haters please stop praying on my downfall, i've fallen quite far as is

The theme is the 10 worst coworkers one could possibly have. If you think this is referring to you I swear to god it's actually someone else. Who am I kidding, if you are on this list you do not have the self awareness to realize it would be you. But remember, these are fictional stereotypes.

1 Chubb, Chuba, and Chubby

 The Guy Who Just Wants To Talk About The Reds

 

 This guy is actually a very pleasant person. Seems nice enough, at least for the work place, gets their work done, mostly just another coworker you would normally make quick small talk with when getting coffee. However, this guy knows you like baseball. In an office lacking in baseball fans. So when he sees you, he lets it all out. Your legs will cramp. Your eyelids will become heavy. He will spout the most old school takes of all time. There is no escape.

These guys are really good. Roughly the best team in the league.

 

2 Addison AssEaters

 The Guy With Not Train Autism

 

 Here we have another coworker that you really don't want to dislike, but man it's hard. Like what can you do when he starts a conversation by describing in great detail and with strange sound effects the championship of some obscure video game from 5 years ago. Or when he interrupts a group conversation to spend 5 minutes sharing an unrelated personal anecdote. Or repeats the same joke a dozen times because he heard other people laugh when someone else did it. Yes I'm self aware. Shockingly it does get worse than me, believe me.

If I had to describe this team, I think I would say something along the lines of being the second best team.

 

3 Aubrey's 3rd Leg 

 The Political Guy

 

 This isn't the guy you're expecting. You actually agree with this guy's politics. If you were to have a serious conversation about politics with this guy, you actually wouldn't mind it. What you do mind is the constant impressions he does all day every day. Like we get it, you're not happy about the political climate. But oh my god shut up. Just because you talk slower and louder doesn't make it a good impression, it barely even counts as an impression. Unfortunately everybody around you is just too professional to say anything about it.

I'm no psychic or tarot card reader, but I can still sense the vibes that this is the third best team.

 

4 Washington Sewer Pipes 

 The Ogre

 

 Let's start with the good qualities for this coworker:

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Now onto the rest. This is the coworker whose job description is essentially a bunch of corporate lingo that doesn't really say anything. So what do they do everyday? Well, no one really knows. However, to make up for their lack of productivity, they stalk the office for "troublemakers". You know, the people that sit at their desks weird, the ones who don't laugh at their jokes hard enough, women with boobs they wanna stare at, you know the classic troublemakers. Then this coworker reports them to their managers for violating policies they made up on the spot. And drive out all the good employees.

If the Washington Sewer Pipes were a number between 1 and 10 that corresponded with how good they were in this fantasy league, they would be the number 4.

 

5  New England Harbor Turds

 The Trolley Problem Guy

 

 Let's not get too philosophical here. This guy doesn't ponder moral decisions or talk about deeper things at work or anything. This guy just loves to let people get run over by the trolley, or in other words constantly throw other people under the bus. When he somehow ends up in meetings that are trying to accomplish things, he tends to derail the conversation by discussing literally anything else. Then when things aren't done on time or his ideas are dogshit, well it's anybody else's fault. The people trying to make sense of his ideas, they're not working hard enough. The designs he approved that failed, the designer hid the warts of the design from him. He's perfect though. And he'll get promoted for tanking his team.

Turds can be called number 2, but if you turn that upside down and flip it it's 5.

 

6 Wizard of Bos

The Guy Who Shits For Years 

 

 First let's give credit where credit's due, the designer of your office was really optimistic that engineering would have close to a 50/50 girl/guy ratio by the time people actually worked there. That guy was wrong. Which makes this coworker really fucking annoying. That first coffee works its way through you and it's time to drop the kids off at the pool. You gotta get to the closest bathroom that happens to not have many stalls and of course, they're all taken. And you see the shoes. The. Shoes. It doesn't matter when you go in. It doesn't matter whether it's a busy or chill week. Every single fucking time you see the same shoes. You know who it is from the very little time they spend outside of that stall. But you barely recognize the face anymore. But you know those shoes. And those shoes mean you're gonna have to haul ass to another floor if you wanna make it.

Like the serious number from the Mobil On The Run ads many years ago, this team is 6. 

 

7 Sweep the Leg Jaydenson 

 The Idiot Savant

 

 I've heard this term used for someone who seems like an idiot but is somehow smart. I'm using it to describe the coworker who is actually an idiot, but believes they are a savant. When discussing potential solutions with them you hear a lot of big words and a lot of stories about having fixed similar solutions before. However even new college grads can piece together the lack of understanding of what they're saying. They aren't a smooth talker, they don't really come across as a genius, most people just really hope he knows what he means to say but doesn't speak well. Once you work with them you will see that is not the case.

Gun to my head, if I were asked to rank this team I would say, "7".

 

8 Sacko Bowl Nightmare 

 The Gross One

 

 This one is a special breed. Like... you wouldn't think you would have to tell someone to not do the things they do. Like who else would walk around the office barefoot? Or tear out their hair and leave it on other people's desks? Or potentially shit in their desk chair? Or leave a layer of film on everything they touch? Or get in everybody's personal spaces when talking to them? Like who would do these things? This coworker, that's who. I'll take the stereotypical basement dweller any day.

If I ever end up on one of those street interviews on tik tok and am asked to name the 3rd worst team in my fantasy league right now this is the team that I would say.

 

9 day one or one day 

 The One Who Takes Their Animal Costume Too Seriously On Halloween

 

You don't necessarily dislike this one too much, but you're a little suspicious of this guy. Like yeah there's always those people who take office Halloween costumes a little too seriously, but like whatever. Then there's this guy, whose animal costume has a little too many accessories. That itself ain't nothing, but this coworker leans into furry jokes a bit too much too. Like we heard you the first couple times when you said "ha look I'm a furry". And why do you know how much a fursuit costs? Knowing the placement of the fans in these suits is NOT common knowledge you know. 

When I think of the team that is really close to being the worst but is one off from being the worst, I think of this team. 

 

10 No Pain No Rogaine 

The Snake Oil Salesman

 

If you took The Idiot Savant, but made them talk good, you're close to The Snake Oil Salesman. This guy talks a lot, uses phrases that business people like such as "boil a bucket not the ocean", "this big black box of magical awesomeness", or "evolutionary architecture". He also uses pictures that are actually unreadable but it makes people think he's smarter than he really is. But if you have the slightest technical ability you can see right through it. You see how dumb his ideas are. But management is already sold so now you get fucked trying to polish his turds. 

 Worst team.