alexa play despacito slowed down sad version and dim the lights please, its one of those days

 I would like to formally apologize to the readers of the Weenie Hut Jr Post Gazettes Times New Roman. You expect nothing less perfection and you deserve it. However, I have reached the acceptance stage of grief. As a result I am quite hinged right now, I’m pretty tired in fact. These rankings will be quite sane, but don’t worry the level of writing will be just as low as you might expect.

1 Return of the King

OJ Simpson

Killers on and off the field. Hopefully this team doesn’t get too complacent during their bye week. The only way they lose this year if they let themselves get too big of a head. As long as they don’t get too cocky and, I don’t know, don’t let their opponents set their roster they’ll be fine. Anyways this is my official protest of the ongoing collusion and Brian and Mike should both be relegated to the Witzo Bowl playoffs. I’m the unbiased media saying this. I report only facts.

2 Justin Jefferson’s ACL

Gibby

GIBBBBBBAY. 

3 Father of the Year

dude sucking his own dick

This team gets the honor of officially ending my season this year. I will soon know how the cow feels as the farmer touches the cool steel against its forehead. Bliss? Regret? I’ll report back. Anyways this team no longer has the lowest points against. Thanks to Phil himself for that fun fact, he’d be very upset if I didn’t reiterate that after he already let us know that.

4 MS Sentient Turds

Crocs

Gangsters move in silence and Q barely moves. 8 moves this year as of right now. I’m getting anxiety just thinking about that. Phil is throwing up in the sink. How does he do it? I have no evidence to back this up but I think that’s why he’s unlucky. If I’m wrong then that means I’m making all these moves and I am going through enough personal crises currently. That’s a dilemma I don’t want.

5 Youngway Kooter

Mystery Powder

Darrian wins this year’s award for being the team I hate ranking the most. No spot feels right. This team can only be defined by vibes and those vibes are slightly frightening and oft changing. People say dogs look like their owners well this team looks like Darrian. 

6 Lamar’s Diahrrea Boys

slot machines

I take it very personally that this team is so lucky. As the Book of Job says, why do bad things happen to good people? Well it’s because all the good things happened to this team so there’s none left for the good people. And they’re still only 7-6. Any other team with this luck would have all of the 9 other teams bent over their knee. And this team might be able to luck themselves into the 7 seed.

7 Slant Boys

Another Bud Select

This dude is too much of a pussy to play Taysom Hill with his season on the line. You want to guarantee the playoffs? Play Taysom Hill and watch him score 20. There’s no one stopping you. It’s totally free to make that lineup change. Back in college when you were working over the summer for example you weren’t scared of risks like that. Look at you now.

8 Sisyphean Boulders

Please free me from my mortal prison

Is winning a fantasy football game a bad thing? Usually no. However imagine stressing for a full week over not one but two rosters, only for the slimmest of chances of making the playoffs. Don’t get me wrong it could happen. You don’t even have to go full Pepe Silvia to explain it, it’s just right there. So think about that this week. All week. Think about how your players play. Think about all the lineup decisions you’re making for Brian. But don’t worry about it.

9 Hocky Slush

Bojack Horseman

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10 Chubb Memorial Team

Kevin Costner from Draft Day

There’s only one man that can turn this team around in the offseason. But in all reality Steven’s team is a great metaphor for life. No one could see this coming, this franchise was flying high. Then the rug got pulled out from under them. Everything gone in the matter of moments. Life too can be like that. One day you can be flying high with a Jeep Cherokee then 2 days later you have a Chevy Blazer rental in the impound lot. Life fucking sucks. Maybe if I stop leaving my apartment bad things will stop happening. I just need to make them stop. Just make them stop. Make them stop. Make Them Stop. MAKE THEM STOP. MAKE THEM STOP. MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.MAKE THEM STOP.