Worst Benchings through 9 weeks

I have a very important deadline for work that I need to finish up today, so naturally I decided to write a guest article for the 10 other readers of weeniehutjr (I see you ass commish Witz).

I went through everyone's rosters for the first 9 weeks of our season and found the following below by selecting the two highest skill position players off each person's bench (WR, RB, or TE).

I find this data interesting for two reasons:

1. This conclusively proves how laughable it was that Brian and I made the championship last year, as we are far and away the worst at roster management.

2. I took a very long time writing all this down, so I sunk cost myself into thinking it was worth my time.

Anyways, here's everyone's worst week:

Return of the King (Brian):

worst benching: Week 7, D'Onta Foreman

difference in outcome: Wins 100ish to 98 vs. losing by 15 if he substitutes Foreman for either of his RBs this week

analysis: I guess it's hard to justify starting D'Onta Foreman over Rhamondre or Brian Robinson (especially when your team is named after the latter) but hey you could've won. Instead you handed Steven his second win and your bench with two guys on BYE only scored 20 less than your starting roster. 

conclusion: Karma for not trusting Achane

Father of the Year (Phil)

worst benching: Week 4, Nico Collins and David Montgomery

difference in outcome: Instead of losing by .38 points, I would've won by a healthy margin if I'd started either of these guys over any of my top 2 RBs or WRs

analysis: Nico over Davante at this point in the season was a stretch, but it takes a real fucking idiot to convince yourself not to start Monty when he's healthy just because "the game's on Thursday" and "I wasn't sure I could watch it on the plane" and "Jerome Ford was the guy I saved my #1 waiver claim for so I have to start him." Just another in a long line of decisions made by drafting well and then giga-braining myself out of points

conclusion: I'm a fucking moron

Mississippi Sentient Turd (Q)

worst benching: Week 7, Michael Pittman Jr.

difference in outcome: Would’ve barely won by starting Pittman over Gabe Davis’s near goose egg in his flex

analysis: Q’s team generally seems to have his bench and starters either all do well or all do poorly, so this is the only one I could find that would’ve swung an outcome. Teams put up numbers against the Turd and they have to to win because he seems to mostly start the right guys. It is funny that DHop put up 3 TDs on his bench in Week 8 though, and does well only on the bench. Q’s wasting his talent like he’s secretly Arthur Smith

conclusion: Kyle Pitts

Justin Jefferson’s ACL (Andy)

worst benching: Week 4 Kmet

difference in outcome: would’ve won by 20 instead of losing by a pubic hair

analysis: Oh how the mighty rosterbater has fallen. Andy had a great start to the season, but Derek just barely edged him (pause) in Week 4 and it’s been a different story since then. This guy doesn’t know Tight Ends, and one could argue Tight Ends are the most versatile player on the field, truly the most ‘football’ players of all. Andy doesn’t know ball, confirmed.

conclusion: The George Kittle Experience

Youngway Kooter (Darrian)

worst benching: Week 4 Josh Reynolds

difference in outcome: Win by a few vs. lose by a few if he starts Reynolds over Amari Pooper

analysis: Darrian’s all convinced that Amari Cooper is back now that his QB who won’t take no for an answer is force-feeding him helmet passes, but most of us just don’t trust this guy. Would we have started a rando on the Lions over him? Probably not. Does Darrian ever really have decent bench options? Not really.

conclusion: Worst Bench in the League

Lamar’s Diarrhea Boys (Ethan)

worst benching: N/A

difference in outcome: N/A

analysis: I couldn’t find a matchup where Ethan lost by a close enough margin that his bench would’ve made a difference. When he’s lost, he’s lost by an amount that no bench points would have overcome. He’s had a pretty solid bench throughout the season (5th in bench points), but quite frankly hasn’t needed it. He either wins or loses, but it stays simple. Still kind of a fraud record, but to be expected that his points aren’t great and he’s betting on stashes of JT and Kupp, and Bijan doing something (getting Arthur Smith fired?)

conclusion: Stars have aligned (for now)

Slant Boys (Sully)

worst benching: Jags D/ST Week 4

difference in outcome: Would have just barely won vs lost by a 15+ to Steven 

analysis: Going off the board here because this might be the first massive D swing I’ve noticed. Sully started off on an 0-3 slide and really could’ve used a win, and week 4 was a good chance against the unluckiest team in the league. However, he picked the wrong defense, and we should all laugh at him. I haven’t forgotten that this man had the WR1 and the RB1 two years ago, and I never will. Lesson learned: always start a defense going against Desmond Ritter. 4-5 feels a lot worse than 5-4 for some reason.

conclusion: Relocate the team to London

Hocky Slush (Derek)

worst benching: Khalil Herbert Week 4

difference in outcome: Would’ve put Andy in the fucking ground instead of just barely beating him

analysis: Once again in my limited analysis, I couldn’t find a loss for Derek that would’ve been swung by one better roster move. Instead, I want to talk about morale. Derek’s team is 4-5, but he has some great players and honestly that record is miraculous for a man who is probably still insisting that Daniel Jones was a good QB1. Anyways, we all know Andy started off strong and Derek was slow out of the gate. Derek finally beat Andy, but what he didn’t do was humble him. Maybe this was a giga-brain prelude to rivalry week. Maybe then Derek can exorcize his demons and turn his season around. 

conclusion: Derek (derogatory)

Sisyphean Boulders (Mike)

worst benching: Trevor Lawrence Week 5

difference in outcome: win by 3 instead of lose by 7

analysis: going away from FLEX position players on this one because when Mike’s lost, he’s generally lost by a lot. He obviously couldn’t predict Anothony Richardson getting hurt, but at this point in the season, this week 5 loss is the one he’s going to look back on as the “one that got away.” If he’d just made the right QB play he’d have eeked out a rivalry win, instead he lost to a guy whose defense put up -5 against Justin Fields. That’s just tough, things are incapable of going right for this team this year.

conclusion: The Indianapolis Colts

Chubb Memorial Team (Steven)

worst benching: Jordan Addison Week 1

difference in outcome: Wins by 3 instead of loses by 8

analysis: Would’ve been a bold move to start Addison week 1 over a more proven guy like Scary Terry, but if Steven had done so he’d have won this one. Have to imagine losing Chubb week 2 feels a lot less dooming if he started the season 1-1 instead of 0-2, and I’ll give him credit for trusting Addison more as the season has gone on. But nothing has worked this season for Steven, and leaving bench points from Addison here and Tank Dell multiple times later in the year just adds insult to injury. Steven’s team has been about as puzzlingly bad as we assumed returning league member Darrian would be. But someone’s gotta be last every year.  

conclusion: thank you for your service