the end of an error for Derek's boys

 Every year I get so excited to do these power rankings but during the slog of the season I start to question my obsession with doing them. During the midseason it definitely gets to be a bit repetitive, but now that the season is over and here I am writing the last one of the year, I’m already excited to do this again next year. And to hold us over until the next power ranking, I’ll give y’all my predictions for this upcoming year so you guys can look forward to them. 

1 Return of the King

Trades places with Derek

Our 2x champion isn’t done. After steam rolling through the season with a loaded roster (the contribution of the trade will be discussed in a very near future article) Brian kept it going through the playoffs with maybe a little help from Justin Jefferson. But he isn’t done. Trading with Derek has been working out so well he decides to take it to the next level. That’s right, this year Brian decides to trade places with Derek (I don’t want this trade to happen but Brian will talk me into it still). Brian will move to Dallas and become a software engineer for Raytheon while I move into the Pudlo residence and work at Boeing. Note this isn’t Freaky Friday, we keep our bodies. 

2 Justin Jefferson’s ACL

Becomes first spectator to successfully steal and drive an Indycar, dies in spectacular fiery crash moments later

Well Andy this season is nothing to be ashamed of. You put up an incredible run without being gifted any stud players. And this comes after 2 seasons of us making fun of you behind your back for being really bad at fantasy, or maybe we did make fun of you in front of you, can’t remember. However falling short left you hungry for the feeling first. So you look to other, more dramatic, means to be first. On May 26th Pato O’Ward will show up to IMS to an empty garage as before the pre-race parade Andy will pilot his car onto the oval evading police, only to spin into the wall in turn 3 and perish in a fiery blaze. Witz takes his franchise and gets the 10th pick next year, as Andy chose Pato as his driver for the draft order but he gets DQ’ed because of Andy.

3 Father of the Year

Decides to embrace his Hispanic heritage and moves to Mexico 

Hola senors. That’s all I know in Spanish. To some Phil had just a very solid year, but wasn’t a total success as he didn’t win the championship. However people who know Phil know that isn’t the case. This wasn’t a solid season, this was the perfect season. He won his Super Bowl in the first round by beating Mike, anything else would’ve just been extra. And Phil decides to end his American citizenship on a high note before moving to Mexico to embrace his heritage. Everybody assumes he becomes involved in drug cartels due to his natural charisma and because no one can think of anything else he could be doing in Mexico. However his sudden appearance as a 3rd line winger on the Mexican National Roller Hockey Team leaves us with more questions than answers.

4 Sisyphean Boulders

Learns how to burp

There’s nothing more Sisyphean than Mike’s playoff runs. For his sake I’ll leave his season review at that as I don’t wanna rub it in too bad. Anyways as everybody probably already knows because this is Mike’s favorite fun fact about himself, he can’t burp. However during the ski trip in Colorado, Phil will become very drunk and get himself into some trouble at a bar. Luckily everybody ends up unscathed except for Mike, who was in the bathroom while shit went down but for some reason got punched in the throat anyways. Due to a medical miracle this allows him to burp for the rest of his life (not really a medical miracle, it’s just that no one thought it was worth looking into why it worked that way). In next year’s beer mile for the first time ever, Mike DQ’s because he throws up due to thinking the burping will make it super easy when that’s not the case.

5 Youngway Kooter

Stops active shooter situation, totally unaware of this until multiple days later

Darrian’s team really turned it on there when it mattered, really dominating in the first 2 weeks of the playoffs then having the generosity and grace to allow Steven the win in the final week. His humbleness and being a good person really inspires us all. This nice streak continues as during his freshman orientation he single-handedly foils a devastating school shooting plot. When the gunman enters the auditorium full of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, soon-to-be freshman, Darrian’s army instincts kicks in and he takes down the gunman. He immediately sits back down thinking it was just a drill and pulls out his phone to call us slurs on discord so he misses everybody cheering for him and the subsequent police investigation. It isn’t until days later when he receives an award from the university president for it that he puts it together, since he knows it can’t be for academic purposes nor for good behavior.

