my back hurts

I know you guys are excited but please keep it in your pants. It can’t be that hard to keep edging until at 

least the end of the article after the entry for day one or one day (we all know whose team that is). Just to hold 

on. Hooold on. That’s a good boy.

Anyways my team is dogshit so today’s theme is worse places to shit.

1 Aubrey’s 3rd Leg

School Bathroom

 

Unlike other places on this list, the school bathroom is indoors and should be a relatively comfortable pooping 

location. However danger lurks in every corner. Children will cross lines that the Geneva Condition flinch at. 

Raytheon wouldn’t dream of committing the crimes schoolchildren conceive.

The 3rd Legs, which is an innuendo for penises, are quite good. They also have a deep bench. However this 

franchise always have a deep bench likely due to their inability to start the right people. Look out for that in 

the playoffs when they have to face other good teams.

2 Chubb, Chuba, n Chubby

Gas Station With Exterior Door and Have To Retrieve Key From Cashier

 

I have had to shit in these bathrooms before. It was gross, I did not like it, I was scared. You know you have 

to ask the cashier for the key because people do drugs in there. I may have butt aids.

In standard scoring, running backs are good. Using this complex logic, we may extrapolate that drafting 

good running backs is good. This team is ahead of the sabermetrics curve and did just that. Welcome to 

the future of fantasy football bitches.

3 Sacko Bowl Nightmare

Side of the Highway When You Just Can’t Make It

 

Pros: spacious, good air flow, saves water. Cons: everybody can stare at you and laugh, no toilet paper, if 

you have friends like me you’ll have to poop on the move because they will not keep the car still, 

potentially a crime

The nerds say the RB1 from the previous year is unlikely to repeat. The nerds that say that aren’t *checks 

notes* Saquon Barkley. Any team that has Saquon is top contender until proven otherwise.

4 No Pain No Rogaine

Public Park Restroom

 

Shitting in a public park restroom is basically the same as shitting in someone’s living, dining, and bedroom 

all in one go. Sometimes the resident is present, sometimes you’re lucky enough that they’re gone until the 

park is closed. Either this plus the no AC and the absolutely disgusting state they’re always in 

makes this a no go.

If you’re thinking, hey Mr. Writer this kinda seems like you’re just putting teams with good running backs 

pretty high up. You’re right. Because I am. This isn’t exactly a running back ranking article, but it’s 

close enough. Don’t read too much into that. Just nod your head and agree and venmo me money 

for my services.

5 Swing Or Be Swung

Busy Bar Bathroom

 

Who here hasn’t shat in a busy bar bathroom. Drunk people are very willing to very loudly point it out for 

the world to hear. Nothing kills a vibe more than that tummy rumble as you admit defeat. They are also 

incredibly gross. I usually wear a second pair of pants to a bar so that I can take one off and put the toilet 

seat through the legs of the pants so that I ain’t porcelain to ass.

This dipshit changed their name during the writing of the article. Piece of shit. Pun intended. Because this 

is a poop themed article. What does the algorithm think of that?

6 Washington Sewer Pipes

Nice Comfy Bed

 

Who here hasn’t pooped the bed? Like I definitely haven’t since I stopped wearing diapers at an appropriate 

age. But like I wouldn’t judge if someone did. Because it can happen. Not to me. But it can happen.

This team may have the most elite receiver room in the league. It’s not totally out of the question that that 

carries them to a much higher seed than this over the course of the season. But the concern is the consistency 

of the receiving points at crunch time. None of them look like Jamar. Case in point, AJ Brown this week.

7 Wizard of Bos

Porta-Potty On a Sunny, Hot Day In a Parking Lot

 

I’m sure Finnish people love these pooping situations given their affinity for saunas. It’s very similar, except 

replace the stones with smelly logs. Basically the same thing. Though there’s a lot more adult content that 

takes place in saunas as opposed to porta-potties, according to Elias Sports Bureau.

The Wizards of Bos just don’t excite me. Two rookies as RB1 and 2? It’s bold, I’ll give ‘em that. I estimate 

that that hasn’t worked out well in the league’s history, however I’ve done zero research. I was too angry 

to because I used ‘that that’ in back-to-back team summaries.

8 Addison AssEaters

WNBA Game

 

I’m gonna keep it real, I am so sick and tired of thinking of pooping. The joke here is simply that I don’t 

wanna go to a WNBA game. At least the line will be short.

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid. Please just be a championship 

hangover. Please.

9 New England Harbor Turds

Right After The Shower

 

You’re all squeaky clean, you’re still a little damp, the bathroom is nice and steamy. Then you poop. You 

know it’s gonna be a gross one. You’re ruining the piece of art you’ve created. The squelch of your ass 

on the seat is sickening. You must restart.

Yeah I don’t know what I was thinking when I put these guys this low. This is a good team. The Bengals 

stack will feast in 2 more games. The running back room is solid. But it’s much too late, I’m almost 

done with this and I’m not editing this shit.

10 day one or one day

Duel Pooping

 

Is this a real thing? Who knows. Could be a fetish thing. Definitely not mine. I’m much too vulnerable to 

shit with someone watching me. Poop cam doesn’t count, that’s someone watching my back. However, I would 

rather make eye contact with someone while pooping instead of looking myself in the mirror if I had this team.