if you like to talk to bananas if a squash can make you smile if you like to waltz with potatoes up and down to produce aisle... then i have the article for you

 

I fucking hate HBO or HBO Max or MAX or whatever the fuck it’s called nowadays. I like to put on a nice

 little background show while writing these articles because I’m a stereotypical iPad kid because we live in a

 society, and today it just isn’t working. Ya boy just wanted to see what this whole Veep thing was about (shoutout

 Witz) and wouldn’t you know it, doesn’t work. Bullshit. But I won this week so still it’s a good week until 

Thursday at least.

Thanks to the 38 year old that ghosted me on Tinder after two messages, today’s theme is celebrities dating 

women much older than them.

1 Slant Boys

Ryan Gosling

I am so him. Or at least I wish I was. Well I suppose it depends on which Ryan Gosling we’re talking about and

 by that I mean which character because I struggle to separate actors from the characters they play. Actually I 

want to be every version of Ryan Gosling. Especially the one that dated Sandra Bullock for awhile, that’d be

 pretty neat. Who cares about the 16 year age gap, she was still really hot. And speaking of people we all wanna

 be, the Slant Boys are absolutely rolling people staying undefeated. Injuries to Kupp and Pacheco have

 done nothing to slow this team down and just means there’s another gear come playoffs. It’s like I’m talking 

to a pretty girl the way I’ve got butterflies just writing about this team. At least that’s what I’ve heard, I haven’t 

done that before because I’m too scared.

2 Addison AssEaters 

Ben Affleck

If I were famous, a lot more attractive, and from Boston I think the celebrity I’d be most like is Ben Affleck. 

My reasoning is that he often looks really sad in every picture taken of him, and the two most famous people he’s

 dated are Latinas. That includes J-Lo (if you don’t know who she is look her up because she is a very important 

person to this week’s rankings). Ben Affleck is probably one of 3 Bostonians I can stand if we’re counting

 Q and Katie. The city of Addison spent all weekend using Oktoberfest as an excuse to drink excessively, and

 luckily for them they get to claim it was celebratory. Not only did they pull out a win this week, but 1st round pick

 Ja’Marr “I Never Doubted Him” Chase finally showed up. That elevates them to wagon status, Kelce finally

 taking off the invisible man costume would send them to see a doctor about my boner status.

3 Jesus Died For Your Zyns

Nick Jonas

Nick Jonas not only finds himself to be the most successful of the brothers in the music industry, but also in the

 Weenie Hut Jr Gazette Times New Roman power rankings as Kevin and Joe have yet to make an appearance. 

When asked about this accomplishment, he ignored my insta DM. Nick also finds himself married to actress 

Priyanka Chopra who is 10 years his senior. While some may accuse him of trying to access AARP member

 benefits 10 years sooner, I would argue he did it because she is really attractive. But who knows. What we do 

know is that Andy is cooking with gasoline this year. This team is a serious threat right now, and that’s with

 missing Deebo and McCaffery in addition to Andrews forgetting he survived that car accident. Since morality

 is not a category for points in fantasy, Rashee Rice is looking like the early frontrunner for steal of the draft.

4 Cee Deez Nuts

Cole Tucker

Cole Tucker has a lifetime -2.6 WAR including -.5 this year on the Angels. While I’m not very good at math (I 

only got a minor in it after all), I can say with relative confidence that his playing career has not been a very 

good one. However, he did what young Derek dreamt often about. This guy managed to marry and have kids

 with an 8 year older Vanessa Hudgens. God I wish I played Troy in High School Musical. I would like to point 

out his career OPS+ after they started dating is lower than it was before, but I can’t blame him. Like the High 

School Musical franchise, this team has a good start to it with some great top end talent, but once you get to the

 second wave of players hope dwindles a bit. It’s really a list of players that should probably be better than they

 are, so there’s a chance this team breaks out and shoots up in the order. But we’ll see, this team may end up like 

Justin Herbert’s career.