6 Lamar’s Diarrhea Boys

Becomes so unlucky he actually has to pay the lottery jackpot instead of winning it 

Ethan’s team this year will never shake the lucky allegations, and the playoffs this year has done absolutely nothing to help with that. Yes they won their first round matchup, however they won against a team with 2 TE’s in their roster. Unfortunately Ethan’s luck is about to run out. We all know his whole life he has had a LOT of lucky things happen to him to keep him out of trouble. Well what goes up must come down, and boy is it coming down hard. In an unprecedented move, the people at Powerball charge Ethan the lottery instead of awarding him the money, sending Ethan even further into crippling debt. After taking Powerball to court (adding lawyer fees onto the already record-breaking debt), Ethan not only loses but also it is determined he has to pay income tax due to some sort of technicality. But don’t worry, his luck turns in 2025 and he gets the 2nd largest government bail out in history after self-identifying as a bank.

7 Slant Boys

Works four jobs at one time after training AI to do all his work, gets fired when the bot starts harassing his female coworkers

Should Sully be higher? Some other media outlets may say yes. However other media outlets don’t have the courage to make fun of Sully for starting 2 TE’s with his season on the line. This media outlet not only has the courage, but we’ve actually been looking forward to it ever since he got knocked out of the playoffs. Luckily while Sully may make some dumb decisions with his starting lineup, he’s smart enough with AI to use it to his advantage and start earning a quadruple income which finally means he can afford a two-bedroom house on the outskirts of Denver. Life is looking good until all four of his jobs schedule HR meetings on the same day (luckily at different times so he can keep the charade alive). It turns out this genius AI has started sexually harassing all of his female coworkers and a couple male coworkers, for some reason favoring bald older men. It is unclear as to why this started happening, but the leading theory is it has something to do with Sully’s google searches.

8 Hocky Slush

Definitely doesn’t cause more international crises by spilling his coffee on his work computer at an inopportune time

My favorite part about this season is that it’s finally over. You may notice that this power rankings is longer than most of the others. That's because I’m finally excited again about fantasy football because there’s no way I can mess up this badly again next year, right? Unfortunately the mess ups continue until next year’s fantasy draft as this year’s international climate will make the Arab Spring seem like a great time. It takes months for the trigger to finally be narrowed down, but after multiple Congressional hearings and a multi-agency investigation that becomes the textbook example of the different government departments finally working together flawlessly (okay this might the most unrealistic part of the prediction), it is determined that it definitely wasn’t a guy named Derek in Dallas who definitely didn’t spill his coffee onto his computer. He also definitely didn’t try to fix it by smashing every key and then he definitely didn’t run away from his computer for two hours because he was scared of what he just did. On an unrelated note everybody is proud of Derek for leaving his Raytheon job and finding a cushy job at Target, until they realize it’s as a cashier.

9 Chubb Memorial Team

Finally decides to become a real boy and dyes his hair so he’s no longer ginger

He did it. He did the impossible. This team had no business being anywhere but last place and here we are, talking about the 7th place team.That being said, they still fall all the way to 9th in the power rankings because let’s be honest, they weren’t exactly a buzzsaw. They were just in the Witzo bowl playoffs in which any team can put up 60 at any given time. Speaking of being honest, Steven needs to be honest to himself and just become not ginger. All it takes is a few small payments of whatever it costs to buy hair dye (or shave it?). And that’s what he’s gonna do. Next draft a Steven with jet black lettuce will show up. Well to be more accurate he will have jet black hair at that time next year, however part 2 of this prediction is that after finally meeting most of us in person Steven realizes he doesn’t like us and we never hear from him again.

10 MS Sentient Turds

Moves to Boston two weeks before Mississippi annexes Massachusetts 

The more things change the more things stay the same. Brian winning the league? Q losing the league? What year is it? Yet here we are. I’ve never seen a team fold as hard as Q’s did at the end of this year. It makes me a little sad for such a nice young man. But hey, good things are coming for him. It won’t be much longer though until he finds himself living in a nice little apartment in the Boston area. Everything will be nice and dandy, but like his team it’ll fall apart. In an unprecedented move, Mississippi will annex the state of Massachusetts due to some weird shady deal involving Mitt Romney and Brett Favre. This move drags the whole entire state formerly known as Massachusetts all the way to the depths of Mississippi, leaving Q with the saddest 12 month lease of his life.