So You Want The First Overall Pick

 Fellow racing fans, welcome to THE Weenie Hut Jr Post Gazette Times New Roman Annual Indy 500 Driver Breakdown Extravaganza (also known by it's acronym, TWHJPGTNRAI5DBE). This is for all you casual racing fans, or someone who doesn't even know that Prema is no longer racing in Indycar. Ha. That was a funny one. Ask basically anyone if you don't get it, it was pretty big news. Anyways, here's your breakdown to help select your driver this year.

The Favorites

Alex Palou

 

This is the most boring pick imaginable, but it basically guarantees you a top 3 selection. It is oval racing so anything could happen, however Palou is superhuman and his team appears to have figured out how to add a force field around his car so he barely ever gets crashed into. Last year he won the majority of the races and the Indy 500, so at this point it feels safe to set betting lines as Palou vs the field much like the world's best driver Mr. Tiger Woods.

 Josef Newgarden

 

Do you want someone who wins at all costs? Someone who is willing to break the rules multiple times? Someone whose team owns not only Indianapolis Motor Speedway, but all of Indycar so they can do all this? Then boy do I have the driver for you. Newgarden is not a very popular person right now amongst Indycar fans due to recent scandals that include some very obvious cheating, but his talent is undeniable. He is widely considered to be the best oval driver in the series and has already won 2 Indy 500s, so it's safe to say he could be considered the co-favorite with Palou.

Will Power

 

 Calling Will Power one of the favorites may be a bit of a stretch, but it's hard to argue he's a bad choice to win. His team, Andretti, tends to field very strong cars for the 500 and he's one of the fastest drivers this series has ever seen, as evidenced by the fact that he has the most poles of all time. He also got screwed by Penske in contract negotiations last year, so he has extra motivation to win with this being considered a Penske race. He is still more of a second tier choice behind the top 2, but he's comfortably at the top of that tier.

 

Potential First Winners

Pato O'Ward

 

I gotta say, his name really just doesn't roll off the tongue very well. First name ending in an O rolling right into a last name starting with an O, kinda strange. Better than going by Patricio though. Anyways Pato, which I can call him since he's a good friend and everybody calls him that, may have the strongest track record of any non-Indy 500 winners. He's finished 2nd twice, and has a 3rd and a 4th. He's been one of the most talented drivers in the series for a few years now and has really added racecraft to his raw speed. He is gonna win one at some point, it's just a matter of when.

Kyle Kirkwood

 

There are people in this world that pretend the Indycar champion might not be Palou. It's crazy, but trust me people actually say that. The argument for someone besides Palou winning begins and ends with Kyle Kirkwood. He is currently 2nd in the points and if not for getting disqualified at last year's 500, he might've made Palou actually have to work for his championship. Kirkwood isn't exactly an oval guy, but he consistently finishes in the top 10 on ovals and broke through with an oval win last year. He is more of a safe pick to choose 4th with the chance of squeaking out a win.

Christian Rasmussen

 

Endearingly called the Sultan of Sketch by the Fox broadcast, Rasmussen is the riskiest pick of those who have a chance to win. Rasmussen drives balls to the wall no matter the circumstances including his first oval win, where he had a massive lead yet still sent incredibly dangerous passes around lapped cars because he only knows one speed. Last year he became an oval star and must watch TV, but he's a heart attack to root for. If he manages to keep his car intact for all 500 miles, he very well could end up drinking the winner's milk. 

David Malukas

 

Lil Dave, as he's commonly called by only the Fox broadcast and literally no one else, really likes to threaten to win races. He isn't actually good at winning, but boy does he provide drama until the last ten laps where he fades to 2nd or 3rd place because his competitors just decide to drive faster than him. He won't win the Indy 500, but there's a very real chance he leads just long enough to give you hope despite me telling you it won't happen, only for me to be right and you only get the 2nd or 3rd pick.

 

One Off's That Might Win

Helio Castroneves

 

Whenever a driver who has a share of the record for most Indy 500 wins all time is in the field, you pay attention. Does Helio qualify for AARP? Yeah, he's 51. Is he fast? Well... I guess he's not not fast. This is an absolute dart throw of a pick, but he's won 4 times already and is hungry to break the tie for most wins all time. His last win was 2021 so it's not like he's a relic from a different era. If you're one of the last picks, you could do worse (see next major section).

 Takuma Sato

 

Takuma Sato is a two time Indy 500 winner who now only races at the 500, and for some reason does testing for Indycar during the offseason despite not having a full time ride. He hasn't raced full time in a couple years and his team is notoriously dogshit at Indy, yet he's fast as fuck. He keeps qualifying towards the front of his field while watching his teammates struggle to even qualify for the race. It doesn't really make sense. Well actually Graham Rahal does suck ass so like it does kinda make sense. Sato may not be the safest pick, but he's a really fun guy to root for and he has a weirdly good chance of winning.

Ryan Hunter-Reay

 

RHR is yet another geriatric winner (have you noticed the theme of this section yet) who has a fairly realistic chance of winning this race. He has won once before and, of the drivers in the section, has the best team behind him since he'll be racing for McLaren this year taking Kyle Larson's seat. He'll be the second best on that team behind only Pato, so if McLaren gets it right chances are Pato will have more heartbreak and RHR would win. Just something to keep in mind.

Pick Only If Suicidal

Jacob Abel

 

Fun fact, this driver is really only available this year because they aren't kicking anybody out unlike last year. Abel tried to qualify but got bumped, then lost his seat at the end of the year. However, his daddy paid up and sure enough he has to actually race in the 500 this year. Pick Jacob Abel if you really don't want any stress this year and want your driver to crash out lap 1.

Sting Ray Robb

 

It's very unfortunate that Sting Ray (his legal name by the way) is no longer sponsored by Pray.com, as the only way he finishes in the top 20 would be a miracle. He does have the fact that he's an "oval expert" going for him, but that really just means he's less embarrassing on ovals. My prediction for the race: he causes an incident early on but somehow survives while taking out a relevant driver, pits under yellow, spins out on the restart taking out another good driver, retires from the race. 28th place.

Nolan Siegel

 

This guy just isn't good but his family has enough money for him to race for McLaren. He'll just kinda be there lapping in the mid 20s for most of the race. The only time you'll notice him is when you see the papaya and think whoa did <insert good McLaren driver here> have an incident and fall? Then you'll realize it's Siegel and wish someone good was in that car.

Other Drivers To Consider

Scott Dixon - One of the GOATs of the sport, still a really solid driver but just hasn't quite had the pace, safe pick for a good result but hasn't had the magic he used to

Marcus Ericsson - Has won before and had another really good result, in a contract year so will be extra motivated to win, but has been on a cold streak at the 500

Scott McLaughlin - Races for Penske who will likely be a really good team at the 500, but he's clearly the 3rd best oval driver on the team so probably won't beat his teammates

Santino Ferrucci - Does pretty well at the 500 usually, only driver ever fired for racism