Week 3 Power Rankings

 WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS: Baseball Stadiums

1) Borderline War Criminal

Stadium: Dodger Stadium

Reason: Is Dodger Stadium the best MLB stadium? No, probably not. Has it been ranked by some as the best? Weirdly, yeah. Just like the War Criminals, it’s a damn good stadium that may or may not deserve the top spot, but it gets it anyways.

The War Criminals have won the title of “Last Undefeated Team.” While entirely meaningless, the team has consistently put up solid numbers for the past three weeks and managed to score in the top half of the league this week despite missing 2 of their top 3 running backs. They also have a handsome GM.

2) Slant Boys

Stadium: Camden Yards

Reason: Camden Yards is a beautiful stadium that has set the standard for modern stadiums. Located in Baltimore (sadly), it has a beautiful view of the city’s skyline and a warehouse in right that actually looks kinda cool. The Slant Boys are a dangerous team because of their firepower and ability to pop off, and Camden Yards is dangerous because of crime. A match made in heaven.

The Sentient Turd fans were so excited for their home game this weekend and many grown men went home weeping. The Boys GM perfectly predicted Matthew Stafford’s racism and has turn it into a deadly weapon with Cooper Kupp. Josh Allen and Brandon McManus were playing schoolyard games with the Turds’ defense all night. This team may be the team to beat going forward, as long as they’re done dropping stinkers.

3) Mississippi Sentient Turds

Stadium: Oracle Park

Reason: A beautiful bay behind the right field wall. The stadium looks amazing. I don’t know that anybody has the park or the Turds as the #1 in the league, but boy everybody knows they’re way up there.

The day started out beautifully. Everybody had tears in their eyes for the wonderful Stephen Janikowski jersey retirement ceremony. People everywhere were hugging the body pillows and showing some love. What they didn’t know was that their team would get hit by a semi-truck. The day ended with those same body pillows soaking up many tears. Coach Deion Sanders wouldn’t leave the bathroom after half. D’Andre Swift was seen pacing the sidelines worrying about his dog to the point of missing most of the snaps in the third quarter. Boys The Slant Boys were literally pissing on the field in a show of dominance. Anyways, this team is really good.

4) Ape Coom

Stadium: Kauffman Stadium

Reason: Kauffman Stadium is a dang good-looking stadium. It is considered anywhere from a top tier stadium to just average. Just like Ape Coom, it’s an older style, a remnant of a bygone era. Despite that, it’s still pretty fricking good.

The Ape Coom is a solidly built team.

5) Chubb’s Massive Wagon

Stadium: American Family Field

Reason: When I think of incredibly average stadiums, I usually can’t remember them. Once I have a list pulled up, I decide it’s American Family Field. They have a “cool” thing with the slide, but like, that’s it. They spice it up with the sausage races but that’s not really part of the stadium. The Wagons claim to be Massive, but boy are they pretty average.

I was thinking this team would actually be super good. And, they’re definitely not a bad team. The Wagons will waltz into the playoffs without a doubt, but they won’t be in contention for a bye. When it comes down to GM effort per point though, they’re in a league of their own.

6) Shamu’s Blood Lust

Stadium: Progressive Field

Reason: The stadium itself is pretty good. Well, it’s not bad. They have a massive screen and hosted an All-Star game recently. However, the view of the Cleveland skyline stands as a haunting reminder that you are in Cleveland.

Shamu ain’t too bad. They have a 1-2 punch of Aaron Jones and (unfortunately for them) Zeke. Russell Wilson is pretty good even when he’s pretty bad. This team will most likely make the playoffs, but the roster doesn’t scare many around the league.

7) Andy Pissed Himself

Stadium: Nationals Park

Reason: Nationals Park isn’t bad. You can kinda see the DC skyline from the top seats. It is a modern look. But like, why isn’t it better? There’s so much that could be done with a stadium in DC yet they did nothing. But this stadium is one of the few remaining that don’t have a commercial name, and I appreciate that. It’s almost more impressive that this stadium has managed to hold back the tides of commercialism because of its lack of notoriety. There’s no history to this stadium like Yankee Stadium or Busch Stadium. There’s nothing beautiful about it like Camden Yards. It’s just a stadium that has its own name. And I kinda like that. The world has surrendered enough to advertisements in this world, we have to take the little victories these days. Anyways, this stadium leaves a lot to be desired, just like the Himselfs on the field. 

Andy Pissed Himself did win this week. There’s no two ways about it. However, this team still leaves a lot to be desired. GM Phil was able to trade rape the Hijabs bad enough to consider felony charges, but it seems to barely have moved the needle. They lost their first two and only managed to eek out a win against a Florida team missing their RB1 and WR1 for most of the game. They may be good on paper, but they haven’t proved much on the field.

8) Florida Methamphetamine

Stadium: Globe Life Field

Reason: It’s new! It’s shiny! It is the only warehouse that hosts MLB games! The stadium is incredibly boring and totally unnecessary. Just like the “Methheads,” it’s totally uninspired and kinda ugly. But hey, they’re a football team most definitely.

Let’s take another moment to appreciate how boring that stadium. Damn. Anyways, the Methamphetamines really put up a fight this week. People around the league were quite impressed with their showing against Andy Pissed Himself. That being said, this team still isn’t that good. They lost their only real running back in McCaffery and CEH has had the only good game he’ll have this season. I’m left wondering if they have something left up their sleeve for the rest of the season (put their players on meth?).

9) Free Dub

Stadium: Oakland Coliseum

Reason: The Oakland Coliseum has some charm, just like the Dubs. However, the stadium routinely fills up with literal shit and is incredibly run down. And an incredibly bad football team did play there for awhile.

When the team plane landed back in Free after this weekend’s victory, it was met with fireworks, confetti, and plans of a parade. They didn’t win the Super Bowl, or clinch a playoff spot, or even beat a good team. No, they picked on the worst team in the league. But hey, it’s never a bad time to celebrate.

10) Afghan pounder Hijab

Stadium: Tropicana Field 

Reason: Tropicana Field is just a really bad stadium. There really aren’t any redeeming qualities about this stadium and the team is trying their damndest to get out of there. 

Started off the week with the most lopsided trade. Ended the week by losing to the Dubs. Yeah, this is quite the team. At least they have Koo I guess?

This isn't up for discussion.