we need to talk

 I've been trying to come up with a theme song for these power rankings. I've reached out to Pearl Jam and Avril Lavigne to see if either of them would be interested in starring in it. I would like to note the intent is that only one of them would actually perform it. However if both were up to it I would not mind a collaboration. I do not know how well that would guy. Probably pretty fucking sick. Drop in the comments who you would like to see perform our theme song. Don't forget to like and subscribe. If you don't I'll shit in your water supply.

 

THEME: Top 10 races

 

 

 1 Aubrey's 3rd Leg

The Indy 500

 

 The pinnacle of motorsport. Really fast cars go really fast for 500 laps. The crashes are insane. The fans are insane. We all keep blacking out when we go. Sometimes people puke on couches. And that happens. Really it happens to everybody sometimes. Like it's something we all can look back at and laugh at. Because since the guilty party cleaned it up it's not even a problem so like do we even need to bring it up anymore. 

We have our top 2 teams for the forseeable future. Fans of either of those teams really only need to check who's first if they wanna know where they rank, if you don't see your team name your second. This team's biggest weakness was their bye week. The cool thing about bye weeks is that they only happen one time a year. The bad thing for everybody else is that these guys won still. Frick.

 

2 Chubb, Chuba, 'n Chubby

24 Hours of Le Mans

 

 24 hours of racing around an absolute gauntlet of a track is quite possibly one of the most badass things in the world. Watching insane hypercars weave through slower GT3 cars in the dead of night keeps you on the edge of your seat. Also the broadcast is really funny because during the dead of night most drivers are mostly worried about surviving so the on track action cools down, so they show what stupid things the pit crews are doing to pass the time and stay awake. Once the commentator suggested heroin. Like the official guy on the call. And they use discord to send messages from race control to the teams.

Wow shocker who would've guessed these guys would be second. I could've. Because I wrote the article. This is how you guys know I'm a real journalist, since these guys lost I could've dropped them lower to rage bait y'all to get more clicks. But I didn't. Anyways, just like the Dodgers these guys are ruining fantasy football. Well the Dodgers are ruining baseball not fantasy football. But like you get what I was trying to say.

 

3 Washington Sewer Pipes 

  Isle of Man TT

 

The Isle of Man TT may not be one of the most well known races of all time but it is certainly one of the coolest. The Isle of Man shuts down a bunch of their public roads so that they can race motorcycles around a 38 mile circuit around the island. It is a time trial because the roads aren't exactly built for side by side racing, but that doesn't put a damper on things. Only those who truly love racing compete because of the danger. This race is not allowed to be put on any racing series calendars due to the fact that fatal crashes are relatively common, they don't wanna pressure anybody who doesn't wanna do it to compete.

This team is almost as deadly as the Isle of Man TT. A team has to be if they are capable of coming close to the all time record most points in a week. Now, the team that holds that record did in fact miss the playoffs, but that doesn't mean anything right? I have determined that this team is less likely to be a flash in the pan. Because I am an expert so I can determine that. 

 

4 New England Harbor Turds

  Kentucky Derby

 

That's right here at Weenie Hut Jr Post Times Gazette the Third we recognize other forms of racing besides motorsports. And the Kentucky Derby is king of them all. Do you know how special a race has to be for all of America to pretend to care about horse racing? For 364 days a year it's an excuse to do live gambling while drinking $2 beers and quietly making fun of the people who are dressed like they're at the Kentucky Derby. But for one day a year, everybody cares. Especially us since it help determines draft order.

Well maybe Deion was the issue. The real issue with this team is just lack of consistency. They have yet to score between 90-100 points in a game this year. All or nothing. But that's a scary kind of team. A team that pops enough to make the playoffs only needs 3 booms in a row to win it all. BOOM BOOM BOOM. I'm sure the kids in here get that reference. I hope kids aren't reading this. Vagina. See I use words like that in here this isn't for you. Go get groomed by a streamer instead. 

