Fan's Guide to Choosing Your NFL Team

Guest Writer: Steven Lobser 

Some weeks your fantasy team performs so poorly you wish you were watching as a regular fan. If you don’t have a diehard team you support here’s which teams in the nfl that your fantasy team best matches vibes with. Unfortunately you might lose twice in one week supporting your fantasy team's spirit animal NFL team. 

Slant boys

 New York Giants - a high draft seems to have pushed this group to the elite level but many question their record and roster. Reliant on an all star RB and a good mobile qb to overcome a lack of depth and a weakening WR core. Just like the Giants as soon as their starting RB went down the flaws of this team were pulled forward. Let's see if Sully has the talent/ pixie dust that has allowed Brian Daboll to beat tougher opponents. 

MS Sentient Turd

 Houston Texans - Just like the Texans this team lives or dies off their lethal RB talent. And just like the Texans they are far better than their record shows (not just cope from the author). What has shown to be one of their bigger weaknesses is that the WR group is extremely volatile, they have the ability to torch any pairing in the league or be worse than 2 bench players. But unlike the Texans they won’t be able to get wins from a weak division as their upcoming schedule is tough but if this team is able to garner enough wins to get to the playoffs they could be a real threat. With Mahomes at the helm they could be like the 2019 Texans and topple Superbowl favorites with their all star qb NAME REDACTED.

Benadryl Shadowmen

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Some incredible talent at WR propels this team to be as scary as their Mascot. But the carousel of old qbs with no mobility is costing them valuable points and stability. Much like the super bowl winning Bucs their foundation needs to be reliant more on RB and TE than QB. But I don't see a playoff lenny in their mix of players at RB, Ekler seems to be returning to form but I can’t just forget when he had only 4 rush attempts in a game with Keenan Allen out, and the injuries are already piling up on Swift. The league is better when it’s got a villain and the bullshittery that Tyreek Hill and St. Brown can do on any given week makes me personally hate the guy. I think he should lean into the role and pick up Taysom Hill as his TE just to make this team even more chaotic, also so that my little monkey brain isn’t hurt anymore by the two T.Hill’s on separate rosters.

Tinfoil Tu-Anon

 Buffalo Bills - alright calm down I know what your thinking this retard is just saying who the starting QB is on each roster... maybe. But I mean what else is Mike going to be? He has committed to the cheat code of Josh Allen and Diggs. I get it he also has CMC but here’s a couple of reasons why Tu-Anon still fits this analogy 1. CMC will get hurt; he's already showing some signs and when he does Tu-Anon will be as reliant on Josh Allen and Diggs as the actual bills are with their lack of run game, Aaron Jones is becoming a reverse Deebo where he’s listed as an RB but is lined up as a WR more often and AJ Dillon is taking more and more of his snaps 2. I need this analogy to work and he fucks with it so I’m ignoring CMC. Tu-Anon is also like the Bills in that they have an injured defense and will probably fall in the playoffs in a really sad way after all the hype.

Jaylen Waddle Fan Club

 Seattle Seahawks - much like the Seahawks the consensus was that they lost their future with the trade and were being fleeced. But I guess this gum chewen mother fucker knew something we didn’t, loaded with WR talent and somehow even with a shitty midas touch on QBs he’s making it work. If he’s able to figure out QB and have a consistent floor, King Henry and Kupp will carry this team to playoff success. If he uses DK or maybe grabs Kamara as a strong flex option his team will have a fearsome triple K in star talent.

Zach Wilson’s Buddy’s Mom

 Indianapolis Colts - An all star at RB 1 in Barkley helps keep this team alive most times but for this team to have real success they need their MVP QB to perform at elite levels even with a failing O-line. A strong defense and a team full of recent add ons from waivers gives this team an underdog feel that they might not deserve especially with all their preseason hype (Insert joke 1 on Pittman 4th round). An underperforming WR group is hopefully just a hiccup as this team needs them as they were a believed strength of this roster. (Insert joke 2 on Pittman in 4th round).

Washington Sewer Pipes

 Los Angeles Chargers - This team is already getting riddled with injuries, it’s a real roller coaster of emotions when almost every friday I check my roster and see a Q on almost all of my players. Much like the chargers I seem to somehow get the best performance from all of my opponents. Also like the Chargers my talent has the ability to go crazy but more often than not just have high floors and relies too heavily on their star QB and Defense. But again injuries might fuck me, both the Chargers and the Sewer Pipes have lost a Bosa for potentially multiple weeks on D. Like the Chargers the Sewer Pipes have to share a stadium with a hated owner and unknowingly the “steals” of the Sewer Pipes draft like Jacobs have the stench of “Darian/ Kroenke liked this player.”

Hundred Aker Woods

 Minnesota Vikings - The game plan is Justin Jefferson and that’s it even though they have a consistent second WR option there seems to be a lack of league respect on those players as they are too dependent on the absence of their star WR’s to be a reliable WR 2. This team works great when the run game is effective but a lack of opportunities has made this offense 2 dimensional. Luckily for them they are talented enough to get in range for a barrage of field goals to be scored by their kicker. Their Defense has the potential to win them games but are possibly relied on too heavily at the start of the season to show their incredible talent on every outing. 

Snuck off My Leash

 Cleveland Browns - I get it I’m kinda just going star talent equals team here but this team also has some real similarities in other areas. The run game is outstanding, a 2 headed monster in Chubb and Stevenson/Hall have been able to keep this team a float with a near 500 record until their controversial QB returns. The Browns are waiting for all around good guy NAME REDACTED to return while Andy is hoping Dak takes this team to the next level. Problem is that the backups, while not obviously as talented, are winning and the fear of rust/ return from injury might make them the “wrong” start at QB at a pivotal time in the season. Their defense has a chance to be great most weeks but if the schedule is unlucky and their QB’s weak return might be paired with facing an explosive offense on the other side that decimates their Defense.

Henry Ruggs Driving School

 Washington Commanders, A controversial team name change at the beginning of the season was an oracle of the horrific crash this team’s record may be on. A carousel on RB is hopefully ended by a rookie talent taking command but it’s hard to tell if the rookie has the star potential this team needs. The WR core seems deadly on paper but injuries and inconsistency plagues the position. Their potential all star QB is turnover prone and a masochist for sacks. A potentially strong Defense in a weak division could carry this team to success but the talent in the division is surprisingly on the rise but I have confidence this D will remain hard,strong, and throbbing. There’s also a connection in ownership between the two teams where they control the media to hide some really sketchy dealings.