I think god hates me because why else would all of my flights ever always get delayed murder me please

So your whole fantasy football season will be dictated by the Indy 500 but you don’t know anything about it. Now what? Well here at the Weenie Hut Jr Post Gazette Dispatch Times brought to you by our primary partner Big Oil are here to help. We can’t make the decision for you, but we’re about to make it a hell of a lot easier by breaking down the best and worst drivers to pick.

You’re a Eurocentric snob
Marcus Ericsson

Even though Marcus is a Swede, he is technically European. Why does that matter you may ask? It doesn’t. I’m gonna keep it a buck with you, this may be THE guy to pick. His last 2 Indy 500s he went number 1 then number 2. Even if he keeps that trend going and finishes with a bottom podium position this is an oval race so 3rd could realistically get you first dibbs. However that being said, he learned how to oval race using iRacing and those guys fucking suck so maybe hold off on this guy. Also he switched to a slightly worse (but still pretty good) team this year so that’s an actual factor for selection.

Romain Grosjean

Maybe he won’t crash this time. I mean technically he has finished races without having to stop for repairs. He could definitely do it this time I promise. Getting real here for a second, when he doesn’t crash he actually does really well. Yeah he hasn’t won yet, but he has plenty of 2nd place finishes and a Shaq handful of top 10 finishes. But this is the big race so he’s gonna be racing his balls off until he causes the first caution of the race by running it wide on the exit of turn 3 with absolutely no one being in his way.

Takuma Sato

TAAAAAAKUUUUUUMAAAA. Love this guy. Did you know he was in F1? Did you know he’s won The Big One before? Did you know he’s done it twice? I do because I love this man. Because of his name, it’s pretty cool. He is 47 and has shown signs of slowing down though, and more importantly he has crashed both races I’ve been to (I’ll be at this year’s race just FYI) so picking him is a risk. On the other hand he’s sick as fuck.


You’re boring and choose winners
Alex Palou

I suppose maybe I shouldn’t have put Alex here as he’s the only one in this section who hasn’t won the 500 yet. That being said he’s a 2x Indycar champion and while dominant mostly on roads, he’s always a favorite to win any race no matter the track. The only knock on him honestly is just the fact that the race takes place at prime siesta time and as a Spaniard you have to wonder if he’ll be able to stay awake the whole race.

Josef Newgarden

Josef has a crush on me. That’s the only explanation as to why he would’ve won the only two races I’ve ever been to. Not the fact that I’ve been to 2 oval races and he’s one of the most dominant oval racers the sport has seen. Which honestly makes it shocking that he only won his first Indy 500 last year when he must’ve been the favorite for so long. The only knock on him this year is the fact that no one has repeated since 2002, but he’s off to an incredibly strong start this year so maybe that changes.

Scott Dixon

6x Indycar champion. 1x Indy 500 winner. 5x Indy 500 pole sitter. Unofficially the all time leader in any series in winning races that you have no idea how he won. If you’re watching a race Scott Dixon seems completely out of wait until the last 5 laps when he has a 20s lead out of nowhere. If the world drove like him fossil fuel emissions would be 0 because he successfully tricked his cars into not burning fuel. It defies the laws of physics, but what else would you expect from a Kiwi.

Helio Castroneves

Remember that fun little fact about no one repeating an Indy 500 win since 2002? If not go back to Josef Newgarden’s entry because I mentioned it and I put a lot of effort into this so please read every word I write. Anyways that back-to-back winner was none other than Helio Castroneves. He is tied for the most Indy 500 wins all time and is only a couple years removed from his last win back in 2021. He is almost AARP eligible being 48 years old and is only driving part time this year, but how can you bet against this wily vet.

You like them fresh
Marcus Armstrong

This young man shredded last year as a rookie for the best team in Indycar. He won rookie of the year and that was with some questionable strategy here and there. He was a potential F1 prospect before settling in North America instead. So what’s the knock on him? This year’s Indy 500 will be his very first official oval race. Last year he split time with TAKUUUUUMMMAAAAAA where he did the road/street races and Motherfuckin’ Sato did all the ovals. So even though he’s a great driver, do you think he’ll be a great oval driver?

Kyle Larson

If all you care about is a good oval driver consider Kyle Larson. 24 wins. 18 poles. Nascar champion. Indycar career? Well he’s watched some races. He’s raced with Indycar drivers at the 24 hours of Daytona but this is his first appearance in the series. He’s a very accomplished oval driver but this will be a new challenge for him, so he’s quite the wildcard. For the later picks he may be the ultimate go big or go home kinda guy. He also said the N-word.

Tom Blomqvist

I’m getting sick of this article. Old guy but kinda a rookie. Got a couple drives last year when someone decided to cut the brakes on a driver and that dude got fucked up. Pretty good. Hasn’t oval raced. We’ll see.

Linus Lundqvist

Good.

You’re a silly little guy
Ed Carpenter

A guy who owns his own racing team has gotta be pretty great. I’m sure he has so many wins. And I’m sure the ones he didn’t win he must’ve been pretty close. And the ones he wasn’t on the podium he must’ve been right there and just missed out. I wouldn’t look into it anymore especially because personally I want a better draft pick. But yeah this fella still races because he owns his own team so he gets to keep racing until he physically can’t. Which I respect the hell out of and if I had the money I’d do the same thing.

R.C. Enerson

Personally, as someone who was raised in the generation of participation trophies, I think we should decide draft order based upon most improved. And my brothers in non denominational deities it is quite easy to improve upon last year’s 32nd place R.C. received. Big caveat here, the only other result RC has had at the Indy 500 is a Did Not Qualify, which according to my math textbook I carry everywhere with me is worse than 32nd. However I have not confirmed that with the smart guys. We’ll see. Anyways he’s racing for Abel Motorsports which does not have a Wikipedia page as of this writing so maybe don’t choose him unless you really fell crazy (or are blackout drunk when we choose).


You don’t want Argentinians to hate you
Augustin Canapino

So would I choose him? Probably not. Should I admit the fact that I wouldn’t choose him? I won’t answer that. But I will say the last time something went against Canapino (and by this I mean his teammate bumped him costing him a couple spots when he was only in like 8th or something and then the whole of Argentina spammed him and his girlfriend death threats) it didn’t go well. So maybe you should choose him. I mean it’s not like the whole of Argentina would commit hate crimes for a driver who isn’t very good right? Fun fact, they would.

In God You Trust
Sting Ray Robb

Some people believe in divine intervention. Many in Europe once believed in the divine right of the monarchy. And some of you may believe in miracles. If you do, put your money where your mouth is and choose the driver of the #41 Pray.com car Sting Ray Robb. Does he have the name of an early 2000s Disney villain? Yes. Is this his real name despite being from Idaho where I’m told sting rays are not native? Yes. Is he only in Indycar because all of Christianity is funding him for some reason I don’t quite understand? I’m being a tad dramatic but I mean essentially yes. Sometimes it takes a miracle to win and if that’s the case you’d have to argue Sting Ray has the Big Man on his side.