Oh Santa, Have I been naughty?? ;)

 As you know my vape has been unjustly ripped out of my possession by my really mean mom. It’s totally unfair and I hate it here. It’s stupid. It’s not fair. My mom is a total b word. But that can’t stop me as I’ve found an alternative. That’s right I’m snorting lines of dust now. That is not slang, my basement is really dusty so I’m just picking some up with my finger and inhaling it to inspire me to right this. The vibes aren’t right for the power rankings, so I’m doing something a little different.

THE LEAGUE’S CHRISTMAS LIST

(note these are in no particular order, just as I think of them)

HENRY RUGGS DRIVING SCHOOL

Remove Mike from the league

I have gone 0-4 in our last 4 matchups. That includes knocking me out of the playoffs last year when I was the 1 seed and this year as the 3 seed. My kryptonite, besides goth women spitting on me, is somehow Mike and it makes me incredibly mad. 

HUNDRED AKER WOODS

Get replaced by Darrian immediately

I’m not gonna say the Witz has the worst team and that he’s probably gonna be eating some incredibly hot chicken but… His best chances to avoid that fate is to just get replaced by someone else and make them suffer that fate. Just to think a couple weeks ago we all thought he was gonna get his dick sucked instead.

WASHINGTON SEWER PIPES

Avoid jamesdroz

Steven should have a cake walk to the championship. His team is by far the best and there is nothing to worry about. But in the distance a faint WHAT HAPPENNNNNEEEEDDDDUUH can be heard slowly creeping up. Luckily this week it’d probably take something crazy like Brian’s TE and defense having stellar weeks against the elite Jets offense led by Zach Wilson. Luckily that won’t happen (EDITOR check that game before publishing this).

JAYLEN WADDLE FAN CLUB

Literacy

Brian doesn’t read these and I’m assuming the only reason someone wouldn’t is because they can’t read.

ZACH WILSON’S BUDDY’S MOM

<there’s a joke here but I can’t figure out the wording>

This guy has spent the whole year with a totally inaccurate name. Zach Wilson has not (at least publicly) banged his friend’s mom. He banged his mom’s friend. Those are incredibly different situations and I feel like this should’ve been corrected weeks ago. I don’t know if the joke is that Phil should hope that Zach Wilson bangs his friend’s mom before the end of the season, or if he too should learn to read.

SLANT BOYS

Phil losing

This could probably be added to everybody else’s as well, however Sully is one of those who will be most affected. Phil has been voted by many national pundits to be the one who would bring up winning the championship the most if he ever wins. As a roommate of his, Sully will have to hear about this the most. I suppose he may be spared a bit as he was the only other one in that house to make the playoffs.

RUN CMC

Justin Tucker Opera CD

This one has nothing to do with fantasy football, I think he’d just really like it. No I don’t know if this is even real or not.

SNUCK OFF MY LEASH

Covid

Andy is also very likely to be devouring some hot wings in due time. Witz may receive some kindness from his fellow leaguemates (keyword is some), but Andy likely does not have the luxury. Losing his taste may be his safest option to make it through the 9 wings from hell.

BENADRYL SHADOWMEN

More quarterbacks

If we’re counting Taysom Hill, Ethan currently has 4 on his roster. That’s exceptionally low and honestly kinda concerning. He needs a couple more just to be safe.

MS SENTIENT TURD

This season to end

Boy was this a rough one. This team was unlucky when good, and bad quite a bit. He needs a win this week to just be able to move on. With how this season has gone so far though, that’s probably not gonna happen.