In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous.

 Let us rejoice, the sabbatical I have taken from writing the power rankings is over. My pursuit of winning the lottery, unfortunately, has failed spectacularly. I spent so much money on powerball tickets that I must find alternative uses for the discarded tickets. I can't afford toilet paper so yeah I've been wiping with them. I've been shoving them into my gas tank to burn as fuel for my car. It's such a weird coincidence that my car had a very unrelated mechanical issue at the same time that includes the low fuel light turning on for no reason. Anyways that's been my life.

After crunching the metrics, my most popular themes has been about crime, such as celebrity DUIs and white people saying the N-word (which isn't a crime legally but it certainly is spiritually). So I'll give the people more of what they want, every team's biggest criminal.

 

1 Just Gibbs Me A Reason

Criminals: Brian Robinson Jr., Tank Dell

Crime: Getting shot (dangerous actions are forbidden by their contracts)

  

Also Considered: Travis Kelce (Taylor Swift), Jared Goff (being worse than Dak) 

For those of you unfamiliar with athletic contracts, they all have clauses forbidding the athletes from potentially dangerous or injury prone activities. Examples include mountain biking, jet skiing, and obviously getting shot. The fact that these athletes have the gall to damage their owners' investments is frankly disturbing. 

Okay yeah 4-1 and a 70 point lead over the second highest scoring team is relatively impressive. But there's a much bigger issue at play here. The modern world is seeing a trend of man being replaced by machine. While this isn't necessarily a negative, especially when machine can remove the danger for man, it very much is when removing the human element from art. And fantasy football is an art. One can argue it's all a math game with the end goal of playing the probabilities. But they're wrong. Fantasy football is about chopping it up with the boys over a few beers on a Sunday while pushing down the impending doom that is the upcoming work week. That is art. And this team wants to take the artists away from the art. How dare you.   

 

2 New England Harbor Turds

Criminal: Patrick Mahomes

Crime: Giving his family a platform

 

Also Considered: Tyreek Hill (fighting a fat chick), Michael Pittman (getting drafted in the 4th round) 

 Before the Kelce/Swift saga, it was Patrick's wife and brother that were always all over the news. And they made the mistake of committing the worst crime in the eyes of the general public, being annoying. Have you ever noticed who is most hated in any crime drama? It's the annoying guy. If Brittany and Jackson teamed up to serial murder orphans BUT weren't annoying, people would actually look at that family way more positively. I have the numbers to back this up. But I'm not gonna post them.

First things first, this team has Dallas Goedert and that man wins championships. So that's a huge plus. But also this team is just a really good all around squad. Bijan is a sexy pick, the rest are hard nosed solid players throughout the lineup. I think the only question about the Turds being a contender at the end of the year is just, will Nico Collins actually be healthy? If he's healthy come playoff time, they may be the favorites. 

 

3 TD Merchants

Criminal: Christian Watson

Crime: Dropping a big touchdown on his first career target

 

Also Considered: Jonathan Taylor (plays for Colts), Josh Allen (marrying Hailee Steinfeld before me)

I mean there's really not a whole lot here to discuss. Future Hall of Famer Aaron Rodgers dropped a dime to Christian Watson on his first career NFL snap. All he had to do was not drop the easiest to catch ball of all time to start his career with an amazing highlight. So he dropped it. I'm still trying to figure why he decided to do that. He probably shouldn't have done that.

Let's get a little picky here for the team that's currently second in the standings. They don't have a lot of wide receiver depth. Let's discuss the other holes in the lineup. Okay we've done so. If Saquon returns to form after injury, this team's running back room goes from arguably the best, to far and away the best in the league. I hope that doesn't happen since that would be bad for my team. 

 

4 Women Respecters

Criminal: Omarion Hampton

Crime: Hasn't murdered Mike McDaniel

 

Also Considered: Josh Jacobs (got caught on camera), Puka Nacua (too kinky)

If you want a good offense, all you need is Mike McDaniel and an elite offense. Unfortunately he does not currently have an elite offense. As a result, Omarion Hampton has a moral imperative to murder Mike such that he can live up to the preseason expectations his fantasy managers had. By not doing this, Hampton is essentially committing murder if you really think about it.

First of all the last paragraph satirical. No one should actually be murdered over football. And if someone should, there are many people ahead of Mike McDaniel on that list. Anyways, this is clearly where the mushy middle starts. The next two teams have an argument to be here instead, but really they're all clearly in the same tier. I've given this team the edge because if something... unfortunate were to happen to Mike McDaniel, which may be the case very soon with how pathetic this team has been, the Women Respecters lineup would suddenly skyrocket giving them a chance to be contenders. 

 

5 Cee Deez Nuts

Criminal: Brock Purdy

Crime: Being Drafted Too Low

 

Also Considered: Dak Prescott (worse than Jared Goff), Rashee Rice (didn't use turn signal)

If Brock Purdy wanted to be a great quarterback, he shouldn't have spent so much time on developing his decision making, or his arm strength, or his accuracy. Nope. He should've spent more time getting drafted higher. The problem with NFL media is that they can't believe that NFL teams would let great players fall to later rounds. That's why non-first round pick quarterbacks are constantly underrated. Dak Prescott. Russell Wilson. Brock Purdy. Tom Brady. All criminally underrated due to their draft position.