 

5 Wizard of Bos

Daytona 500 

 

 According to Elias Sports Bureau, the Daytona 500 ranks #1 worldwide in exposed buttholes per lap. What makes this astounding is the amount of laps during this race, meaning there must be an astounding amount of exposed buttholes over the course of the 500 miles. Now you may say hey, this 500 lap race is quite a bit lower than the other one, what gives? I'm happy to tell you. It takes place in Florida. And they drive slow.

This guy would have a field day telling people about bidets at the Daytona 500. This also may be the scariest 9th place team we've had. The patented (well that patent is still pending [pending submission I don't know how to do this]) Luck-O-Meter has this team as the unluckiest of the season, which if those results flipped they'd have a comfortable path to the playoffs. However now they've gotta start zooming to the front of the pack if they want to make it. Racing pun. Laugh.

 

6 Addison AssEaters

Monaco Grand Prix 

 

 What used to be the pinnacle of the motorsports world. The fastest cars on earth flying through the streets of luxurious Monaco racing to win the biggest one in the world. Part of the famed triple crown along with entries one and two on this list, yet here Monaco lies in sixth. The race really only still takes place due to its storied history, the quality has plummeted to a glorified parade. Sure the cars still go quite fast on the urban streets, but they've managed to just make it boring.

 Speaking of past glory, the reigning champs are really looking like they're taking a year off. A couple of fluky wins keep these guys in a good spot to squeak into the playoffs potentially, but only if the team can actually put together a decent run. Having the top 3 teams in these power rankings as their final 3 opponents will really hurt their cause if they can't take care of their other games.

 

 7 Sweep the Leg Jaydenson

Tour De France

 

Google fucking sucks nowadays. When I starting typing tour de france it suggested tour de france monaco. That makes no sense. Monaco isn't in France. And it's not like people are often googling that specific phrase. Anyways this month long cycling race gets everybody in the world to care about cycling for all of like 4 days. Then everybody remembers how long it lasts and usually tunes it out. Then they see someone won and they're like oh yeah I remember seeing that name during the 25 minutes of total time I spent watching. Then a month later they see a headline about the winner getting caught using steroids and are like I've never heard of this guy. 

Here lies the last of the true playoff contenders. That's not to say one of the next three can't make it. They just aren't actually playoff caliber. Usually one of those sneak in. And this team is fine. It's okay. I look at one of their players and I go yeah sure. Then I look at the next and I go okay yeah. And I keep doing that. Nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. 

 

9 day one or one day

Baby Racing 

While entertaining, everybody has to agree that the actual quality of the racing is quite low. Very low speed. Very little strategy involved. The racers quite often act like they have no idea what they're doing. To my knowledge there's not even a sanctioning body. I can't find standings anywhere. But the chaos factor is quite big which can lead to some fun races.

Occasionally during these races the unthinkable happens. One participant just kinda sits there, biding their time. Sizing up the moment. Getting used to the spotlight. Then they strike. Gingerly, they rise. Not on all fours. But on their feet. And they run. It isn't graceful, it isn't fast, but it's fast enough. That's this team. But it's only fast enough for 8th. 

 

 9 Sacko Bowl Nightmare

24 Hours of Lemons 

 

No I didn't mispell it. This is the 24 Hours of Lemons. These ain't fancy race cars. They are only technically cars really. There's a $500 limit on the cars and basically you race 'em til their dead. The one with the most laps before it gets towed wins. Simple as that. It's actually pretty cool, it's just that the racing isn't exactly fantastic. But hey people are having fun.

These guys aren't having fun. They are also not winning. I am technically a scientist if you look at my degree so I can confidently say that those are correlated. I believe losing to someone that I just compared to a toddler is bad for morale.  

 

10 No Pain No Rogaine 

That F1 ESport 

 This "sport" is not worthy of a photo. Anything I can do hammered isn't really a sport. Can those guys drive faster than me virtually? Yeah. Because they're scared of leaving their moms' basements. As bad as I am at social interaction, at least I willing to do it. Pussies.

This team is also pussies.