Incredibly Accurate Post Draft Power Rankings

 

Here at the Weenie Hut Jr Post Gazette Times New Herald, we spent the offseason doing our own research.

 The biggest mystery of the 21st century has been puzzling researchers, detectives, and 

the common man for 23 years. And while we here after spending much time and ene

rgy could not unequivocally determine the answer, but we’ve come close. Here ar

e the top 10 most likely people to have committed 9/11. Also the post-draft power rankings.

1) The team formerly known as the MS Sentient Turds

Dick Cheney

Many people make the mistake of thinking George W Bush

 was 

responsible for the heinous act. However the answer is simpler than that. It was his vice president.

 Why we think it’s him you may ask? Well lots of reasons. Mostly because towards the end of last season we did

 a whole article praising W so it would be an extremely bad look to say he did 

9/11. Another reason: his name is Dick. 9/11 is widely considered a dick move.

 It just makes too much sense, it’s like the villain of a movie called Evil Guy. Anyways 

what a great draft from Q which is only to be expected. This team will score so many points in

 its first couple of losses until it gets totally injured as is tradition.

2) Addison AssEaters (Derek) 

It was an accident

Mike Harris is a pilot for an airline. Just think of who else could be 

flying those planes. You’re really telling me you think that couldn’t have

 been two accidents on the same day around the same time? I dunno seems pretty

 reasonable to me. Those were 2 really big buildings and I bet it was pretty dang windy that day.

 And it’s a lot easier for the FAA to blame these so called “terrorists” as opposed to acknowledging pilots

 could be stupid. Derek not only had a fantastic draft, but did so humbly.

 Only getting second because of his own insistence, but he very well may have had the best draft. 

When his roster was sent to various fantasy football experts, they all commented that

 he was really 

smart and 

handsome.

3) Washington Sewer Pipes (Steven) 

China

China does have a motive, at least I think so. I haven’t quite

 figured out how it benefits them but I’m pretty sure the whole country was in on it.

 They might be communist and I think 9/11 is an act of communism as well. Truly I have found

 no evidence that China is involved while doing my own research, however I have been told that

 putting them this high will do numbers. Shockingly, the guy that the writer spends so much time

 talking ball with in Discord is ranked quite highly in the post draft power rankings. Who on earth

 could’ve seen this coming (not the next theme on the list)?

4) Sisyphean Boulders (Mike)

Aliens

This couldn’t be a conspiracy theory list without aliens. Fun fact, every time I would start

 trying to research aliens committing 9/11, somehow it always ended up anti-Semitic. On

 the surface that connection makes absolutely no sense, on the other hand when you really dig into

 it, it still doesn’t make a whole lotta sense either. So I won’t comment on this one too much just to be

 on the safe side. Wow, Mike is pretty high on this list isn’t he. I definitely didn’t put him this high

 just to get under Phil’s skin.

5) Father of the Year (Phil)

Mattel 

Corporate greed is a bitch. You wanna know who this atrocity really 

affected commercially? Hasbro, or more specifically Jenga sales. A competitor

 like Mattel would really benefit from the lowered sales of a beloved family game. Would a 

company like Mattel really do something so drastic as to kill many innocent people just to hurt their

 competitor? I mean… they did make the Barbie movie. 

Wow ranking Phil right behind Mike huh. Didn’t do this because Mike believes in jinxes and is now 

convinced he will lose to Phil twice this year once again (don’t worry, it’ll be 1-1 in the regular season

 with a playoff loss to Phil).

6) Slant Boys (Sully)

Freemasons

If I learned one thing from National Treasure it’s that the Freemasons are behind everything.

 Actually was it the Freemasons? I can’t remember. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that movie.

 I should watch it again. The Freemasons logo has multiple slanted lines. Sully’s team is called the

 Slant Boys. Coincidence? I think not. 666 is the devil’s number. Boom. 6th place finished guaranteed for Sully.

7) Justin Jefferson’s ACL (Andy)

Nascar

Alright hear me out on this one. Nascar has 2 fantastic reasons for doing the 9/11. First, the

 sense of patriotism the US felt after these atrocities benefited the league so much, bringing 

an insane amount of fanfare to the sport. Nascar is one of the most American things and has

 only become more ingrained in American culture since 2001. Second, Dale Earnhardt passed

 away earlier in 2001 and this was Nascar’s payback for his untimely demise. What’s more confusing

 than Nascar being on this list is Andy’s draft. Andy used all his brain power to not

 fuck up the 1st overall selection, that he autodrafted 3 times while trying to find Deebo

 on the draft board despite picking him in the second round already.

8) Return of the King (Brian)

There were no planes, spontaneous falling

Do people in the United States ever cut corners to make more profit. No…

 okay maybe. I think it’s fair to assume that whenever whoever built the Twin Towers

 did it they didn’t follow building codes so it wasn’t up to spec. It doesn’t really matter what rules

 they didn’t follow or whatever just imagine they didn’t do it. And then the buildings just fell. And the

 planes in the area were just a coincidence. The Pentagon was just a bit in this scenario.

 Just like those towers, Brian really fell on his face this draft. But not to worry, a trade going into

 week 6 with Derek after starting 2-3 will turn his season around once again.

9) Lamar’s Diarrhea Boys (Ethan)

Kiribati 

Did you know that the islands of Kiribati are approximately a lot of hours ahead 

of the United States and did not warn us of the attacks despite being in the future? I know that. 

Why else wouldn’t they warn us? They were behind it of course. Let’s fucking nuke them.

 Ethan’s draft started off with some doozies. Puka in the first round was a strange one but 

okay. Allen in the second and Kupp in the third got people talking. The most puzzling choices

 most definitely have to be running Kyle Juszczyk and *checks notes* Patrick Ricard of the

 Ravens? When asked to comment on his surprisingly white roster, Ethan responded

 that race had nothing to do with his roster and cited Koo and the possible black players

 on his drafted defense, the Philadelphia Eagles.

10) Youngway kooter (Darrian)

Mark Wahlberg

Using the alias Marky Mark, this Asian hater was supposed to be on one

 of the flights that crashed into the towers. Yet he wasn’t on the flight. Obviously

 he knew what was to occur. And even if he didn’t “Mark” is a piece of shit so I’m

 cool with assuming he’s behind 9/11. I don’t need evidence. Anyways Darrian had

 a great start to this year’s draft, with comments like “who let him fall to Darrian” and 

“is this really Darrian drafting?” getting thrown around quite a bit. Then the relatively early 

Brady pick. Okay funny meme. Then Gronk. And Wes Welker. Darrian drafted for the past 

this year, we’ll see how it pays off.