This team will be an interesting case study come playoffs. They have a couple good performances, but tend to be a 100ish point team. That floor with a boom potential does make them scary opponents in the playoffs. The problem is they'll need to actually boom enough to make the playoffs, then keep booming.  

 

 

6 2019 LSU Tigers

Criminal: Kyren Williams

Crime: Being from St. Louis and playing for LA

 

Also Considered: Deebo Samuel (fat), Cam Skattebo (idk but I know he's done something)

I really don't like talking about what the NFL and Stan Kroenke did to the city of St. Louis. It was disgusting, it was corrupt, it was downright wrong. Really anybody that cheers for those traitors should be considered a criminal. And for a St. Louisan to make a positive impact for that team is disappointing. People who have power or influence should use their positions for good, not for evil like what Kyren is doing.

This owner will quit if their team doesn't do well enough so don't worry, even if your team doesn't make the playoffs your power ranking has you in the playoffs. If we were drafting teams to actually play against each other as opposed to just fantasy, I might actually take this team. A Ja'Marr, Jefferson, Davante receiving core is just disgusting. Drake Maye has remembered which team to throw to. Kyren is actually good. This team could be a big threat, however they are still called 2019 LSU Tigers and they still don't have Joe Burrow.

  

7 Indianapolis Glue Factory

Criminal: Kyler Murray

Crime: Call of Duty

 

Also Considered: Quinshon Judkins (idk but I think he got acquitted), Jordan Addison (couldn't outrun the police)

I really don't care the Kyler spends too much time playing video games to the point it affects his professional career. Wanna know why? Because I do the same thing. I stay up too late playing video games and it affects my ability to work the next day. The problem is that he plays Call of Duty. I know Kyler physically stopped growing up in junior high, but I would've hoped mentally he would've kept maturing. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

This team has a unique weakness. None of their position groups are really all that weak. The quarterback situation might be a bit iffy but nothing that can't be worked around. No, this team just can't win. Not because they're bad. Just because they can't. Their team owner declined to answer the question I never actually asked him which is, are they trying to lose? Because they have managed to find very fun ways to accomplish that. 

 

8 2 Pain 2 Rogaine

Criminal: Romeo Doubs

Crime: Big helmet

 

Also Considered: Jayden Daniels (5), Bhayshul Tuten (his name is literally tooting, gassy motherfucker)

We all know those guardian caps don't work right? Like they are still all getting concussions the entire time. Doubs might actually be avoiding them since he just drops the ball before anybody gets to him, but even if he didn't that cap is doing just about nothing. So basically he's looking like an idiot for the style above all else. I can't stand that.

This team has a culture that's undeniable. An incredibly okay roster that wins more than it should. Every year. Despite new scheduling rules, this year is more of the same, being 7th in points yet once again higher in the standings. Unfortunately for the rest of the league, this luck can extend into the postseason. Which makes this team inexplicably scary. Nuts. 

 

 

9 day one or one day

Criminal: Kirk Cousins

Crime: Always tries to use expired Kohls coupons then complains to the manager when the cashier won't take them

 

Also Considered: Stefon Diggs (horny), Marvin Harrison Jr. (having his dad's name but he sucks)

So this crime I can't technically say I've witnessed. However when I pulled this roster up, I experienced something I can only compare to using a ouija board but it's my laptop. My hands took over and with no thought (which I want to take the time now to tell you guys that I do have thoughts while writing these, though I will admit yes there is very little thought) that crime was typed. I think the god of retail workers needed this crime made public and chose me as the vessel to accomplish this. So suck it Kirk Cousins, 6 people in the world will know what you've done.

If there were a trophy for having a full bench, this would be the first year we'd finally need 10 copies of the trophy. That is a step in the right direction. This team still finds itself outside of playoff contention, but they're using their roster to the fullest extent. At the end of the day, can you really ask for anything more than that? 

 

10 Washington Sewer Pipes 

Criminal: Trey McBride

Crime: Wasting his career in Arizona

 

Also Considered: Will Shipley (white RB), George Pickens (most criminal person to never commit a crime)

Has Trey McBride ever considered what impact he has on fantasy football managers by playing in Arizona? That means that whatever poor sap that drafted him has to watch the Arizona Cardinals every single Sunday late afternoon because he has such a big impact on their team. That is torture. NFL sources tell me that the other 31 teams feel bad for the Cardinals because they suck, and accidentally agreed to a bylaw where they have to suck forever. So he needs to leave to make everybody feel a bit better.

If you made the All-NFL disappointment team, unfortunately it would mostly be this roster. They're dealing with a lot of injuries, but those players are pretty mid too. Trey McBride and the kicker are the only players in the top 10 at their position in the starting lineup, which isn't all that great. But yeah. They might win a game or two in the Sacko playoffs.