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 Here at the Weenie Hut Jr Gazette Dispatch (gamer reference) Times Yelp Review Expert Times Post we celebrate Veterans Day in two ways. First, we blast dubstep renditions of military music all day. This is to honor soldiers both past and present. Second, we find any way to wedge in a joke about people thanking us for our service to my veteran coworkers who are JUST professional enough to not beat the ever living shit out of me on company time. The third thing we're doing to celebrate Veterans Day is power ranking the greatest battles in all of military history. Like, subscribe, and thank Darrian and I for our service.

 

 1 Chubb, Chuba, n Chubby

Me vs Poison Ivy 

 

Quite possibly the greatest battle of all, one historians, writers, and the public have agreed upon as one of the three themes of life, man versus nature. A struggle we share with the cavemen of years past. A battle that shall be waged until the end of time or the end of man, whichever comes first. Some may argue that this case is actually one of man versus self, as this is a result of sucking at disc golf. That is an acceptable answer. Whatever the case may be, the moment I perish the battle changes. It shall not be one against nature, man, nor anything of this earth. No. For I shall fight God himself on his own battlefield, for He alone is responsible for the Creation of such a wretched plant.

Speaking of fight god, that's basically what happens every week to this team's opponent. They are transcendent. They are pure. They have figured out the market inefficiency that no one else could figure out. A disproportionate amount of white football players. Just enough to not be accused of being racist, but enough to make you think. They are just a Ladd McConkey or Cooper Kupp away from revealing their true character.

 

2 Aubrey's 3rd Leg 

The Monitor vs the Merrimack

 

This battle is a certified military historian sickos moment. This historic occasion featured the first ever ironclad on ironclad battle in military history, revolutionizing naval strategy history. Taking place in the only country that celebrates Veterans Day, this battle between the Union and Confederates was a landmark occasion that drew spectators from far and wide. And they were treated to something. Both ships weren't actually that good at shooting and took roughly 8 minutes to reload, so they mostly just circled each other until one of them was hit and the captain got splinters and they both left because they were low on ammunition and fuel.

Speaking of historic occasions that largely amount to nothing, this franchise is on its way to claim its millionth runner up in history. I'll pause for applause. Sure is quiet in here. Mic must be off or something. Nice thing about writing about the second best team is you don't have to. Just imagine a slightly worse version of the best team. That's about it. Thank you for your time. 

 

3 Washington Sewer Pipes

 The Emu War

 

Many countries have faced incredibly embarrassing defeats. Americans lost in Vietnam despite their willingness to do anything to win, to put it politely. The English have lost to the French. The French claim to have an army. Yet... there's Australia. Who lost to emus. According to some ornithologists, emus do not possess the capacity to know they are at war (paraphrasing a little here). The one positive here is that no Australian lives were lost, which is shocking because they had dudes trying to heard emus into machine gun fire so it definitely could've been worse. At the end of the war Australia spent roughly 2,500 rounds of ammunition to kill about 50 emus. And their dignity.

Who else could snatch defeat from the jaws of victory? Could it be the team 3rd in points, yet with a losing record? I don't know what to do with this team. They score so much I don't wanna rank them higher, but they refuse to win and generally I try to rank teams by how good they win. Instead of wasting rounds of ammunition all they really do is waste good performances from their players.

 

4 Addison AssEaters

 Me vs Talking to Women

 

Quite possibly the greatest conflict since the dawn of mankind, man versus self. Fear of failure, or could it be fear of success? Maybe it's scarier if a woman actually seems interested in you, and actually wants to talk to you. What am I supposed to say? How often is too often to say this weather, huh? What if I accidentally spend too long describing how the shape of a disc changes its flight characteristics? What exactly is that threshold and what if I don't describe all of those factors before I hit that limit? Would it be ruder to stop at a partial explanation or drone on too long? Why is she walking away? Women are such a mystery.

If you don't count the weeks the AssEaters lose, they are a very good team. They score a lot, they have a lot of fun, really they just give off a really good vibe. Do they have any stars? I mean, not really. Like Justin Jefferson is a big name but ya know he mostly is on the team for the vibes. They employ the only NFL player to really like nail polish which is very progressive of them. Despite winning the championship last year, these guys have really endeared themselves to the rest of the league as the likable plucky underdogs.

 

5 Shake My Boutte 

Battle of Little Bighorn

 

I think this may be the most well known American military disaster in history. General Custer decided to attack a well fortified Native American camp that had the geographical advantage and got everybody in his command killed. This is despite having orders to stand down until reinforcements arrived and scouts telling him this was the largest army of Native Americans they've ever seen. But that didn't stop him. And for that, he will always be remembered which is a positive.

