Preseason Power Rankings For the Year 2022 of Our Lord
It’s that time of year again. America will spend Sundays downing their choice of light beers,
ignoring women (which is what I always do), and getting irrationally angry at men in tight pants.
Most importantly, it’s that time of year where I get to insult my friends under the guise of comedic
power rankings.
Without further ado, the year’s first power ranking. Today’s theme:
WHAT DOG IS IN YOU
Benadryl Shadowmen
Pitbull
Tyreek and pitbulls have a lot in common. They are big, strong, and are known to cause serious
harm to children. Despite that fact, many people like them. Including Ethan who has made a
resounding statement that he is pro-child abuse. Kareem Hunt is slightly better than a pitbull,
because he at least beats up grown men (who aren’t football players so it’s still unfair).
Henry Rugg’s Driving School
Weiner Dog
Weiner dogs fucking eat baby. That is the scientific reason they look like a hot dog. You know who else
eats? I do. Derrick MF Henry. Actually this whole team eats baby. Mark Andrews? Yeah, he eats. And
DK eats breakfast lunch and dinner, even has some dessert. Burrow eats eats baby. Will this team win? Doesn’t matter. But boy will they eat.
Mississippi Sentient Turds
German Shepherd
The turds have earned the Darrian Newell Memorial Award for Having That DAWG in him. Darrian
is still alive, however he is in Germany. May he rest peacefully in Europe. This team was quite the
contender last year, however they have some questions such as: Will they do well without good
wide receivers? Apparently they will, according to the very knowledgeable power rankers.
Slant Boys
French Bulldog
I am nothing if not an honest writer. I had a whole spiel about how French bulldogs fart a lot so
they smell bad, just like Andy. However, I had to rank Andy really fucking low so Slant Boys you
now have this dog inside of you. That’s fine though, because I think if you put the UGA Bulldogs in
the NFL this is around where they would end up. But in all reality, they have JT so they’ve gotta be
good unless he tears his ACL or someone shows up in the tunnel with a golf club and breaks his
patella. But who would do that?
Tinfoil Tu-Anon
Chow Chow
Chow Chows have major knee issues. Luckily this team doesn’t have anything like that to worry
about. Christian McCaffery as the cornerstone of this team is probably the safest choice in the
whole draft. He has no history of injury issues so you can essentially pen him in for 17 healthy games
. Also Aaron Jones won’t even be the starting RB in a few games so that’s a great pick.
Washington Sewer Pipes
Mutt
What is this team gonna be? I haven’t the foggiest of ideas. A new regime has relocated this
franchise from it’s controversial Middle Eastern home and planted it right into the nation’s capital
(insert political joke). This team could be a Great Dane, but maybe it’s my neighbor’s stupid rat dog.
This dog could be made of absolutely anything, and I’m sure there’s a 23 & me for dogs that you could
use to find out for sure. But after the draft, yeah I still have no idea.
Hundred Aker Woods
Pomeranian
Honestly, what the fuck are these? These are just furrier chihuahuas. I could punt them a whole
football field. And this team will get kicked around having Hollywood in the flex. This team isn’t
the free win it was last year, but I’d suck Witz’s dick if this team somehow makes the playoffs. I hope
to god this team makes the playoffs.
Snuck Off My Leash
Akita
Fun fact about Akitas, Helen Keller is the person that first brought them to America. And this general
manager reminded me of Helen Keller tonight. What the fuck was this guy on? I kinda feel bad playing
with Andy, but unfortunately the Special Olympics has no fantasy football so he’s stuck playing with us.
Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom
There are so many chihuahuas in my apartment building. They are so fucking annoying
. I think they’re an invasive species from Mexico or some shit. Anyways they remind me of Phil.
Relying on Barkley as RB2 and Pollard in the flex is pretty iffy. If they work out though, the Moms
will find themselves as champion contenders. Be on the lookout for these guys, and punt the next
chihuahua you see.
Chubb’s Massive Wagon
Pug
God pugs are so fucking ugly. Years and years of “evolution” has absolutely ruined this breed
. Honestly extinction would be the most compassionate thing we could do for these poor creatures. T
his one is dressed as a banana, which would’ve been a much better life than being this disaster of a
four-legged organism. This is surely the bottom rung of reincarnation.
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