Week 4 Power Rankings: A Relaxing Day at the Zoo
Here at the Weenie Hut Jr. Post-Gazette Times we listen to our readers. We often just ignore them, however this week my editors are on my ass about taking feedback for once. I heard y’all like stats and tables, so here you guys go:
Numbers.
WEEK 4 POWER RANKINGS: THINGS AT THE ZOO THAT AREN’T ZOO ANIMALS
1) Slant Boys
The Train
CHOO CHOO! Summer days at the zoo are incomplete without a ride on the train. This zoo classic takes you from one part of the park to the other. Just like this summer-time staple, the Boys are chugging along beautifully. They’re keeping on schedule with their 4th win out of four. The players are just smiling and waving at their opponents who wait at the train crossing while the Boys just chug along to more touchdowns.
2) Washington Sewer Pipes
Dippin’ Dots
Dippin’ Dots are the ice cream of both the future and the past. Summer days walking around the zoo were hot, and they required some cooling down. Ice cream stored at -40 degrees is the perfect cure for the sweltering humidity of St. Louis. But the Sewer Pipes don’t need Dippin’ Dots to stay cold, because they’ve got ice in their veins. They knocked off a solid team by putting up the most points this season (editor check this before publishing I would hate to look bad) en route to a convincing win. You can pencil them in as a top seed in next week’s power rankings as they have a bye week, provided they don’t get brain freeze.
3) Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom
Terry
The zoo is nothing without its employees and the employees are nothing without Trusty Terry. This young man holds down the fort at the gift shop and stroller rentals with a cheery smile and a handful of the dorkiest jokes ever invented. This team took a quick retirement just like the young man Terry. Many experts believe this team just had a quick blip, but fret not as this team should right themselves quicker than Terry will ring you up at the register.
PS Fuck Steven for taking the #2 spot in the power rankings, now I have to rate my own father below really cold ball ice cream because he hasn’t met Terry and therefore won’t appreciate the honor enough
4) Jaylen Waddle Fan Club
The Mary Ann Lee Conservation Carousel
The merry go round starts out pretty neat. The horses are cool, the inside is pretty nifty, and the actual ride part is quite relaxing. You look out at those watching and you see so many happy faces, people waving with the biggest smiles. It’s nice. But then it keeps going. The horse moves up and down and all the way around, then it does it again. And again. Everything becomes so familiar. The horses around you stay the same, the people on the ride next to you are the same. Nothing changes around you. You look out to the people watching and at first nothing changes there. But upon closer inspection that’s not the case. Some new faces appear, a few are gone the next time around the ride. But what does that matter? For they are but observers of your journey, and their presence has no meaning. Does it end? You just sit back and accept your new reality. This is life. The march of the merry go round never ends. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can start enjoying the ride.
5) Tinfoil Tu-Anon
The Zoo Map
Nothing beats a family coming to blows over their poor navigational skills while looking at a very readable and easy to understand map. I have many fond memories of yelling at my sisters for the illiteracy and pulling the Boy Scout card so that I could draw up the routes. Despite the large labels and many signs throughout the zoo, we’d get lost at least once a trip. And this week the Tu-Anon needed a trusty map. This team looked lost and scared on the field, led by Scary Terry who must’ve gotten lost on his way to the field.
6) Benadryl Shadowmen
The Other Birds
When I go to the zoo I don’t wanna see these assholes. They’re everywhere else so I don’t need to see you there. Honestly just fuck off, do you see those flamingos over there? Yeah they’re way cooler than your sorry ass. This team has been looking like the stupid normal birds for most this season, but this week we saw a glimpse of the inner toucan that this team might be. But the power ranking voters weren’t convinced, and they appear to see more generic bird in this team’s future.
7) Hundred Aker Wood
Large Robot Dinosaur
Dinosaurs aren’t even real why do they have them at the zoo? I also don’t see proper protection for visitors from these guys. Seriously what the fuck? They don’t play one of their RBs, the other one isn’t any good, and their defense had a terrible week. But they win? Yeah right, I bet the people of Jewish descent put their bones in the ground to trick everybody into thinking they exist for reasons that are extremely obvious, but I’m not gonna tell you. Oh sorry, I mean yeah right, what team would allow them to easily steam roll them like that. That’s right, Henry Ruggs Driving School. Dumbasses. Anyways, this team has announced they’re breaking ground on their newest state of the art facility, a large alarm clock.
8) Henry Ruggs’ Driving School
Fat People in Scooters
These people just roll on by taking up the entire fucking walking path. Now I’m no expert, but I bet if they just walked instead of sat on their fucking asses they’d be a little less fat. Speaking of not being an expert, general manager Derek Rechtien has found himself on the hot seat this season. After armchair experts deemed his trade genius, we now see why they’re armchair experts. This team is slowly scooting towards the edge of the cliff, slowly threatening to drop to the lowest depths imaginable. Holding onto belief in this team requires effort and dedication, but as each week passes that becomes more difficult. More and more the thought of giving in to the motorized hum of the three wheels and little front basket of the scooter sounds better. Maybe those that gave up on their health so that they may relax have it right. They get to see the sights of the zoo just as much as I, the bumbling fool on his feet, do.
9) Snuck Off My Leash
Child Leashes
This GM needs someone to put him back on his leash. Luck can only take this team so far when Andy decides to pull the fantasy football equivalent of letting his child into Harambe’s pen. Two gorillas by the names of Tinfoil Tu-Anon and Jalen Waddle Fan Club were shot because of the incompentence of one “man” (yeah the other teams would’ve won without those points but that’s because of the morale boost). The leading theory as to how this could’ve happened is that Andy’s mom attached him to one end of one of these leashes, and the other to a ceiling fan. His poor brain never had a chance.
10) MS Sentient Turds
Field Trips (but you’re not on it it’s just happening)
If I ever go to prison it will likely be because I started fighting school children while they’re on a zoo field trip. I just want to look at the fucking giraffes but these kids just move in front of everybody and are really loud. God they suck. Field trips are almost as discombobulated as this disaster of a franchise. These minor leaguers have to rely on gimmicks and the sexual aura of Deion Sanders to consistently fill seats for home games. I hereby award this GM the Darrian Newell Achievement Award for the first 28% of the season. I know that might be considered a low blow, but until this team can muster a win it’s only the right thing to do.
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