Losing in the first round of the playoffs isn't a disaster like a failed military battle. Less people tend to die in these scenarios. However, like Custer isn't remembered for his military accomplishments (I don't know if he has any I didn't look it up), this team won't be remembered for its playoff appearance. It will be remembered for one of two things. One, if they miss it would possibly be the most embarrassing chokes of all time. Two, if they make it they will be remembered as that team that fails all the time but somehow made it this year. However like Custer had blind faith in himself, this GM blindly trusted a computer to mediocre success.

 

6 New England Harbor Turds

Battle of Caribou

 

Not often do you see a battle have exactly one casualty, and that being a bear instead of a person. However, it has happened. May I introduce you to the Battle of Caribou. A battle in name alone, this fight consisted of American and Canadian farmers trying to find each other in the woods of Maine with hunting equipment until the Canadians got attacked by a bear. They then shot and killed the bear, but the Americans thought they were being shot at so they returned fire, scaring both sides into just running away. They then claimed the other side attacked them almost starting a war between Canada and America about the Maine border until they realized who gives a shit about Maine and they just kinda stopped caring.

Every year this team is expected to make the playoffs given the talent of the team and their early results. Every year a bear shows up and they run away and end up in the sacko bowl. Sometimes that bear is injuries. Sometimes that bear is unlucky matchups. Sometimes that bear is the fact that they don't listen to this power ranker when he ranks them high. Who knows what the bear is this year. This Coors Banquet has got me really stretching these comparisons huh.

 

7 Wizard of Bos

 Three Hundred and Thirty Five Years War 

 

Search no further for the most meaningless longest war in history. Zero people were harmed during the extent of this war, and the only impact on the world is some poor Dutch ambassador had to visit some dogshit English island in the 80s to "end" the war that never really happened. And this "war" that happened only happened because the Dutch went to this island to demand money because a couple of their ships were damaged, and the people on the island said no. So the Dutch said oh yeah we're at war now then left and never bothered to care again. To specify, this war wasn't between the Dutch and the British, but between the Dutch and a podunk British island specifically.

I have two options as to what I can say is more meaningless than this war, a fantasy team that is built around its kicker, or a fantasy team that's built around the Steelers. I think both options are quite valid and if we lived in the age of Greek philosophers this would be argued for way longer than it deserves until someone shows up with a hairless Aaron Rodgers and declares here's a man. But we don't live in those ages. So we can kinda leave it at that.

 

8 Sacko Bowl Nightmare

 Witz vs Joining Discord

 

The last of the great conflicts in history, man versus man. Yes one can argue that many of these military exercises are man versus man, however there is no greater example of this conflict than a man talking to his friends. An effort that can only be described as Herculean, this is one of the great modern struggles. How can one communicate with ones they are so close to? Online voice chat? Text based group chats? Photograph based group chats? Text based individual chats? The US Postal Service? Impossible.

I have a deep distrust in doctors. My pure innocent soul thought that they would be nice caring people. Not people that cheered for death and destruction. Cheering for the demise of others. Wishing ill upon fellow human beings. Yet. yet. Here we are. JK Dobbins is injured and they laugh. They cheer. They sit upon their high horse and smile. And gloat. Probably pop champagne. Celebrate that they'll miss the playoffs but not injure their poor little ring finger bowling.

 

9 No Pain No Rogaine

 Battle of Karansebes

 

The fall of the mighty Austrian army. Actually I didn't read close enough to know whether they're mighty but for the sake of argument go with it. The fall of the mighty Austrian army. In one fell swoop destroyed. By whom you may ask? The mighty Austrian army. Apparently if you don't give schnapps to every Austrian in the army they will invade their camps that have schnapps fooling their fellow soldiers into thinking they're the enemy so they'll attack only for the camp that sent those soldiers to attack because they thought their schnapps thieves were also attacked by the enemy leading to a massive Austrian vs Austrian battle that may have killed 10,000. Anyways whoever their enemy was got Karansebes because of this but I don't remember who that was because they kinda played a passive role.

I look at the trophy for this league's championship (because I won last year) and I see this team twice. Now you may argue the first one doesn't really count, however backing it up by winning the following year kinda nullifies that. Then you look at this year and the year past. And you feel but pity. Could this be self sabotage? Glutton catching up? You think about the Bill Belichicks of this world, hanging around for too long to the point it's embarrassing. You think how could someone like this have won? Those of you around just think it's okay old man, it's okay to finally let go. 

10 day one or one day

Darrian vs His Inner Demons

Which demon may you ask? The one in his ear about the brutal parlay he is about to place? The one telling him that backup running back no one has ever heard of is the correct one? The one that is saying start the worst defense ever? Doesn't really matter. Happy Veterans Day. King shit.