if yall didn't know i hate apache camel

 

This may be a controversial list and I understand why you may feel that way. However while doing research 

for this list, I came across quite possibly my favorite list of worst inventions. The top four are as such: Segway, 

New Coke, Clippy, Agent Orange. You can’t make this shit up. Agent Orange at #4? And this isn’t some random

 blogger or even buzzfeed. This is from TIME Magazine. I almost quit writing this article for the second time

 this week (my first theme was WAY too suicidal) after seeing that, I genuinely can’t top that.

Theme: Worst invenetions ever with their inventor

1 Chubb, Chuba, n Chubby

James Strachan - Apache Camel

Have you ever wondered if the people that come up with such awful inventions know about the despair and 

destruction they will cause when they create it? Or see what horrors they’ve committed and feel regret? I’m 

sure James doesn’t care. Why would he? He’s gotta be a sadist. He has made my life miserable. Terrible. 

Horrendous. And what is he doing right now? Probably laughing in a golden castle. Knowing the horrors he’s

 created.

I almost dropped this team lower because I don’t enjoy trying to remember their name when creating these 

rankings. It’s quite annoying. But when I pull up this roster, I see no holes. I see a complete team. Great 

quarterback, elite running backs, fantastic receivers, great kicker. Don’t know what else to say. No other 

team can say the same

2 New England Harbor Turds

The 8 Founders of the Apache Foundation

What’s almost as bad as committing atrocities? Enabling them. That’s right, these eight who don’t even

 DESERVE to be named, enabled our number one inventor/invention to occur. It’s like a group of people 

watch one guy slaughter an innocent person and do nothing, Except much, much worse.

Honestly picking the second best team was incredibly difficult. I find that at this point in the season, only 

one team has separated themselves from the rest of the field. You could make an argument for really anybody 

from here to number six. I went with the Turds because, while the only really exciting player they have is 

Chase, everybody else is just really good. The depth in their lineup is quite good. Could they use a bench 

running back, sure. But who couldn’t?

3 Wizard of Bos

Thomas Midgely Jr - CFC and leaded gasoline

Have you heard of leaded gasoline and something called CFCs. If not, here’s a quick summary. They are 

widely considered to be two of the biggest environmental destructors of all time. They are both very, very bad. 

Almost as bad as Apache Camel. And Tom invented both. He probably caused more deaths long term than 

any other single inventor.

This and the next team are slightly ahead of the next couple teams because I trust their RB2 situations more

 than the next. I’m not too keen on starting 2 rookie RBs, especially ones that aren’t lighting the world on fire. 

But come the end of the season they could be difference makers once getting used to being in the league.

4 Washington Sewer Pipes

Othmar Zeidler - DDT

What if you just decided to kill all bugs. Just wipe em out. Get rid of them. Gonzo. Done. If you think about 

it for less than a second, that might not be the worst thing ever. Then once you hit second number two, you 

realize that is a very bad idea. But you know what’s not a bad idea. Making money. Yeah pretty good.

On one hand it feels kinda wrong ranking a team fourth when they haven’t won yet. However, as a journalist 

I feel inspired by how the AP Poll treated Notre Dame and thought, I can do that. But also this team has been 

performing pretty well this year with some bad luck, and at the same time their stars haven’t really stepped

 up yet. I wouldn’t be concerned at all about this team’s record this year.

5 Aubrey’s 3rd Leg

Ethan Zuckerman - Pop up ads

Unlike James Strachan, we find an inventor who realized the suffering their invention caused. Ethan was just a 

smart developer who found a way for web browsers to do pop ups. No harm there, just some innocent fun. The

n his invention ruined the internet. Especially porn sites. Mostly porn sites. Really those are the only important

 sites anyways.

A team propped up by their kicker is not a sustainable one. There’s some talent on this team sure, but the 

advanced stats say their current success isn’t sustainable. Their hot start may actually be enough to push them 

over the hump into the playoffs once every single one of their players regress. Pretty average team overall. 

Could be worse.

6 Sacko Bowl Nightmare

Sten Gustaf Thulin - plastic grocery bags

Wow I really didn’t mean for this list to become a list of environmental war crimes, but here we are. Plastic 

grocery bags are quite possibly the biggest pollutant, especially when it comes to ocean trash. They could soon 

outnumber aquatic wildlife in the ocean. Experts say that is bad. In Sten’s defense, they were initially produced 

to be reusable, but that was too much effort. Unlike James Strachan, who invented Apache Camel with as much

 suffering in mind as possible.

I honestly can’t believe I’m ranking a team starting Pacheco and McMillan this high. I feel gross. If I took 

showers I would be taking one now. But I don’t. So I won’t. Really the nightmare for this team is choosing 

which mid RB to start as RB2 every week. I can’t believe some pathetic soul actually lost to this team.

7 Sweep the Leg Jaydenson

George Hudson - daylight savings

George wasn’t necessarily the inventor per se, however he drafted the initial proposal that became law instituting

 daylight savings. Why you may ask? Because he was an entomologist that wanted to look at bugs. Why did it

 pass? Not because of WW2 like people would like you to believe. Politicians who voted for it wanted to be 

able to play evening golf.

There are two horrendous things created by computers on this list. Well actually a few. But two really stick out

. THis team created by the manager’s computer model, and Apache Camel. If I were the creator of either I 

would be quite embarrassed. Would I show my face in public? Well probably because I would have to get 

groceries. 

8 No Pain No Rogaine

Mark Zuckerberg

Self explanatory

If this manager could read he’d probably say, who cares I’m 2-0. Well guess what. I don’t care that you don’t 

care. Fucking Mickey Mouse wins. Especially the one against me. It’s honestly embarrassing that you call that 

a win. We both should’ve loss for how much we both suck. We almost suck as much as Apache Camel.

9 day one or one day

Antonio Egas Moniz - Lobotomy

After dealing with James Strachan’s invention of Apache Camel, I want a lobotomy. I want to forget. I want to 

move on. I want what has happened to me to never have happened. Drill a hole in my head. Let the memories

 flow out. Please god please. Oh god please.

Yeah I don’t care that this team won. Amon-Ra St. Brown won’t keep doing that and bailing this team out every 

week. Could he save this manager from bowling? Sure. Could happen. Won’t make the playoffs or nothing. But

 has a get out of jail free card.

10 Addison AssEaters

Wilfred Winkenbach (fantasy football)

Wilfred fucking Winkenbach is the stupid son of a bitch who has decided to ruin every Sunday of the fall for me. 

I want to be happy. I want to relax. And 60 years ago this guy decided, no. That won’t happen. I’m sure when he 

did it he thought, yeah fuck this guy in particular. FUCK

My life is a nightmare. Work sucks. Apache Camel sucks. My wife left me. She took the kids. We let the dog 

choose and he went with her. I don’t even get the holidays with them. All because I’m bad at fantasy football. 

Stupid. STUPID. I don’t actually have a wife, kids, or a dog. Well I guess hypothetical me no longer does either.

 But if I did they would’ve all left me. Understandably so.