i may finally get cancelled for this article but its okay ive lived a good life

 

We at the Weenie Hut Jr Post Times Gazette Comic Sans would like to casually apologize for not writing a power

 rankings last week. We won’t formally apologize because there was a great reason for not doing it. Vibes were 

incredibly off. Anyways who cares. On to the next one. 

We’re back with a banger.

Celebrities who said the N word and are not, in fact, black

1 Addison AssEaters

Tim Allen

Tim Allen takes the top spot on this list because he has by far the funniest reason for saying it. I have to directly

 copy the quotes because they’re funnier than if I tried to paraphrase it. "If I have no intent, if I show no intent, if 

I clearly am not a racist, then how can 'n****r' be bad coming out of my mouth?" - Tim Allen. “It's very confusing

 to the European mind how that works...." - Tim Allen again. Quite an interesting take. Folks in Addison are

 starting to get excited. First in points for. Ja’Marr and Kelce finally starting to contribute. No Derrick Henry to 

trade in a god awful deal. Could this finally be the year?

2 Jesus Died For Your Zyns

John Mayer

Some people see John Mayer and think, huh that looks like a guy who absolutely wouldn’t say the N word. And he

 most definitely wouldn’t say it with a really weird excuse. But what they don’t know is that they are dead wrong. 

John not only called an ex girlfriend “sexual napalm”, but he also used the N word while discussing his hood pass 

that he apparently has. I do not think he has one. How often does a team pick first overall, has their pick not 

play a single snap for them, and still look like a frontrunner? I can’t think of a single instance of that yet here we

 are. This is a team of pre-season spare parts but they all fit better and look nicer than all the originals. 

3 Cee Deez Nuts

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow is never a name I would’ve guessed to appear on this list, however it’s not that surprising. She 

also has the best excuse for saying the N word in my opinion. She posted a picture of her with Kanye and Jay-Z

 with the caption “******** in paris for real”. Objectively funny. Then when people got mad at her for using that

 word she just said chill it’s a song title. Preach. I couldn’t find a pic with Kanye so maybe it was just a Jay-Z 

and Kanye concert that she was at. I feel like 90% of my power rankings have had this franchise in the 3-5 range. 

Always solid, maybe not THE team to beat, but always in the picture. Has “won” a title. And this team is right

 back there, in the mix. The studs are doing well but the supporting cast hasn’t quite been what they need to be to

 push this team over the top right now.

4 Youngway Kooter

PewDiePie

We all know this one. Just an oppressed white male having a very natural reaction to a very common gaming 

situation. If anything it would’ve been anti-American to NOT say the word in this situation. Totally overblown. 

Very much reminds me of someone in our league. First let’s address that I’m well aware this team has gotten a

 couple lucky wins to start this year. There’s no doubt about that. However… this is a surprisingly deep roster that

 has had some huge breakouts to start this season. BTJ and sticking with Tank Bigsby has been huge for this team,

 and honestly this is a team I’d rather not face in the playoffs. I’m not convinced these guys will be competing for

 a bye but I think they have the talent to be a playoff team without lucky wins.

5 Slant Boys

Eminem

When I came across this name when scouring lists for some juicy entries, I had to look up more pictures to make 

sure Eminem was in fact white. And I can confirm, he is technically white. However, I’m pretty sure he can 

probably say it and people wouldn’t really be upset. But the only instance I saw of people complaining about it 

is when he was like 15 and doing some very angsty rapping. So he has said it way less than I would’ve expected. 

The Slant Boys are so close to being THE team to beat but they aren’t quite that right now. Allen and Bijan have

 seemed more human than normal and a couple should be studs are injured right now. That being said, any week 

now these guys could storm to the front and never look back. They may have the highest upside in the league.

6 Washington Sewer Pipes

Charlie Sheen

Who’s the more surprising N word, Charlie Sheen or Eminem. Honestly Charlie Sheen is way less surprising. 

He also doesn’t have a funny story like some of the others. He just had a video leak of him verbally abusing his 

now ex wife and among the things he called her was the N word. She is white. We have back to back teams with 

some big potential to make big waves in the next couple weeks. Mixon and AJ Brown’s returns could launch this

 team up the standings with their returns if they look just as good as they have before. Without those 2 this team 

was kinda struggling, so they’ll need them back strong to turn the season around.

7 New England Harbor Turds

Jennifer Lopez

I have included J-Lo in this list for no other reason than I think it’s funny how often she keeps coming up in 

the past couple lists. Her story is that she used it in a song but her excuse is that Ja Rule wrote it for her 

specifically. Because Ja Rule is the leading expert in what could be considered racist. Oh hey I just woke up 

from a coma that started after week 2 of the NFL season. I’m sure this team’s string of bad luck has continued

 and they’re doing really bad… Huh, 3 and 2. The Bills have determined Cook is the only good runner in Buffalo

 and the reanimated corpse of Kareem Hunt has turned out to be a very solid pickup so far. However I think this 

lineup is missing the high end talent to make a strong run this season though playoffs are still very much attainable.

8 Tuacide Squad

Paula Deen

Every other celebrity on this list showed up in buzzfeed-like articles that were super clickbaity. Paula however 

was found in an academic paper that discussed whether or not it had a negative effect on how old people perceive

 her. It’s very long and comes to the same conclusion that i could’ve told them immediately, no they don’t care. I

 still don’t know the context of how she said it. The Tuacide Squad has been struggling quite a bit to start the 

season with the injury to Tua derailing the seasons of 2 starters for this lineup. Daniels and Murray have been

 huge bright spots in the lineup but besides that nobody else has really stepped up. But they’ll win the

 championship somehow.

9 Begging for Mercy

Lindsay Lohan

I had the biggest crush on Lindsay Lohan after Herbie Fully Loaded. I blame her for being so into redheads and

 women that drive Volkswagen Beetles. Anyways she tweeted a hashtag that included an N word that referenced 

yet another Kanye song. Someone needs to keep white women away from that man. If Breece finally starts playing 

well this team could be decent. But looking at this roster, I’m not sure how this team becomes a likely playoff team.

 Collins and Olave are a solid receiving core and Kyren/Breece should be elite, but they haven’t played up to 

expectations and the rest of the roster hasn’t been great either.

10 Big Man Blastoise

Justin Bieber

He apparently said the N word when he was a kid. But it’s fine, Usher and Floyd Mayweather said he’s all good. 

When he was younger he definitely looked like the kid that would call someone the N word just so they’d try to 

fight him then he’d tell a teacher he got threatened and somehow not get in trouble. Now he looks like he just says

 it in everyday conversations. No wins. Won’t trade Gibbs to me. Gave up on his team name. Pathetic season.