Weenie Hut Jr.

  Ha, you really thought I’d make a joke about not Brian not reading my power rankings in the very first sentence after that title. Maybe even the second sentence too. Well guess what, these power rankings aren’t about him. Too many good things have happened to you guys this past week, but not to me. So I have to bring you guys down a notch by talking about sad things. Worst Tragedies of the 21st Century 1 Justin Jefferson’s ACL Emma ghosting me What did I do wrong? Why did she stop talking to me? She wasn’t even that cute but still what the fuck!? I have so many reasons to cry myself to sleep and this is just another reason. Anyways this is by far the biggest tragedy of the 21st century, can’t image anything being worse. Speaking of big tragedies, Andy is still rolling. fuck 2 MS Sentient Turds 9/11 Oh yeah. You may think how is this only the second worst tragedy? George W Bush may have faked it or something like that, I have trouble following that conspiracy. Emma 100% stopped...

  Did you know that last week was suicide prevention week? They told us a lot at work probably because working a 9 to 5 is one of the most depressing existences. It sucks. That’s why I write whimsical fantasy football articles, just because I want to feel something. Of course this is legally a joke, I am perfectly mentally healthy. Anyways I am preventing you guys from killing yourselves by telling you exactly why you shouldn’t take a lovely toaster bath. Reasons why you shouldn’t kill yourself I think 1 Andy - Has a guaranteed fantasy football championship Ugh. I can’t believe we let Andy have the best team. He had a couple injuries this week, yet managed to be the highest scoring team in the league.  2 Q -  You’ve already done the hard part of living in Mississippi, might as well stick around now Honestly the only thing keeping these Turds from earning a bye is that they are the unluckiest team in all of history. They are the Atlanta Falcons of our league. They are the ...

  I never overreact. I’m not the kind of guy who would threaten to hang themselves over minor inconveniences. I don’t threaten to hurt my friends if they say something I don’t like. I don’t trade Derrick Henry after week 2 because he’s “old”. I only have reasonable, knowledgeable takes. So that’s why I will share a very reasonable take for every team, because I know ball. Obviously. DISCLAIMER: These are not the standings. If that’s all you want look at the standings. Don’t complain if your team is 3rd in the standings but, I dunno, 4th here. I’m ranking these teams based off a subjective mixture of past and projected future performance. Ridley’s Sl0t Scrapers Reasonable Take: Will be the most dominant team we’ve ever seen 0% chance this team doesn’t win the championship. The only weakness about this team is that it can only win 1 game per week. Sorry Steven but you’re gonna lose next week, unless Mike benches his entire squad. Guys we are talking 50 shades of grey in the bedroom l...

Welcome to the 2023 Fantasy Football season you sickos. Thanks for playing and go fuck yourselves. Here’s my ranking of how we drafted every skill position group (QB, RB, WR, TE). As always, not up for discussion. Running Back: Mike Derek Sully Steven Q Andy Brian Phil Ethan Darrian Mike’s combo of Saquon and Ekeler is fucking broken, he might even survive a Saquon injury (especially with a sneaky good grab of Jalen Warren for when that bum Najee loses his job). Myself and I find ourselves near the bottom with our 0 RB strategies, which is expected, and Ethan is ranked low as well due to the risk of a THIN RB room outside of Bijan, who is not a sure thing himself. Derek probably has the best depth at this position, and Q and Sully deserve respect for having a couple of the potential RB1 so who even cares about depth. Steven’s RB room has sneaky potential as well. Wide Receiver: Phil Brian Andy Mike Darrian Q Ethan Sully Steven Derek Maybe a bit of copium putting myself at #1 (because i...

  I heard women like car guys. Well guess what, I have driven some cars before. Actually after doing some soul searching I’ve actually driven 10. I think that means I’ve successfully filled out a punch card or something and now a woman has to be nice to me. Which is a major improvement compared to how they usually treat me. Usually they just say ew. But it’s okay the last one said ew in a less mean manner then usual so I’m flying high right now. Please help me I’m so lonely. 1)  Darrian Honda Accord circa 2009 This car had the coolest dashboard I have ever seen. It looked vaporwave somehow, even though it was owned by an old grandmother. It’s a Honda so even though it was old and had 180,000 miles, it handled like a beauty and was sick as shit. It was that old person “gold” and boy was I pissed when my sister was the one that got to drive it. And that’s why it’s fitting that Darrian of all people is in this pick. That’s right you wouldn’t expect either of these picks #1 but he...