5 Washington Sewer Pipes

Dwyane Wade

Dwyane Wade is quite a bit younger than his wife. That’s all I know about her but I like Dwayne Wade and by 

all accounts he seems like a nice dude so that’s why he finds himself relatively high on this list. Oh and being a 

Hall of Fame basketball player also helps his resume quite a bit. And his wife is an actress in a bunch of 

movies that I think I’ve heard of but never seen. The Pipes have taken the Miami Heat strategy of building

 around a core of three guys with Hurts, Mixon, and Jefferson with Brian Robinson Jr. playing the Ray Allen 

role to some mild success. Fantasy football rosters are bigger than the starting 5 in basketball so this does lead to 

some holes on this team, but the core group likely will be enough to still make a playoff run. 

6 McConkey Want Boing Boing

Gerard Pique

This Gerard guy is apparently a soccer player. I don’t really know who he is but I feel like Mike might so here you

 go buddy. What I do know about him as of googling “celbebreitis that have dated older women” is that he was

 married to Shakira, which would impress everybody except for a man named RCG. And while her hips don’t

 lie, apparently he does as they broke up in explosive fashion that included her writing a diss track about it. That

 might’ve been the most Buzzfeed sentence I’ve ever written and I’m worse off for it. I have never seen a roster

 scream donkey brain as much as this one does. There’s some talent here but only a couple that light up as must

 starts. I would’ve put DK Metcalf in that category but shockingly that’s not a universal take. If this team somehow

 manages to start the right people they’ll be fine.

7 No Chubb

Justin Timberlake

I heard through the grapevine (a vision that came to me while asleep) that Justin Timberlake heard about my 

celebrity DUI power rankings last year and was disappointed he missed the cut. So he did what any rational man 

would do. He got a DUI in a really fun way. I have totally forgotten everything about the relationship he was in 

that got him this spot in the rankings which may ruin the world tour. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Similar 

to all logos nowadays, this team name has a double meaning. On one hand it refers to the injured Nick Chubb, but 

on the other it refers to how flaccid this team is this year. However it’s a solid rebuilding year with some great

 young talent. This is a dynasty league now right?

8 New England Harbor Turds

My Friend Sam

I was really grasping for straws man. That’s not even a picture of him, I just googled guys named sam. His wife is

 like 4 months older than him. Anyways I wish Q were still here to see this gutsy win by the team endearingly 

nicknamed the Shitstains by some. This team really fought hard through some ups and downs to honor their fallen

 owner. It was a win that many in New England found bittersweet and many cried at the moment of silence held

 while a slideshow of Q taking aggressive dumps played on the big screen. We only hope someone finds his

 missing nut.

9 Youngway Kooter (idk why they’re still called this)

Casper Smart

I’ll be honest if you knew who this was before these power rankings I will have a little less respect for you. 

This guy is known for 2 things 1) being a background dancer for J-Lo and 2) being J-Lo’s boytoy when she was

 getting over Marc Antony. I want to be clear, I do think very highly of this guy. I would very much do the same

 if I were in his shoes. Darrian’s team has somehow won all 3 of its games and it’s kinda a travesty. This team will 

make the playoffs. This team started Brenton Strange and Alexander Mattison this week. They both did well 

which is the scary part. I know I should rank an undefeated team way higher than this but I just can’t.

10 Cuffing Season

A-Rod

What’s more pathetic, A-Rod’s broadcasting abilities or this past week for Cuffing Season? It’s a toss up honestly.

 What’s not pathetic is that A-Rod dated J-Lo. I haven’t used this many hyphens in my life. I fucking hate A-Rod. 

This team should be ashamed of itself, I’m not even saying that because they let Darrian win. I’m saying that

 because they fucking suck. When Brian wins the championship again he’ll be like ha remember when you 

ranked me last but I don’t care. That was a dogshit week. If I put up 50 I will not do the same to my team 

because I write these rankings so I get to make those decisions.