Prince Fielder so he’s a piece of shit in my mind. And one Miguel Cabrera, best known for his prior appearance in the power rankings but also winning the Triple Crown, agreed with me and jumped Garcia’s ass in the clubhouse. King shit. Anyways I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team I hate my team.

9 Sisyphean Boulders

Tony Parker

He cheated on Eva Longoria with his teammate’s wife. I don’t know who that woman was besides the fact that the 3 trashy articles I read didn’t actually list a last name which is kinda strange. I personally would not have done what Tony Parker did. As Mike would say, I’m a champion for women.

10 Chubb Memorial Team

Sean Avery

Sean Avery didn’t sleep with any of his teammates WAGS to my knowledge, but his ex did start dating noted pylon Dion Phaneuf. Sean Avery then got suspended 6 games for telling reporters that Phaneuf was a big fan of his sloppy seconds. So that’s kinda funny. Steven what the fuck happened to you? You had a juggernaut last year and now this? Buddy…