my coworker has a sign on his desk that says the best part of my job is that my chair spins but he's not even a boomer

 My spotify icon on my laptop desktop is a shortcut to the installer not the app which is bullshit and I'm listening to sad bluesgrass while watching sports most heartbreaking moments on my tv. Let's get this fucking bread.

1 Cee Deez Nuts

Joey Chestnut

Joey Chestnut needs to introduction. This man should be not only in the food eating hall of fame, but also the baseball hall of fame because we all know hot dogs are a vital part to the game. He's chowed down more weiner than all of y'all's moms combined. And speaking of Nuts these fellas are peaking harder than Dennis Reynolds. And wait, this just in, McCaffery is projected back this week. That is breaking news. I broke that. No one else has mentioned it yet.

2 Addison AssEaters

Paul McBeth

6 time world champ. Greatest season of all time. First professional disc golf millionare. Owns a McClaren. Married the only attractive disc golfer at the time. What can't this guy dude (besides dominate a sport people have heard of)? The AssEaters have been going McBeast mode recently. Only once this season have they scored below 100 points. Three game win streak. First in the standings. They have a ceiling as high as they come but haven't quite been hitting the highest marks recently. They're DANGER DANGER DANGER.

3 Washington Sewer Pipes

Kane Waselenchuk

Oh you thought I couldn't get more obscure than disc golf. Well here's the racquetball legend Kane Waselenchuk. Did I spell his name right? Maybe. Can I pronounce it? Well I can sound it out. Worked well enough when I tried to say the word khaki. Stupid ass word. This team has it all. Depth. Star Power. The best kicker who is scoring roughly at the same rate as Justin Jefferson. Only Weakness? They love facing the best team every single week. Just like the word khaki, stupid.

 

4 Slant Boys

Kevin Martin

 

You thought I couldn't name a more obscure sport than racquetball? Well I can't. The depth of my sports knowledge was a helluva lot more shallower than I thought. I looked the rest of these up. But curling is fucking sick. I wanna join a curling league. Maybe I've been harsh on the Boys recently. They've been quietly cooking in the kitchen, simmering like a well put together chili. I still don't think they've got the high end talent of the top 3 but I think it's fair to say they're ahead of the mushy middle. But not by too too much. By like a little. But not a smidge.

 

5 Big Man Blastoise

Stefan Everts

 

 At this point I'm really just ranking the sports these athletes come from. I don't know anything about any of these guys other than I found a random list that had these guys. And motocross is pretty badass. It is also the sport that I am overconfident in my ability to pick it up and do really well with no prior experience or evidence that this is the case. Remember when we were doing the math trying to determine if this team was already eliminated? And then decided they essentially had to win out? Well they decided to win out. They aren't in a playoff spot yet but that may just be a matter of time at this point. And they're blasting opponents in the process.

6 Youngway Kooter

Bonnie Blair

Token woman. Speedskating is super sick. Yeah this is kinda just Nascar on ice, but they are wearing giant knives. I now regret not going Apollo Ohno. These guys are the anti-Slant Boys. I feel like I've been glazing these guys but I had a dream the other night that set me straight. I do think they're mushy mushy middle guys with a record that will let them ease their way into the playoffs. They've got some wild voodoo magic that frightens me but if I don't have to play them I think their opponents will do fine.

7 New England Harbor Turds

Marit Bjoergon

I do enjoy skiing, however it is something that I know I'm very much capable of. So are the rest of y'all. Therefore Mr. Norwegian Name gets knocked quite a bit for it. I feel like my opinion of this team has not at all changed. Their luck is all over the place. They'll win some they'll lose some. If Pacheco comes back and makes Hunt irrelevant this team may plummet harder than the Challenger.

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the token female thing before I looked up the pic for Marit and will not revise it

8 Jesus Died For Your Zyns

Phil Taylor

Does darts rate highly on this list? No. Does my writing rely on asking myself questions? yes. But Phil Taylor is #1 on people on this list I'd have a beer with. I don't know anything about him but darts players seem super chill. Oh how the mighty fall. I think I ranked these guys first not all that long ago. I do not know that for certain and refuse to look it up. Luckily they're getting a super hyped up RB taken highly in the draft back this week. Of course I'm talking about Pacheco.

9 Tuacide Squad

Ma Long

Bro even I can play ping pong. Yeah he might be able to beat me but like it's ping pong. Oh sorry I mean table tennis. Whatever grow up. Any team that heavily relies on a Patriots player is very much docked because that's mega stinky. This team has a couple players that make you think they can turn it around. But that relies on them actually doing it. Not just talking about hypotheticals. Ha just thought Ma Long Schlong

10 Begging For Mercy

Magnus Carlsen

Chess is for fucking nerds. Which reminds me how the hell are we not way more into chess? Kinda fits us pretty well. Also isn't this the guy that uses a vibrator to win? No idea, not gonna look it up. This team sucks