I wrote this on my work laptop

Hello I am guest power ranking this week, and unfortunately none of my coworkers wanted to get drunk tonight and there aren't any walkable liquor stores so I'm just doing this sober I guess. 

30 min later update I walked to a gas station so now i'm drinking bottled Mich Ultras and doing my best Derek impression. Also, apparently the suburbs of Chicago are not very walkable despite Google Maps routing me this way as if it was walkable. Here's a picture of the highway underpass on the way to the Shell station:

Staying in a hotel is strange because there's a strange childlike excitement about it for like 30 seconds and then you realize it sucks. I'm always looking forward to scrolling the cable channels but it turns out TV sucks these days. Anyway, today's theme is things on cable in my hotel room. 

#1: Chubb, Chuba, n Chubby

TV Show: Seinfeld

It's pretty sick how no matter what time it is or where you are, Seinfeld is always on cable somewhere. What's the deal with that??? haha Jerry so funny. Everyone wants to be Jerry, but we're all really George (except Darrian who is Kramer but specifically Laugh Factory Mike Richards 2007). 

Sully's team is full of 'classics' for fantasy football, like how Seinfeld is classic television. CMC, JT, Josh Allen, Deebo, Chubba, and now Nico Collins have all been absolute fantasy football DAWGS at times in the past, and right now it's all coming together. Those guys are all varying degrees of trustworthy (besides Josh "room 40" Allen who is very trustworthy), and right now it's all coming together to make Sully's team the team to beat on paper. Also, his trade with Darrian was pretty fair but we all know who's going to 'win' that trade.

#2: Aubrey's Third Leg

TV Show: Sportscenter

The thing with Sportscenter is you're pretty happy to watch it, or more specifically find it on the cable guide, or even more specifically watch it in Florida at 5 am after a night of drinking and crawfish broiling. But if you really watch it for a while you'll realize the best parts are electric (i'll always love u Sportscenter top 10), but the rest is kind of filler. Hit or miss.

I feel this way about my team. Derrick Henry, James Cook, Puka Nacua, and Brandon Aubrey are the highs and boy does it feel good to have those guys locked in my lineup, at least until Puka gets hurt. Everything else is pretty hit or miss. Tyler Warren might be a sneaky great TE in this league but is he good for fantasy? Is Garrett Wilson on the Jets EVER going to be a reliable fantasy asset again? Does anyone wanna buy low (like core of the earth low) on Taylor Swift's fiance??? He's available! Like watching Sportscenter, my team is solid and you can't complain, but it just might not have the stuff to be the best of the best.

#3: Wizard of Bos

TV Show: Forensic Files

Fun fact I'm pretty sure my dad has seen every Forensic Files episode an average of 7 times. I think it's the only thing he watched on TV for a solid four year period. Spoiler alert: the killer is always the girl's boyfriend. Crazy stuff. But still a relatively entertaining show.

I think if Marty understood how standard scoring fantasy football worked, and combined it with his years-outdated football knowledge, he's like Mike's team a lot. Multiple Steelers players, scrappy 'locker room guy' QB, decent RB depth all of a sudden. And like in most Forensic Files episodes, this team was offed by the most obvious possible culprit - his rival (8-1 head to head since 2022 in my favor btw).

#4: Sacko Bowl Nightmare

TV Show: Shark Tank

Shark Tank is a show about savvy financial choices, but also about weird ass products that you think to yourself "why would anybody buy this?" Did you know that most of the time the Sharks lose money on the investments from the show, and often don't even close the deal once the cameras stop rolling?

If Ethan's team was a Shark Tank product, I'd buy in. And I'd probably regret it. It feels he should be good and he's off to a respectable 2-1 start, without Ladd or BTJ even looking very good. Both those guys should turn around right?? There has to be a way to make money on this right?? Counterpoint: this GM owns Kyle Pitts. Also honorable mention to maintaining tradition in Quinshon "Respectable Gentleman" Judkins. 

#5: Washington Sewer Pipes

TV Show: The Shawshank Redemption

This movie is literally always on TV somewhere. It also sucks a lot more to watch when there's commercials every 10 minutes stretching it into a 4 hour movie. 

In the movie things are looking pretty rough for a while, but ultimately give way to success in the end. I think Steven's team probably ends up the same. Hard not to like the respectable points for and the roster overall, even with a rough AJ Brown start and a gaping hole at RB2. Much like the 'broomstick scene' in this movie, people have been absolutely going to town on this team (most PA), but I think better things are to come. Probably. Just hope this team doesn't have the old man killing himself ending instead.

#6: No Pain No Rogaine

TV Show: America's Got Talent

This show has a lot of style but lacks substance. And the style is questionable. Mostly it's become "America's top charity case" in recent years but it used to be cool at least. Unrelated, but remember when Howie Mandell tweeted a picture of his friend's prolapsed anus?

It's starting to seem like the magic of those two years Brian dominated our league have come to an end. He's still a reasonably ball-knowing guy, but his team feels a little fraudulent this year, and I'm not convinced his trade with Mike helped all that much (do any of us really trust Zay Flowers OR Keenan Allen?). Guess life is hard in seasons where some bozo doesn't donate Derrick Henry to your roster.

#7: Mississippi Sentient Turd

TV Show: Family Guy

It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV. Where are those good old fashioned values on which we used to rely? Really makes you think...

Family Guy is never, ever as good as you remember it, and similarly Q has a knack for drafting teams that we all think are good but never end up being as good as expected. Add in some bad luck this year (where were you when Joe Burrow fucking died?) and it's just hard to forsee this team ending better than .500, even though I think a lot of us quite liked his draft. Also, Q lives in Boston which is probably close to Rhode Island.

#8: day one or one day

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory

Who's out here actually watching this dumbass show? Has this show ever been good? Who's keeping it profitable? Before there was Rick and Morty for self-proclaimed high IQ individuals, there was this slop. Never forget.

Darrian's team is by all accounts total ass. But his team will still pull off some sneaky wins against yours somehow, and he'll probably go .500. Somehow, he always sticks around. You've got to have a high IQ (or autism) to enjoy the Big Bang Theory, and the same applies to trying to comprehend Darrian's draft choices every year. But good on ya, I guess.

#9: Sweep the Leg Jaydenson

TV Show: Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Jimmy Kimmel has been much-discussed recently, but I want to remind everyone that this guy was never funny in the first place. His best bit was encouraging parents to torment their kids on Halloween. And that never sat right with me.

You know what else never sat right with me? The so-called existence of Andy's "model." You know the one that hated all the picks by the teams who currently look good, and guided him to draft this mid at best disaster of a team (and that was before the injuries started). Maybe Mark Andrews will come back around the way Jimmothy Kimmelly got back on air shortly after getting cancelled, but I don't think it's going to help save what was a flawed product in the first place.

#10: Addison AssEaters

TV Show: Fox News

#1 source of state-sponsored propaganda these days. Total slanted, unreasonable, appealing-to-your-emotions bullshit. Do you think anybody really believes the shit spewed on this channel, or are they just deluding themselves?

Sure there are some solid pieces on this roster, but is there anybody on this team you really feel good about? There's been some bad luck involved, but it's just hard to believe in the long term for these guys. But plenty of people do get tricked into believing Fox News, just like we all got tricked last year into thinking Derek knows ball. This team seems cooked. Sorry bud.