2022 Draft Grades through Week 6

You know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. But they also say Phil is always right and has never been wrong about anything. So we’re gonna run with that and try to do draft grades for every team in the League through 6 weeks. Will these takes age poorly? Probably. Will personal biases and hurt feelings affect what I think of players and teams? You bet.

Oh and also I’m going to assign a Kanye controversy to each team with no explanation provided. Consider it my soft application for taking over the power rankings if Andyman keeps slacking.

DISCLAIMER: I didn’t really thoroughly look through every roster I sorta just picked the first two guys that fit but again im never wrong so my word is law fuck you

Washington Sewer Pipes

Kanye Controversy: BILL COSBY INNOCENT !!!!!!!!!

Best Draft Pick: Davante Adams: turns out Adams was the secret sauce to the Aaron Rodgers drink. I guess while Rodgers was off avoiding vaccines and instead putting safe things like PCP or whatever in his body, Adams was keeping his head down and chugging Mountain Dew cuz man this guy is a gamer. Davante has about the highest floor a pass-catcher not named Travis Kelce can have, and he loves his grandma so that’s cool.

Worst Draft Pick: DeVonta Smith: I think Steven made this pick because his heart was so set on AJ Brown. DeVonta was an ok rebound but he’s such a boom or bust player for a team that aims for consistency most weeks. This dude makes you have to consider playing Brandon Aiyuk which is never a good spot to be in. Honorable mention to Keenan Allen but I figure if i waste too much breath on him he might tweak his hammy again.

Tinfoil Tu-Anon

Kanye Controversy: MAGA Hat era Kanye

Best Draft Pick: Justin Tucker. Justin Tucker is the Travis Kelce of Kickers. If someone told you they were gonna draft JT #1 overall at the start of next season, you’d say hell yeah, assuming they were talking about this son of a bitch and not that sorry Colts RB. Tucker might be the best player in the NFL right now.

Worst Draft Pick: Christian McCaffrey: As far as round 1 RBs go this was a solid pick, however a real fantasy football whiz would have known that the Panthers would be so bad that CMC is going to get traded to a really good team like Buffalo where his value will drop because everyone else on the team is so good. You gotta think of these things Mike, L + bozo + ratio + you stinky.

Slant Boys

Kanye Controversy: #2020 Vision

Best Draft Pick: Christian Kirk. No longer on Sully’s team, but what a move to snag the guy everyone was clowning on for signing a way overpriced contract this offseason. Dude seems to be money with TLaw, and Sully might have even cashed out on his value at the right time.

Worst Draft Pick: JK Dobbins. Wanted to say JT but no one could have seen that one coming. What I did see coming is that Dobbins isn’t even the best runner on his own team, so drafting him in the fourth was a stretch. Sully would have been better off drafting the Raven’s true #1 RB Lamar, because while Herbo is clearly a solid fantasy play and a great actual QB, Lamar is going to outscore him and Sully is going to owe Phil ten dollars. Sad.

Benadryl Shadowmen

Kanye Controversy: Death Con 3 On JEWISH PEOPLE

Best Draft Pick: Tyreek Hill. While everyone was clowning on Tua’s arm, we all forgot about the age-old adage: “Fuck it, Tyreek down there somewhere.” Turns out even when you got a noodle arm and can’t throw a spiral and your coach literally wants you to die, you just gotta yeet the ball and Tyreek is so fucking fast he’ll get to it. Good pick.

Worst Draft Pick: Tom Brady / Matt Stafford. You get to go through hell every week deciding between a Florida man who is divorcing his hot rich supermodel wife and a gamecalling-dependent washed-up racist. They both suck, by the way. “Hmm I wonder this week if I feel more like kissing my son on the lips or telling people I have a black friend” is probably what Ethan thinks to himself when picking his QB every week. You should trade for Kirk Cousins I hear the guy who has him doesn’t even need him. 

Snuck Off My Leash

Kanye Controversy: Calling my fellow cum doners

Best Draft Pick: Breece Hall. I hate saying nice things about Andy but this was a great pick-up, clearly Breece was inspired in the offseason by TA22’s workout regimen and attention to detail and general good vibes, and he decided to become a consistent RB1 on a still dog-shit team. I mean to put up consistent points every week in an offense run by MILF-magnet Zach Wilson is straight up the work of a god.

Worst Draft Pick: Deebo. Truly a giga-brain move to pick a guy who made his mark last year by being a dual threat and then spent the offseason telling everyone he didn’t want to run anymore. He’s still putting up solid points but not first round pick levels of scoring, and I think by the end of the season some guys that went after him like JJ, Jamarr, Davante, even Kelce/Mandrews will look like better options. Unless one of those injuries Andy keeps manifesting finally comes through.

