my legs hurt and are shaking

 I've already determined halfway through the first song that sea shanties are terrible writing songs. Unfortunately I've already determined the theme of this power rankings and I need mood music to write. So I'm stuck with it. I feel like the captain of a ship with the cheapest shittiest crew of all time.

SEA

MONSTERS

 

1 Aubrey's 3rd Leg

Cthulhu   

 

Cthulhu is a weird fuck created by a very racist guy. I picked him as the number one scariest sea monster though now that I did my research (spent only 15 seconds on its Wikipedia page) I don't know that it even mythologically killed anybody. Too bad he is a very scary fella.

Derrick Henry has been struggling. Garrett Wilson has Justin Fields throwing to him. Patrick Mahomes isn't actually a good fantasy quarterback. I'm sure this team isn't very high in the standings... I really hope the stars don't show up so everybody else has a chance. 

 

 2 Chubb, Chuba, n Chubby

 Kraken

 

 The Kraken only gets the second spot because really everybody knows it. Like at this point if your ship gets taken out by the Kraken you're just kinda like, yeah we get it. Cool story. Everybody's uncle and neighbor has been through it. Like it's scary yeah no doubt. But okay. Kinda the Taylor Swift of sea monsters. 

A team with McCaffery, Allen, JT, and Nico Collins is name after a fatso, a geriatric running back, and a Panthers player? Like if you only knew the team name you would think these guys SUCK. But this team is a buzzsaw. They may be the only team that could drag the 3rd leg back down to the depths.

 

3 Addison AssEaters

Megalodon

 

During shark week I saw this show that convinced me Megalodon is still out there. And it's massive. It's huge. Imagine like a blue whale but a shark. But cooler. I heard it can bite through an aircraft carrier. The cold war was all about nuclear dominance, the modern era is all about who can first tame the Megaodon. I made all of this up.

Does this team really inspire confidence? No. But all they do is eat ass and win. And there's plenty of both left to do this season. As long as they play duck duck goose correctly with all those running backs this team will keep winning. And every loss will come with would've should've could've when the wrong running back is in the lineup.

 

4 Wizard of Bos

Levithian

 

Levithian is a truly scary beast, however it falls to the fourth spot due to it's religious connotation and we here at the Weenie Hut Post Gazette Times New Roman like to stay out of politics. Also Wikipedia says it could've been numerous things so like some of the pictures are really scary, but apparently it could be based off a normal crocodile which is scary but not like, the scariest thing.

Color me shocked, I really didn't think a team based solely off of rookie running backs would be anywhere close to fourth in the power rankings, much less this early in the season. This team's contender status really hinges on everybody else on the team, can butterfingers keep remembering how to catch the ball, and how badly will Aaron Rodgers tank all the Steelers on the roster when he remembers he's 80.

 

5 Washington Sewer Pipes

Great White Shark

 

Here is our first entry that is both confirmed to be real and still in existence. Now it's no Megladon, but it's still a scary bitch. They even made a whole movie about how scary it is. That movie did quite well in the box office from what I heard. Though it was quite unrealistic. Anyways this article is brought to you by Sharknado.

We have officially reached the point in the rankings where each team will have at least one glaring hole. Now this hole ain't as glaring as a blue whale's vagina or nothing, but contenders don't have guys like Rhamondre Stevenson in their RB2 slot with no potential replacements to be seen on the roster. But the rest of the talent on the roster should boost these guys into the playoffs at least.

 

6 New England Harbor Turds

Killer Whale 

 

Okay so like people say they're not killers but like, they're called killer whales. They are a sea monster. It's literally in their name. Oooh I'm so smart they're actually called orcas SHUT UP. SHUT UP. Yeah we get it you went to an aquarium cool you know they let anybody in there. All you have to do is buy a ticket. You're not smart you're not special go cry about it. 

 We don't do shock journalism here at the Weenie Hut Jr Post Times Gazette Reporter brought to you by DraftKings Sportsbook. Are the Turds down in Mariana's Trench right now? Sure. But looking at their roster they've got some a really solid set of running backs, even with Bucky Irving potentially out. A couple of underperforming receivers and questionable quarterback play is holding this team back, but the bones are absolutely here.

 

7 2021 Colts

Umi-Bozu

 

Umi-Bozu is a Japanese myth. It's literally a giant monk that pops out of the sea and demands a ladle. Then you get drowned. But if you give him a bottomless ladle he gets confused and you can sail away. Like... what? Does he drown you using the ladle? That seems rather difficult to accomplish. He is so big, his time seems better spent in the NBA.

If I tiered the rankings this would be the start of the bottom tier. This team tops this tier by virtue of having Bijan. Etienne and Bowers could land this team in the playoffs still with some luck, but very little on the rest of the roster gives confidence. I suppose if you squint hard enough with bad vision you can see paths for the receivers to break out, however even with my 2 year old cracked glasses I don't see it. 

 

8 Sacko Bowl Nightmare

WNBA Game 

 I would be terrified if I saw a WNBA game break out in the middle of the ocean. But mostly there are way less mythological scary sea creatures than I expected, like sorry but I'm not putting a whirlpool or a normal sized sea monk on this list. We already have a big sea monk. The joke here is that it's a WNBA game.

 Rachaad White in the flex provides a huge boost to this lineup... in the year of our lord 2025. Oof. Maybe Saquon will figure it out and carry this team? Maybe Justin Herbert will stop being scared of getting called racist for throwing it to Ladd? Really this team only has one criminal in the lineup which losing its identity like that is just asking for a bad season.

 

9 Sweep the Leg Jaydenson

Aspidochelone 

 

 If you're gonna come up with a mythological creature, why the fuck would you choose such a complicated spelling? Like they literally just invented writing shit, and were like yeah we're gonna make a big fucking word. And was it badass? Not really. It's just a big turtle that pretends it's an island until people camp on it, then it just submerges so people drown. Like cool I guess?

 Ladies and gentlemen, your leader in roster moves this year. I wonder, did the computer come up with the strategy to draft poorly then frantically make as many waiver claims as possible to scramble together a team? Certainly the model wouldn't come up with something like that. It must've been user error. But the model was fool proof! To some at least.

 

10 day one or one day 

 Box Jellyfish

 

I thought the box jellyfish killed between 20 and 40 people every year, however I think I got it mixed up with something else. The tab I left open says absolutely nothing about that so I don't know what I intended this sea monster to be. It will stay the box jellyfish.

One day. It wasn't this past weekend. It probably won't be a day this year. Not with this roster. But one day. One day this team will do it. This team will make the playoffs. But not this year.