VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Imagine not starting a really good wide receiver this week. Okay now open your eyes. If you participate in this league, you probably didn’t have to imagine, because 11 of the top 15 WRs were not in starting lineups this week. This is really uncommon. I’m pretty sure numbers back that up.
Diggs changed this but whatever, he can go fuck himself
1) Slant Boys
Formula 1 Car
The pinnacle of motor racing. This car is the fastest around just about any track. This team put up big numbers despite down weeks from Johnathan Taylor and Travis Kelce, but unfortunately for the rest of the league that won’t be a common occurrence. The rest of the team only overperformed a bit, so their high score isn’t insane. They seem likely to put up F1 constructor points up every week. I’m beginning to think this team just won’t lose (please be a jinx).
2) Tinfoil Tu-Anon
BMW Rally Car
Rally drivers are the craziest motherfuckers in the world, driving like Dallas drivers but also drifting and with pedestrians in the way. The second craziest motherfuckers are the people that stand on the edge of the road at a rally race, why would you do that? I don’t really understand. This team might be the third craziest motherfuckers (behind women probably). Allen, McCaffrey, and Diggs is a nutty trio that will carry this team to the playoffs no matter the supporting cast. This team tossed up some negatives this week to “stunt on them hose” this week. It was disrespectful and degrading, but in an exciting way. Their matchup basically looked like when one of these rally cars sideswipe a spectator.
3) Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom
Formula E Car
An all-electric Formula 1 car kinda sounds sick. It’s likely the future of racing and on paper is great. Unfortunately that idea is way sicker on paper. I mean look at how ugly that car is. It kinda looks like if a small child drew it. This team looked super scary on paper this week. They have a lot of players that got my knees shaking. But yeah they fell pretty flat this week. Many teams wouldn’t be very happy with this week. They might be a tiger on paper, but really just Mittens the Kitten who wears a sweater.
4) Benadryl Shadowmen
Corvette GT3
This car is a certifiable race car. It can turn left. It can turn right. It goes straight faster than I do. Golly is it a race car, and one of the better ones in my amateur iRacing opinion.This team is your run-of-the-mill good fantasy team. They’ve got a solid but not elite quarterback. Running backs, despite a down week, look incredibly solid. WRs look scary good. At the end of the day they are a scary good team, but not someone that’s a world beater. They’ll without a doubt end with a really good record and might even meander their way into a bye. But at the end of the day, the people that will always be most scared of them are nearby children.
5) Hundred Aker Wood
Mazda MX-5
This is a car for grinders. MX-5 races are aggressive, dirty, real in the shit kinda races. They bump, grind, and battle. Scrappy gym rat kinda races. If this was a football team it’d be a defense wins championships kind of team. They’d have an elite defense and fantastic kicker kind of team. They’d be a Hundred Aker Wood kind of team. I believe this team is gonna get 30+ points from their D/ST and kicker because that’s their identity. This team is modeled based off their owner’s personality honestly.
6) Snuck Off My Leash
Nascar
This car goes left, and left, and left, and left. If you need a car to keep going in a rather large circle, then this is your gal (that is Danica Patrick in that car, a women). There are so many things this car can’t do. And there are many things this team can’t do, but luckily this week was an oval week. This team ran a very large oval around Hundred Aker Woods, but next week I expect they’ll have to turn right. I am personally rooting for their downfall.
7) Washington Sewer Pipes
I don’t know what car this is
I don’t think this is a good race car. It looks really small and lopsided, though I heard that’s really normal and the prostitute I paid to hold me said it might even be better. Facts I know about this car: it has four wheels and it drives on dirt. That’s it. Facts I know about this team: . I was totally ready to shit on this team. I look through the lineup and I see so many single digit point totals from the roster, but Jalen Hurts is really good I guess? This team did have a lot of underperformers but still put up a respectable score, so they might be good. But they also got a lot of points from D/ST and kickers which isn’t the most consistent way to put up points. I’m pretty sure Tony Stewart killed a guy in one of these. Maybe not. I don’t know
8) LETS RIDE
Truck
I have so many questions. How does one find themselves to be a truck racer? Do they start as normal truckers then transition to these guys? Are they race car drivers that are so desperate for work that they race these trucks? I can’t decide what’s more likely. I can’t imagine that people actually strive to be a truck racer from the get-go. This also seems pretty unsafe, so I’m a little confused as to how this is allowed. I wonder if the spectators sit really far away from the track, because these trucks don’t stop very quickly. I’ll admit that I’ve watched more crashes from this series than I ought to. But in my defense, it’s like watching a more exciting car accident on the highway, but more exciting.
9) MS Sentient Turd
Go Karts
If someone told me I get to drive a race car and they pull this shit outta the garage, boy am I gonna be sad.
10) Henry Ruggs’ Driving School
Cozy Coupe by Little Tikes
Is this a race car? By many definitions, no1. Is this team a fantasy football team? No, this is a fucking nightmare team. I’d prefer to watch my sleep paralysis demon slowly kill me than watch another week of this slapdick team. Let’s at least try to find a bright side, because why not. While yeah the WRs look pretty weak, and yeah the RBs have been disappointing, and okay Joe Burrows has less time in the pocket than I last in bed, but hey… streaming kickers has gone well.
Fuck
The team’s fans don’t drive home blasted in honor of the team’s namesake, Sir Henry Ruggs. It’s because this team can only be watched while blackout drunk. Liquor stores are closed on Sundays not for the Lord’s day, but to protect Derek and the fans from themselves. This team’s only chance of winning is if there is a merciful God, but if you ask Dane Johnson he’d tell you that’s not the case. If the Pittsburgh Pirates were a fantasy football team they’d make these guys look like a poverty franchise. God I’m disgusted, ashamed, and terrified at what my future holds if I’m this fucking stupid. At least Darrian’s struggles were chaotic and exciting, this descent from 1 seed last year to the dredges of the league has been a boring, apathetic journey.
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