Hundred Aker Wood

Kanye Controversy: “I LOST MY QUEEN TOO”

Best Draft Pick: Hollywood Brown. Guess this asshole decided to stop dropping the ball all the time. He forms a pretty formidable stack on Witz’s lineup, possibly the best QB/WR stack in the League outside of Allen and Diggs. Particularly impressive that his scoring isn’t even TD-dependent, which means he’s had ample opportunities to catch the football and decided to actually do just that.

Worst Draft Pick: AJ Dillon. The second option at RB on a pass-heavy team that sucks, it’s hard to say we all should’ve known that Green Bay would cave this year but many were predicting it and it came true. Aaron Rodgers, a man stupid enough to publicly defend himself on the Pat McAfee show every time he comes under fire, might just be a man stupid enough to defer to an older, slower RB all the tim because he is also named Aaron. That’s my theory anyway. AJ Dillon is still a solid player but I just don’t see the situation improving for him in Green Bay.

MS Sentient Turd

Kanye Controversy: “Slavery was a choice”

Best Draft Pick: Leornard Fournette. The only consistent on a really confusing, inconsistent Bucs team, Lenny is still #thatguy. Everyone said he came into camp fat this year, they called him fat boy, it was really mean. But the dude produces, and he’s been rewarding the Turd for trusting him enough to take him in the 2nd round of the draft. Watch out for this team’s RB duo if both can stay healthy the rest of the season, they could be scary.

Worst Draft Pick: Dawson Knox. A lot of Knox’s production last year was TD-dependent, and while that can be sustainable for a select few TEs, that doesn’t seem to be the case for this respectable gentleman who I would definitely let date my daughter. I would also let Matt Q, proud owner and GM of the Turd, date my daughter. If anyone wanted to know. I’m just impressed with the man after how well he handled that white hood Halloween costume controversy last season.

Jaylen Waddle Fan Club

Kanye Controversy: George Bush Doesn’t Care about Black People

Best Draft Pick: Jaylen Waddle. Brian might have gotten out from under Waddle at the right time, as the jury’s still out on how the Dolphins offense will rebound when Tua and whatever’s left of his fine motor control return to the field in the coming weeks. However, with the full offense functioning, Waddle looked like a top 10 WR every week, with a top 5 TB celebration (although second on his own team, to Gisecki’s griddy).

Worst Draft Pick: Russell Wilson. This was a bad pick (although a lot of us would’ve drafted Russ around here if given the chance), but even worse was the sunk-cost decision-making that Brian engaged in the last 5 weeks. It became clear early on in the season that the only thing Russ was gonna manage to cook was some ramen and even then he was gonna do it wrong, and make in the microwave like a lazy little bitch instead of on the stove like a man. Brian finally cut this sack of shit this past week, but not before I had to sit through a 4 hour, 20 point TOTAL game at Mile High during Week 5, where I spent the entirety of four hours thinking about how Brian STILL had Russ on his roster. 

Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom

Kanye Controversy: Imma let you finish, but…

Best Draft Pick: Saquon Barkley. Clearly the owner of this fantasy team is some kind of genius. The Giants are nasty this year, which no one knew would happen, but I have inside knowledge that the GM of this team told himself as he picked Saquon “this guy is gonna be the focal point of an OK offense until he breaks his ankle again.” So far that first part is true and then some, and when Saquon does inevitably get hurt, at least I can tell myself I called it as I cry myself to sleep. Honorable mention to absolute chad James Robinson, who recovered from an ACL tear and earned his coach’s trust back. So clearly that isn’t hard to do. I hope whatever other #1 RB who recovered from an ACL tear this year is doing as well as you are.

Worst Draft Pick: Najee Harris. Fuck you Mitch Trubisky, I hope they drag concussed Kenny Pickett out there Tua-style next week to lead the Steeler’s offense because KP with a few chromosomes missing is still better than you.

Henry Ruggs Driving School

Kanye Controversy: West family Halloween costumes (he’s in the dinosaur costume i swear)

Best Draft Pick: Derrick Henry. King Henry is once again the reliable feature back of a run-first offense that is at least in contention most weeks because King Henry is so good. As RBs go from decent to good in the coming winter months, Derrick Henry should go from good to great, just as he always does. Henry is a fantasy king-maker, and any team with him on their roster should rest easy locking in their RB1 every week. Derek’s team is so lucky to have King Henry.

Worst Draft Pick: Cam Akers / Darrell Henderson Jr. Send tweet.