i hate the blogger formatting it looks like it's gonna work but it never does

 

Oh my god week 1 finally happened. I can finally stop jorking it to 2023 highlights of TJ Hockenson

 before his injury and start cranking to week 1 highlights of my team. I was TIREd of this offseason

 so much. 

1 Washington Sewer Pipes

Yokohama YK-GTX All Season

These tires are obviously the best in existence. Why you make ask? Because they are the tires on my 

car and by ranking them first I am proving they are absolutely fantastic tires. That logic may not be that 

sound but that has never once stopped me before. The era of Steven dominance is once again upon 

us. Every single pick absolutely hit. His team has already been declared healthy for the rest of the season.

 The city of Washington (or state I do not know for sure) is rejoicing and begging Steven to father their 

children. The rest of the league is just battling for honestly 3rd as this team will manage to achieve both 1st

 and 2nd.

2 Addison AssEaters

Tires on fighter jets

I really like fighter jets. If I had to do a power rankings of coolest things all time they would land really, 

really high on that list. The tires on fighter jets are also really cool because they can withstand a fighter jet

 landing which is a lot of force or energy or friction or something. But they’re not quite as cool as the fighter jet

 themselves. Nonetheless they find themselves high on this list. As does the Addison AssEaters after their 

rebrand following their one year hiatus of naming themselves after a player that got a season ending injury. 

Their incredibly smart, handsome, and humble GM Derek has done a wonderful job constructing

 this team and they seem to be setup for success for years to come.

3 Slant Boys

Dude rolling down a hill in a tire

Quite possibly one of the most guys being dudes activities one can possibly do. Men see this and can 

only remark, Hell Yeah. Some may see this as symbolic of the circle life, but most see this and think I call 

next. Truly remarkable. The Slant Boys may have scored more points this past week than the team ahead 

of them in the power rankings, and may be projected to score an outrageous amount again this week, however

 have you considered. 

The fact this team hit on the Cooper Kupp pick just because of their team name makes me sad.

4 Jesus Died For Your Zyns

 Tire Swing

I remember back in the day I actually thought tire swings were fake and only existed in cartoons.

 I had never actually experienced a tire swing before and I didn’t know of anyone who had.

 Then I went to the Hedlesky’s house and they had one. It was pretty neat. While the Luck-o-Meter 

claimed no luck this week, it’s easy to imagine this team shooting up both the rankings and potentially standings

 had a certain white boy not been a little sore. After the split between the Weenie Hut Jr Post Gazette

 Extravanganza and this team’s GM I’ll admit I’m the first to point out his flaws and insecurities

. I’ll also occasionally mention his team. And this year his team could do a whole lot of talking.

5 Cuffing Season

 IndyCar Firestone Primary Tires

I feel like every single race the commentators are like oh I dunno, maybe it’s a alternate race.

 Maybe the primaries suck. They never do. They’re almost just as fast as the alternates but last 

way longer. Honestly if I were an Indycar team I’d risk just painting a red stripe on the primaries and hope no

 one catches me because it’d probably be worth it. This team of criminals is quite possibly the most boom

 bust we’ve seen in this leagues history and luckily in week 1 they boomed just enough. This is an incredibly

 tough team to rank because they’re just as likely to score 60 as they are 150. I think this team stays

 in the middle of the pack until someone trades Brian a great running back to move them into the upper tier.

6 Youngway Kooter

Tires thrown into bodies of water

Darrian is the most likely to throw tires into bodies of water. Some see that and say hell yeah. 

I would say that depending on the body of water, not a fan of when people do that at the disc

 golf courses I frequent. The starting lineup on this team is pretty solid, maybe not a team that necessarily

 scares too many people, though it does have some boom potential. This is a team that likely won’t let bad 

teams beat them but might not keep up with a couple teams higher. THat being said I don’t know that it

 has the bench depth to survive the season unless injury luck swings their way.

7 Phil

My TIREd ass trying to think of more tires

Brother this was tough. And if anybody says “oh well you didn’t think of this tire” I’m gonna email

 your HR and claim you have been harassing minorities on social media under a burner I have been carefully

 crafting for the past 3 years for this very instance. No I’m not claiming to be a minority. This team has 

the talent to be higher but we all know that Phil is going to start the wrong RBs every single week. If we had a

 bench points champion Phil would win in a landslide this year.

8 No Chubb

Really big tires for trucks that have obviously never been off pavement except for when they accidentally drive over curbs because only retards drive trucks that big

Can you tell I live in Texas? I fucking hate these trucks. I dream of slashing their tires.

 I hate them. This team actually looks like it has a lot of talent but ranking them this low is kinda 

therapeutic after how bad they were last year despite making the playoffs. And since the GM is currently

 slacking off during their psych rotation he has to understand where I’m coming from since it’s all brain 

stuff and agree with me.

9 New England Harbor Turds

Michelin Defenders

My friend spent a lot of money on Michelin Defenders. Like they were the most expensive tires at the

 shop for his car. When asked why he just kinda shrugged. They’re not actually that much better or

 anything. He just liked the look. Reader… the tires are black. Like every other tire ever. They all look the

 same. (Editor note: phrasing?) We don’t need to talk about Q’s team.

10 McConkey Want Boing Boing

 The tire that shredded and hit me on the highway that one time

One time I was driving on the highway and the car in front of me hit a shredded tire and launched it straight up 

and then it fell and hit the top of my car. That was the worst damage that car ever took (except when it got 

mega destroyed by a pickup truck). I don’t know what kind of tire it was, but I don’t like it. Fun fact Mike’s

 bench would have ended up 7th in this week’s power rankings, however next week when Mike replaces his

 starting lineup with his bench it will fail miserably. But he’ll do it anyways.